on reading

Most weeks Dave has a day during the week where he is home. Whether it is because he is post-call or working the evening clinic, or gets a weekday off because he is working the weekend, he is around a lot more while the kids are at school.

He doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Years of having NO time for yourself sometimes means you forget what to do with yourself when you have a chance.

I went to bed sick on Monday, and he was on call that night. He was up at 5 a.m. with a call and stayed awake. He let me sleep and got the kids up and going to school and took care of Charlie. After school I took the cub scouts on a field trip and Ana had activity days so he took the younger kids to the store for a bit. That night he said to me "I feel like I didn't get anything done today."

I knew what he meant. That is how I feel most days. All the things I do get undone by the end of the day or need to be done again the next day. Some days it feels like I don't actually do anything. Because the work of a housewife is so much easier than in the past, sometimes it feels like I'm doing nothing at all. I load a dishwasher, or a washing machine. But I don't mend clothes or make butter. I don't often have a "product" at the end of the day. And I certainly don't have any sort of expertise that people need.  It can be frustrating and lonely and depressing.

But, I have read 42 books so far in 2017. I've read non-fiction and fiction - religion, social sciences, young adult and children's lit and classics and poetry. Not all the books I read are great. (I call those my "treat" or "junk food" books. Books that are just fun and light and easy and enjoyable, but not really substantial.)

People ask me how I have time to read so much. Now, four of those books were audio books and another 12 I read out loud to Dave. (We started doing that about a year ago and have really enjoyed our reading time together.) So 26 I have actually sat down and read by myself. That averages to 2.5 per month. I don't think that is all that much truthfully. But even if it seems like it, I make time because I need to read.

I make time to read because I love it. I make time to read because it uses my brain in a meaningful way.  I read to be entertained, to escape, to explore, and to learn. I read to know I am not alone,* to know that I am connected to a larger, intricate world. In reading I understand myself better, I find compassion for others, and I learn about God.

I read because it accomplishes something. It cannot be undone. At the end of the day, when there are dishes in the sink, and laundry in the baskets and toys on the floor, (even though I washed dishes and folded laundry and picked up toys), I finished something. Or at least got closer to finishing something.  I learned. I grew. My understanding of the world expanded just a bit. That's worth it to me. That's why I read.


*this idea is based off of a quote from the movie "Shadowlands" about CS Lewis. "We read to know we are not alone." I watched that movie years ago and I think about that idea often.

i want to remember ...

... the conversation I had while walking the dog with Katie last week. She mentioned that people often tell her she is cute. I asked her if people tell her she is nice. "Yes." Friendly? "Yes." A hard worker? "Yes." "Good," I said. "I always want to hear that you work hard and are nice to people." She then said something that I think is really profound. "But, Mom, sometimes my feelings take over."  Yes, I thought. Sometimes my feelings take over too.

... Charlie requesting "Edelweiss" for his bedtime song and singing it frequently throughout the day.
(I have an adorable video of this, but don't have it uploaded yet.)

... Ana telling me that even though some people drift away from their parents as they get older, she feels like she is the opposite.

... that Jack always has friends coming over to play.

We are so lucky to have landed here.

catch-up

Hello, world. I have missed writing and remembering. There have been a million things going on in the last 4 months, but finally things have settled. We are in our new home. Dave put in the sprinkler system and sod and started work. He's really a doctor! I can hardly believe it. And yet, after the last 7  years, I can absolutely believe it.

Summer has been full of birthdays (Jack -9, Ana-11, Katie- 6), a wedding and a baptism, family and friend reunions, and a lot of driving. It has been wonderful and a little stressful and money-sucking and fun!

School starts in a week and a half and I am ready for a schedule and quiet but I'm not ready for fall.

Time flows and things change. I am grasping at sand as it flows between my fingers. I sometimes get a somewhat frantic feeling about it. Someone once told that the key is gratitude. And not just a "count your blessings" type of gratitude, but moments where you just look at your children and your life and feel gratitude and love for them. It helps. I am trying to look the children in the eye more often and see them and smile at them.

