i can see it in your eyes

Today is laundry day. Which means we stay home and hang out in the basement while I pump laundry through the washer and dryer. So while I have been spending far too much time today dreaming of my dream house and texting friends, I thought I would use this opportunity to write.

I read recently that when we read we inhale, when we write we exhale. I've been holding my breath and this week I realized my need to exhale.

don't judge. it's laundry day

Katie is sitting next to me on the floor. She is playing playmobil. I love listening to her little guys talk to each other. I can hear her working out her perception of the world while she does it. She is such a delightful girl. She says funny and inspiring and adorable things. The other day were were joking around a little bit and I said something that wasn't true and she called me on it.

"Is that true Mommy?" she said.

I looked right at her and said, "what do you think?"

"No. I can see it in your eyes." I laughed and gave her a hug. She wants so much to do what is right. She is my peacemaker through and through. In Primary on Sunday, Jack was up at the front and on his way back to his seat she gave him a big hug. They are unacknowledged best friends.



Now Charlie is awake from his nap and is calling for me. But I did want to show my mother-in-law Charlie's and my new haircuts.  I feel like a new woman.

ordinary

Today was a lovely day. 

I (somewhat reluctantly) pulled myself out of bed at 6:15 and went to the gym to run. On the way home, the full moon was setting as the sun was rising and I couldn't resist driving up to the H-rock to see the valley for a minute. The tips of the western mountains were just beginning to shine pink in the rising sun. The street was quiet except for a few chirping birds. The sky was a beautiful shade of sky-blue pink. The moon glowed impressively. It was breathtaking!

It was also cold, and I had kids to get ready for school so I didn't stay long. 

I showered and got the kids up and ready for school. I should note that MOST days I do not shower before taking the kids to school. I usually do drop off in my jammies/yoga pants/workout clothes. Occasionally I will throw on yesterday's jeans, but really that's a stretch. But today I did shower because after dropping Katie off at school I had a haircut scheduled. That's right, my friends. I actually got my hair cut. The last time was right after Charlie was born. And he is a year old. So..... yeah. It was time. I like to think that this is abnormal, but who am I kidding. I always wait that long between cuts. Anyway, I love my cut. It is light and actually feels like my hair has a style. And I have bangs. I haven't had real bangs since the 8th grade, people.

Then I picked up Katie and Charlie and ran to the store and then met Dave for his lunch break. 

The afternoon was fairly normal: snacks, homework, Jack and Katie played, Ana practiced violin, then dinner and chores and now the kids are tucked into bed. But it just felt good. 

Most days lately I feel frazzled and wonder why things are not going the way I always imagined they would. Today was a rare day when I thought, This is what I always wanted.

It was normal. It was average. It was extraordinary.

Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

-William Martin

energy

Sun. Warmth, joy, light.

Stormy clouds move in, and swift

the wind whips. Rain beats fast,

then slower until the storm lifts.

What is the sky but a mirror?

The clouds circling, full of energy,

or a clear blue and calm.

From cold torrent to dog days lethargy

We expect sunshine, shame the storm.

Yet both are needed for growth in truth.

I see my soul in the darkened clouds.

Today's storm with yield summer's fruit.

I was obsessed with the sky on Thursday. I love the view of the valley as I drive Katie to school and the effect the sky had on the entire valley had me entranced. It was cloudy on the east side, but the mountains on the west were all aglow in the sunshine. My view of downtown also had it lit up. When I went back to get Katie the sun was trying to force its way through the clouds and I put on my sunglasses. But as I turned around and headed back home, the buildings of downtown were shrouded in darkness from ominous storm clouds above. Next thing I knew, the lights flickered on and off in our house, thunder and lightening began, and we got a downpour of snow. We got about 3 fresh inches. The sun struggled with the clouds all afternoon and it finally won just in time for sunset. The sky was a lovely pink and all was calm.

Dave says I have a "swirly brain." Boy, is it ever swirly lately. I can't concentrate on mundane tasks, so I fill my time with things that mimic the thrill of mental and social engagement, without the actual satisfaction - word games, social media, dollar bin shopping at Target, looking at house plans or houses for sale in random locations, etc.  I finish feeling just as empty. What I need is an Endeavor. A quantifiable goal that engages and satisfies my mind. Something that uses all this pent up energy and channels it into something worthwhile. I am like a fidgety child who needs to run wild a little bit every day so that I can return to my tasks with renewed focus and energy.

The sky reminded me of that this week.

baby steps

It started out as a normal Monday morning.

Okay, that's not quite true. Katie kept coming into our bed last night because she was cold, and Ana woke up at 6:30 and didn't feel well and wanted me to lay by her.

But otherwise it was mostly normal until I went to get in the car and the back door to our garage had been left open and the wind blew snow into it all night. And then the door to the car was acting funny and wouldn't shut tight so the kids were late for school. Jack hates being late so he refused to go in. I walked him to class (while Katie and Charlie waited in the car) and he still refused to stay. But Katie was also late for preschool so he came with me to drop her off and then finally I talked him down and we drove back to his school. Then it was grocery shopping and picking Katie back up and Charlie fell asleep in the car for 15 minutes and I had been home from the store not 5 minutes (just enough time to get everyone unloaded and in the house) when Ana called sick from school. So I went back and picked her up and then Dave came home from lunch and his car wouldn't start back up when he went to leave. (We jumped it and that worked.) So here it is, 2:00 in the afternoon, and Charlie won't go back to sleep and I have bread to make and a driveway to shovel, and on and on. Things don't always go as planned - both in life in general and in the day-to-day.

But I keep thinking back to the 5 minutes I spent trying to get Jack to stay at school. I was pushing and pushing and he pushed right on back. I got frazzled. He got upset. I was angry! Why did he have to make such a big deal out of this? He was 2 minutes late. It wasn't that big of a deal. He made it 10x worse by refusing to go into his classroom and running out of the school as soon as I let go of him.  But then I calmed down. On the drive back to his school, I said to him, "Jack, guess what. I hate being late too. Whenever we are late for church [which is far too often], I get so mad. I just like to be on time. So I get it. You can be mad and upset. But sometimes things happen. Sometimes Charlie gets a poopy diaper right before we leave and I have to stop and change him. Or we can't find kids' shoes or we just woke up late. Sometimes you just can't help it." After a few minutes he said he would go to school. When we got there I walked him in and he sat down and started reading.

Calm and compassion always win. I know that. I really do. Yet 9 1/2 years into parenting and still my first reaction is frazzle and frustration. I am sure I have passed the 70x7 number of times of repenting for that particular flaw of mine: React first, think later. But where the calm/compassion/validation response used to not even be on my radar, now it is my second reaction, so maybe, just maybe, I am making some improvement. Maybe in another 9 1/2 years it will be my first response. I think if I make it heaven, it will be because my kids are forcing Christlike attributes upon me.

Charlie is starting to be interested in walking. It's a game to him still. He'll giggle as he takes a few steps between us and we all clap for him and laugh at his success. He will stand up on his own in the middle of the floor sometimes and will let go and balance pretty well for a couple seconds. But he's still a crawler. That's me. I try to be like God. To be compassionate and patient. I stumble and fall a lot. Most of the time I resort to what is easier and what comes naturally. God is probably not too worried. He knows that it will come in time. It we be easier and easier as I practice. He is probably pleased with my efforts as I try little by little. But He also keeps giving me opportunities to practice.

I will learn one of these days.