faith

Today I want to write about Faith. Specifically, my faith. By "Faith" I mean my religion, but I also mean my personal belief in God.

The last few years have been both faith-strengthening and faith-questioning. I had never before known what it meant to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (source) until I watched family and friends grieve in so many different ways over the last 36 months. I have come to understand that scripture a little better now. I have had experiences when I know that the hand of God has been guiding me and others. I have also had experiences when I have asked difficult questions, some of which don't have good answers.

I was reading through some of my "notes" on my phone a few weeks ago and I came across one that I wrote late at night a few months ago. I was reminded of it again the other night as I read the talk "Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth" from this last General Conference. I want to share my note here.

Thoughts on faith (August 3, 2014)
I have no idea how computers work. I know how to use them, and I know general concepts like electricity and things but I have no idea how binary code is translated to my being able to send data hundreds of miles in merely seconds. Some people do understand that. They have studied and worked and know all of the processes that go into that machine. Not only that, but the technology used to improve computers is growing exponentially. But of course, it had to start somewhere. The first computers would be useless today. Does that make the principles they were built on any less true and valid? Of course not. They were the building blocks.

My faith is a lot like that. There are so many things that I do not understand. But I have seen time and time again what happens when I rely on faith and tap into heavenly power. There are things even in my own religion's history that are perplexing and I wonder "why did they do it that way?" But truth isn't learned in one glorious moment. It is learned as we test and try principles. It grows little by little by little as we study and try and sometimes even make mistakes-as individuals and collectively. And I believe there is a tipping point where the truth becomes evident faster and faster and we become better versions of ourselves. Not because what we know now is more true than what we knew then, but because we are building on the truth we have already learned.

It would be silly to say, "until I understand it completely, I will not use a computer." So why would I wait until I understood God completely to utilize His Power and Goodness? The more I turn to Him, (and study His Word) the more I understand Him.

Though I express it differently than I did before and even sometimes look at it from a different perspective, I feel my faith in God is stronger now than ever. I am a witness of the Power of God, in my life and in the lives of others.

remembering

 
A few days ago I was looking through some old photos of Ana when she was Katie's age. It's kind of fun because they really were almost the exact same age at the same time of year. Man, has time flown by. I was also reading some of my old blog posts from back then. Katie looks so much like Ana did at the age.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering Ana as a 3 year old. I am in the Katie-as-a-3-year-old phase and I keep projecting my experience with Katie on the past. But Katie isn't Ana, and Ana wasn't the same as Katie is now.

 When Ana was 3, I blogged a lot. I am so glad of that now.  When I look back and read what we were doing and how I was reacting and what I chose to write about, it brings me back to that time when it was just me and Jack and Ana at home all day.  It helps me remember.

I don't want to look back in 5 years and realize that somehow I stopped keeping a record of my life. A record of my children. I have my journal for my most intimate thoughts. And instagram for random snapshots. But I don't write much about the nitty gritty of daily life. And maybe my posts were (are?) a little redundant. Maybe they were mostly filled with Ana flitting around and me dreading the dishes. I suppose the more things change the more they stay the same. Because now I have two flitting girls and I still put off the dishes. Still, I don't want to forget this time. I especially like blogging because I tend to focus on the positive when I write here. There are times when I really need to focus on the positive. Things aren't always rosy and there are days, like yesterday, when I feel like I clean the same mess up over and over again and it leaves me feeling grumpy. That's one reason why I need to keep writing.

 I want to remember how funny Katie is. She is so serious and expressive. She says funny things and asks a million questions. She doesn't like to leave my side. If she is eating a snack in the kitchen and I walk out she will yell my name repeatedly until I come back and say, "I don't want to be by myself in here." I want to remember how much Jack likes to read out loud to me and how as long as he has a specific task he is happy but when he is bored he goes a little nutso. I even want to remember how much Ana stretches me to my limit. She is so full of life and energy that I simply can't keep up. She doesn't take no for an answer. And when little baby boy gets here in January, I want to keep a record of his sweet baby-ness.

This is important to me: that I keep track of life so that I can look back and say, "Life was good. We did hard things. We grew and learned. We witnessed miracles."

wide open spaces

Throwback to 5 years ago. We were living in Rupert. I call it "Anticipation"

Oh my goodness. Has it really been almost a month? That is crazy. Where has it gone?

Dave ended up having his kidney stone surgically removed after having missed work for a week. It was a miserable week. He was either in pain or asleep because he was taking pain meds and the stone hadn't really moved much. So we got it out so he could start feeling normal again. Mostly he does, though now he is working weird hours so his sleep is still a little off.

We took a whirlwind trip to Rupert a few weeks ago. We went up on Saturday after Dave got off work at 8 a.m. and he slept most of the day while the kids played with Grandma and Grandpa. Sunday was a family get together in honor of Dave's nephew who recently returned from his mission.  I have the best in-laws. Seriously, all of Dave's family rocks and I love them all.

Saturday evening we drove out to his sister's house. She lives a few miles south of town surrounded by farm land. Being September, the fall harvest was in and winter wheat was just showing its pail green stems. For just a moment we stopped and listened. You know what we heard? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The evening air was silent. The sunset glowed beautifully.  Homes dotted the farmland and the mountains in the distance looked beautiful in the dusk. It was glorious.

Of all the things I could have missed while living back East, there was one thing that kept coming up. I missed the sound of sprinklers on a field. I missed the flat farmland and the distant mountains. Vermont is rural, for sure, and there are many things my heart misses so much. But it isn't flat. And they don't need sprinklers to water the crops. And I missed it.

We are really happy we are here in Salt Lake. I love that there is a WinCo and a Target and a temple all within 15 minutes of my home. There are tons of hiking-trails and museums and parks. The sunsets over the city are amazing, and we truly love our neighborhood.

But the truth is, we are not city people. We love the country and the open spaces and the lack of traffic and the quiet.  Rupert reminded us of that. We headed back around bed-time and within an hour all 3 kids were sleeping soundly in the backseat, so Dave and I talked. It had been far too long since we had a talk like that. We talked about our kids and our future. We talked about opportunities and expectations.  We came back feeling much lighter. The country is good for our souls.

(As an aside, I just spent the better part of an hour looking at old pictures of my older kids. It is crazy how little I remember of how I felt about my job day in and day out. Instagram takes most of my photos these days, but looking through those ones reminds me I need to pull out my good camera and capture my kiddos in this stage of life.)