Jack turns 9

Jack digs a hole in our new yard

The view from our new neighbhorhood

Dave's last day of residency (with co-resident and friend Jacqui)

I really like our view

Ana turns 11

Harry Potter cake for our 11 year old girl

Vermont friend reunion in Utah

Eli Morey and Dave and John Hedges

Jessika Hedges, Sara Morey, Christy Clark and me.

Dave's first day of work at the clinic.

My parents and all my sisters at my niece's wedding.

Katie turns 6 at the family reunion

We are loving our new life in Idaho. Really and truly. It is so wonderful to finally be "settled." I will write more on this later.

looking back, moving forward

2016 was rough, which has been somewhat documented. But there were some good things, like that Dave signed his first job contract. Hooray! Light at the end of the tunnel.

November and December passed as uneventfully as the holiday season usually does. Dave was home a lot more, which was wonderful. We went to Rupert for Thanksgiving; it was the first time in 8 years that Dave spent Thanksgiving with his family. We went back a couple weeks last for Grandma's Christmas party - always a good time. Dave had a week off in December and we bummed around the house, celebrated his birthday, organized and decluttered cupboards, went to a movie together, and all around remembered how much we like we each other. Christmas was quiet and good. My sister joined us, the kids all seemed happy and then Dave had to work that evening.

And now it is 2017. It's going to be a good year. We are excited about the changes that are coming. As I have been thinking about resolutions, I admit I have been a bit discouraged this year. Most years my resolutions are variations of the same things. Most years I do really well for a while and then life happens and I forget or get out of the habit or go into survival mode with little energy left for change. Sometimes I look back and think that the only changes I see in myself are not for the better.

But we can't just focus on the past. All there is to do is move forward. And though it can sometimes be discouraging when we don't see progress that we want to see, that can't stop us from trying and reaching and striving. I do have a theme for the year, and I think it will be a good thing. I will write it down soon. Until then:

Happy New Year! Jan 1, 2017

Christmas Eve jammies

A picture I found on my good camera from homeschooling. Ana spent a day taking pictures and then made a slideshow. I must have snapped this one of her working on it.

Photo by Ana.

empty/full

I have been running on empty.

Completely depleted. It has been a long, lonely few months. I have felt tired, inadequate and depressed. But mostly lonely and isolated. I prayed more for strength in the last few months than I ever have before.

One week ago I found out I was having a miscarriage. This my fourth, my last one being over 6 years ago.

Though there have been tears and pain and heartache, I have been amazed and overwhelmed at the love and support that has come to me. A couple of my sisters have shown up to clean my kitchen, buy me lunch and vacuum my living room. Other siblings have sent flowers and texts and made phone calls. Friends and neighbors have surrounded me with love and support and help. One came and picked up my kids for the day. We have had dinner provided, and hugs given. I am overcome with gratitude for the love I have felt from my people and my God. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do.

I do know this,  I have felt God's love for me through the love of those around me. I have heard words of encouragement and compassion. I have seen goodness. I have been reached out to and sought out and surrounded with kindness.

And for the first time in months, I feel full.

seeing beautiful

I think when I blogged more I was better at seeing the beautiful things. I looked for them. I took pictures of them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to put on a facade or paint a false picture. I am a naturally positive person, and I found a lot of real joy and satisfaction out of finding the beauty in an ordinary day. Not to say that everyday was always beautiful. But even recording those uglier moments felt peaceful somehow. Like it turned them from an unpleasant experience to simply an experience, and then time worked its magic and now even those ugly moments are beautiful.

Writing (almost) daily forces me to be present. Instagram does it a little. But mostly I post and forget. But to write about a small moment takes time and craft. I think about it. The words fill my head and trickle through the day as I think about it. It causes me to stop and watch and listen and think.

I don't do that enough.

I was reading "Oh the places you'll go" to Katie tonight and I realized that I am in the "Waiting Place."

I am waiting for Dave's crazy schedule to lighten up.
I am waiting for us to move.
I am waiting til we can start seriously looking for a house.
I am waiting for such and such kid to get out of such and such phase.

Every day I am just waiting.

And some of those things I am looking forward to, but the answer to the slump-y, waiting, staying feeling is to be present. To watch as the kids learn and grow. To look Jack in the eye when he shows me how he got 100% on the test that he felt was pretty hard. To look at the pictures Ana takes with real attention. To pull Katie up on my lap and read her stories and tickle her.  To do puzzles with Charlie on the living room floor. My kids hear "just a minute" far too often, and usually for very unimportant reasons. Not only am I missing out, but they are too. They need their mother to see them in all their ordinary glory.  Writing makes me accountable for the day and the moments that I notice.

He started in the stroller, and I didn't think twice about his shoe-less, pantsless person.  Katie and Jack also joined us (running way up ahead).  Katie was in her nightgown and my flip-flops. Ordinary glory.

it's a good time

Summer has arrived.

...sigh of happiness...

I love having the kids home. Pretty much everyone I talk to is all like "I have/want to have a good routine for the summer and the kids will do chores and homework" and I'm all like "yay! no routine! no homework!"

That's how we roll around here. But it's not like they sit around watching TV all day. They have chores (but it's more along the lines of "Ana, go pick up the living room" or "Jack, clean out the dishwasher") and they still read and play and whatnot. I love summer so much, though. Warm weather. Popsicle smiles. Running through the sprinklers. Going on hikes. And sometimes, sitting at home doing nothing.

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far.

*I turned 32.  I like being 32 so far. Actually, I love being in my 30s. I think it is my best decade yet. I actually feel like I totally like who I am. That I have talents and gifts. That I can do good things and make improvements and what not. It's very liberating.

*Jack turned 8 and then got baptized a few days later. It was a fabulous day and so far, I can tell he is taking his new responsibility seriously. Earlier in the year he was really having a heard time and I struggled to know what to do to help him. But he seems to have gotten past whatever it was and he has been wonderful lately. He also went to his first cub scout day camp and had a great time.

*Dave has had an easy schedule this month and it's been great to see him so much.

*We went on a family trip to Northern California to interview for a job there. It's a long story of how and why we ended up interviewing there, and I won't get into the details. But the town was delightful and gorgeous, the people were humble and kind, and in general we left with a very good impression. We still have a few more jobs that we are looking into, but NoCal was fun to explore a bit. It was beautiful. We even took a slight detour off of I-80 to go to Lake Tahoe and we loved every minute of the hour we were there. Okay, I didn't love pulling Charlie away. He was having too much fun throwing rocks in the lake and NOT being in the car. We also swung up to Rupert for a day to visit Dave's parents.

*Charlie is starting to talk more and more. It seems like it has taken him a lot longer than the other kids, but that might just be my imagination. This week along he started saying "some" (when he wants something) and he will sign please. He says "thank you" any time you give him something and it is adorable. He can be a little pill sometimes because he is busy and determined, but he has a charming smile that wins me over every time.

*Ana has been such a delight to have home. She plays with Charlie so much. I don't know what I would do without her. In general she is willing to do what I ask and she is so helpful. I'm going to homeschool her next year and I'm really looking forward to building that relationship.

*Katie is hilarious and as fun as ever. She is so ready for kindergarten. And this week she learned how to do the monkey bars. I am blown away by just how big and grown up she is getting. Today I was talking to her a little bit about being safe and what do if she gets lost, etc. After a few minutes, she said, "Mom, can we stop talking about this. I'm starting to feel a little sad." She has such a tender heart.

I love this life that I have. To quote Andy Dwyer (from Parks and Rec) "My whole life is a giant mess and I love it." That's pretty much how I feel. So if you stop by this summer, you will likely see toys in the yard, crafts of the table, dishes in the sink, and me doing the crossword puzzle while Charlie runs around in a diaper. You are welcome anyway. It's always a good time.

i can see it in your eyes

Today is laundry day. Which means we stay home and hang out in the basement while I pump laundry through the washer and dryer. So while I have been spending far too much time today dreaming of my dream house and texting friends, I thought I would use this opportunity to write.

I read recently that when we read we inhale, when we write we exhale. I've been holding my breath and this week I realized my need to exhale.

don't judge. it's laundry day

Katie is sitting next to me on the floor. She is playing playmobil. I love listening to her little guys talk to each other. I can hear her working out her perception of the world while she does it. She is such a delightful girl. She says funny and inspiring and adorable things. The other day were were joking around a little bit and I said something that wasn't true and she called me on it.

"Is that true Mommy?" she said.

I looked right at her and said, "what do you think?"

"No. I can see it in your eyes." I laughed and gave her a hug. She wants so much to do what is right. She is my peacemaker through and through. In Primary on Sunday, Jack was up at the front and on his way back to his seat she gave him a big hug. They are unacknowledged best friends.



Now Charlie is awake from his nap and is calling for me. But I did want to show my mother-in-law Charlie's and my new haircuts.  I feel like a new woman.

ordinary

Today was a lovely day. 

I (somewhat reluctantly) pulled myself out of bed at 6:15 and went to the gym to run. On the way home, the full moon was setting as the sun was rising and I couldn't resist driving up to the H-rock to see the valley for a minute. The tips of the western mountains were just beginning to shine pink in the rising sun. The street was quiet except for a few chirping birds. The sky was a beautiful shade of sky-blue pink. The moon glowed impressively. It was breathtaking!

It was also cold, and I had kids to get ready for school so I didn't stay long. 

I showered and got the kids up and ready for school. I should note that MOST days I do not shower before taking the kids to school. I usually do drop off in my jammies/yoga pants/workout clothes. Occasionally I will throw on yesterday's jeans, but really that's a stretch. But today I did shower because after dropping Katie off at school I had a haircut scheduled. That's right, my friends. I actually got my hair cut. The last time was right after Charlie was born. And he is a year old. So..... yeah. It was time. I like to think that this is abnormal, but who am I kidding. I always wait that long between cuts. Anyway, I love my cut. It is light and actually feels like my hair has a style. And I have bangs. I haven't had real bangs since the 8th grade, people.

Then I picked up Katie and Charlie and ran to the store and then met Dave for his lunch break. 

The afternoon was fairly normal: snacks, homework, Jack and Katie played, Ana practiced violin, then dinner and chores and now the kids are tucked into bed. But it just felt good. 

Most days lately I feel frazzled and wonder why things are not going the way I always imagined they would. Today was a rare day when I thought, This is what I always wanted.

It was normal. It was average. It was extraordinary.

Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

-William Martin

baby steps

It started out as a normal Monday morning.

Okay, that's not quite true. Katie kept coming into our bed last night because she was cold, and Ana woke up at 6:30 and didn't feel well and wanted me to lay by her.

But otherwise it was mostly normal until I went to get in the car and the back door to our garage had been left open and the wind blew snow into it all night. And then the door to the car was acting funny and wouldn't shut tight so the kids were late for school. Jack hates being late so he refused to go in. I walked him to class (while Katie and Charlie waited in the car) and he still refused to stay. But Katie was also late for preschool so he came with me to drop her off and then finally I talked him down and we drove back to his school. Then it was grocery shopping and picking Katie back up and Charlie fell asleep in the car for 15 minutes and I had been home from the store not 5 minutes (just enough time to get everyone unloaded and in the house) when Ana called sick from school. So I went back and picked her up and then Dave came home from lunch and his car wouldn't start back up when he went to leave. (We jumped it and that worked.) So here it is, 2:00 in the afternoon, and Charlie won't go back to sleep and I have bread to make and a driveway to shovel, and on and on. Things don't always go as planned - both in life in general and in the day-to-day.

But I keep thinking back to the 5 minutes I spent trying to get Jack to stay at school. I was pushing and pushing and he pushed right on back. I got frazzled. He got upset. I was angry! Why did he have to make such a big deal out of this? He was 2 minutes late. It wasn't that big of a deal. He made it 10x worse by refusing to go into his classroom and running out of the school as soon as I let go of him.  But then I calmed down. On the drive back to his school, I said to him, "Jack, guess what. I hate being late too. Whenever we are late for church [which is far too often], I get so mad. I just like to be on time. So I get it. You can be mad and upset. But sometimes things happen. Sometimes Charlie gets a poopy diaper right before we leave and I have to stop and change him. Or we can't find kids' shoes or we just woke up late. Sometimes you just can't help it." After a few minutes he said he would go to school. When we got there I walked him in and he sat down and started reading.

Calm and compassion always win. I know that. I really do. Yet 9 1/2 years into parenting and still my first reaction is frazzle and frustration. I am sure I have passed the 70x7 number of times of repenting for that particular flaw of mine: React first, think later. But where the calm/compassion/validation response used to not even be on my radar, now it is my second reaction, so maybe, just maybe, I am making some improvement. Maybe in another 9 1/2 years it will be my first response. I think if I make it heaven, it will be because my kids are forcing Christlike attributes upon me.

Charlie is starting to be interested in walking. It's a game to him still. He'll giggle as he takes a few steps between us and we all clap for him and laugh at his success. He will stand up on his own in the middle of the floor sometimes and will let go and balance pretty well for a couple seconds. But he's still a crawler. That's me. I try to be like God. To be compassionate and patient. I stumble and fall a lot. Most of the time I resort to what is easier and what comes naturally. God is probably not too worried. He knows that it will come in time. It we be easier and easier as I practice. He is probably pleased with my efforts as I try little by little. But He also keeps giving me opportunities to practice.

I will learn one of these days.

homage to 2015

The new year is upon us.

2015 was quite the year.

Here are the happy highlights:

January: Our little Charlie was born. I can't imagine life without him.

February: We stayed home, sanitized our hands, and snuggled our baby boy.

March/April: California trip to see our amazing friends.

May: Dave and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary! And I turned 31, which was a big deal for me because it was my golden birthday and I had looked forward to it ever since I was a little girl and heard about Golden Birthdays. (It's when you turn the age of your birth date.)

June: Jack had his golden birthday and finished up baseball.

July: We spent the entire month in Idaho.

August: We tried to squeeze in as much summer stuff as we could.

September: An amazing visit from our awesome Vermont family.

October: Amazing trip to Arches National Park. Also, Star Wars Halloween!

November: Hosting my first ever Thanksgiving with my lovely sisters. (Also, I read the last 3 Harry Potter books in 1 week. Don't judge.)

December: Awesome Christmas celebrations.

These are the happy things. Sandwiched in all of that was Dave working like crazy,  the big kids' constant bickering, a lot of raised voices, and  Charlie getting 3 ear infections and learning how to get into everything.  And I went through a grumpy phase. (I think it was caused by, among other things, all the turmoil and angst I saw on social media that somehow seeped into my soul. ) (2015 was messed up on social media, amiright?)

I tried to stay focused on my goal to Reach Out. One thing I incorporated this year was reading that theme in my scripture study as well. It was so enlightening to me. There were times when I was really diligent about serving others and times when I wasn't. I will say this, it saved my sanity this year. The times when I focused on service were the much happier times in my year. I felt good. I felt productive and proactive. I felt like I was making a difference. In the busy-ness of the end of the year it seemed to fall by the wayside and I felt a difference.

And now I look forward. My love for New Year's resolutions is well-documented. It feels like a clean slate and fresh start. And I feel really good about my theme this year. But that will have to be for another day. Because it's midnight and tomorrow is back to the grind.

Here's to a New Year!

old emails and happy thoughts

If my email inbox is indicative of my life, then I am a giant mess. I just spent an hour deleting almost 1500 emails. Most of them were old newsletters, coupons, or book/play/planning-group stuff.  I really need a better organization system I guess.


But there were a few worth saving:

Words of encouragement from a sister.

A note of love from a friend (or 2).

A poem I had written in 2003 that my mom found.

An invitation Ana had made a few years ago to invite friends to a church activity.

Photos of my kids people had emailed me.

Through all the mess there was interspersed happy thoughts and memories. (And a few tears too.)

Such is life I guess. We trudge through the mundane and check off to-do lists and sometimes get bogged down by the ordinariness of life. But the extraordinary is in there. It may be hidden or tucked away. And maybe sometimes we throw it out with the rest without realizing. But it is there. If we take time to remember those moments of extraordinary beauty, we can see it. The more we give of ourselves, the more we see it reflected back to us. In our children, our friends, our families, even in ourselves.

So maybe Sacrament Meeting today included kids sprawling on the chairs or crawling up the aisles. And maybe dinner tonight consisted of ramen noodles and scrambled eggs. And maybe a certain kid refused to go to bed because the sheets were too cold and there was NO WAY they would warm up and I had to bribe said kid with a quarter to get into bed with the promise to report back to me in the morning on the sheet temperature. And maybe Charlie won't sleep well tonight and a million other little things. I will keep wading through it all. The joy, the extraordinary, the thing worth saving and remembering, is in here somewhere.

ordinary day

Summer to me is childhood. Endless popsicles, playing outside, running through the sprinklers. Our summer felt fragmented. We had the before Idaho part, the Idaho part and the after Idaho part. And it didn't last long enough. We didn't eat nearly enough otter pops and didn't run through the sprinkler enough. Time marches on without asking me.

Yesterday was labor day. The kids were home from school and the weather was a bit cooler. Dave had to work so it was just me and the kids. This was my plan for the day: Go to Costco and Whole Foods (for apple cider) and then come home and make apple cider donuts.

This is how the day actually went: Went to Costco, but they were closed. Went to Whole Foods and the only cider they had was a half gallon of (really yummy) spiced cider that was 8 bucks. I bought it anyway.
I then put some cider on to boil (because the recipe called for boiled cider) and it made my kitchen smell heavenly. That is, until I left the kitchen to attend to a fussy baby and the cider burned black as black and started smoking and set off my smoke alarm. After getting that taken care of and putting more cider on to boil (and watching it closely) I finally got around to making the donuts. The dough was delicious, but having never made donuts before and not having a donut cutter or an oil thermometer, they ended up tasting more like fried dough from the fair than real donuts. Still good, but not quite right.

Meanwhile, the kids, who I told couldn't watch any TV because I would not let them squander their last day of summer, found some wood outside and tried to make a football field goal post.

By 5:00 my house looked like this:

(And believe me, it was clean when the day started. Dave's parents were here Saturday and Sunday so they can testify. I had actually spent most of last week cleaning house.)

But, despite the setbacks in the day, I was okay with it. Ordinary days are still happy days. The kids were creative and cooperative, which is really quite extraordinary. I think that is why I like summer so much. The kids are just free to explore and play. I wish I could just step on brakes and make time slow down.

keepin' it real

Coming home from work. photo credit: Katie

How Dave spends his days off.

veggin'

I am not generally one to complain about my lot in life. A lot of people warned me about how hard residency is on family life and for the most part we've been okay. Dave's kidney stone was a rough spot, but generally speaking, I feel like I have been coping just fine. In fact, I feel like it has been much better than I anticipated. (I won't speak for Dave, though.) I get into my groove and make plans and deal with things as they come.

But sometimes it just sucks.

Because for every long day he has, I have a long day too. I can't complain to him about it, because, let's face it, he will clock 80 hours this week.

Tonight was just hard. Jack had a baseball game for about 30 minutes until they decided it was raining too hard to keep playing. I came home and made a quick dinner but all anyone ate was tortilla chips. I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to get kids to help out a bit and then got Katie ready and tucked into bed and then waited and waited for Dave to get home so I could go to a meeting that started at 7, but I thought it started at 7:30 and then he finally walked in at 8 and I probably should have just stayed home but I didn't want to so I left and caught the tail end of it. I am glad I went but then when I got home the big kids still weren't in bed and dinner was still on the table and Katie was still awake because she is the worst go-to-bed-er in the world and I was super annoyed. But then I felt guilty for being annoyed because Dave worked freakin' 14 hours in one day and I read a book and took Katie to the zoo and ignored the mounds of clean clothes that need put away so who am I to complain? Katie finally settled down and I got the kids in bed and asleep just in time for Dave to fall asleep because he has to wake up at 5:30 to start all over again.
 
Sigh...

I don't want to be a Debby Downer. Life is good. It is so good. I am so glad Dave has a good job and is getting such excellent training. He is a fabulous dad and he is humble and intuitive and I could not have asked for a better spouse.

I just wanted to keep it real for a minute. 

The end. 

Close up picture of Charlie so we feel happy again. :)