seeing beautiful

I think when I blogged more I was better at seeing the beautiful things. I looked for them. I took pictures of them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to put on a facade or paint a false picture. I am a naturally positive person, and I found a lot of real joy and satisfaction out of finding the beauty in an ordinary day. Not to say that everyday was always beautiful. But even recording those uglier moments felt peaceful somehow. Like it turned them from an unpleasant experience to simply an experience, and then time worked its magic and now even those ugly moments are beautiful.

Writing (almost) daily forces me to be present. Instagram does it a little. But mostly I post and forget. But to write about a small moment takes time and craft. I think about it. The words fill my head and trickle through the day as I think about it. It causes me to stop and watch and listen and think.

I don't do that enough.

I was reading "Oh the places you'll go" to Katie tonight and I realized that I am in the "Waiting Place."

I am waiting for Dave's crazy schedule to lighten up.
I am waiting for us to move.
I am waiting til we can start seriously looking for a house.
I am waiting for such and such kid to get out of such and such phase.

Every day I am just waiting.

And some of those things I am looking forward to, but the answer to the slump-y, waiting, staying feeling is to be present. To watch as the kids learn and grow. To look Jack in the eye when he shows me how he got 100% on the test that he felt was pretty hard. To look at the pictures Ana takes with real attention. To pull Katie up on my lap and read her stories and tickle her.  To do puzzles with Charlie on the living room floor. My kids hear "just a minute" far too often, and usually for very unimportant reasons. Not only am I missing out, but they are too. They need their mother to see them in all their ordinary glory.  Writing makes me accountable for the day and the moments that I notice.

He started in the stroller, and I didn't think twice about his shoe-less, pantsless person.  Katie and Jack also joined us (running way up ahead).  Katie was in her nightgown and my flip-flops. Ordinary glory.

at the beginning

Of all the things people say when I tell them I am homeschooling Ana, the strangest to me is "I could never do that." It's strange because I used to say that, and yet here I am doing it. It's also strange because it gives off the idea that somehow homeschooling requires some type of "super mom" that seems to have it all together or that it is somehow superior to other types of education.

I don't believe that.

I do not believe that I am a better mom than other people because of this choice.

I do not believe that home school is superior to public school. 

I simply think it is the right thing for this particular child at this time. So despite the fact that I feel like I am not cut out for it and I am nervous and overwhelmed (and excited too) I am doing it. At least for now. We might figure out something else that is better and do that.

I believe mothers want what is best for their children. They do. Sometimes that means they homeschool. Sometimes it means public or private or charter schools or whatever configuration of education they decide is best. 

I also believe that while we are always a mother, we are not ONLY a mother. We are artists and musicians and accountants and teachers. We are intelligent, capable people with wonderful gifts to bring to the world. It is just fine to want time away from your kids to be your own person. It is fine if you breath a sigh of relief when you send your kids to school because you want time to write a book or go to work or volunteer or just be able to go to lunch with your girlfriends on occasion. It doesn't make you a bad mother. In some ways I believe that is what makes you a good mother. Some of the best mothers I know are women who do something outside of Mommy-ing. Some paint. Some write. Some serve. Some work. Most do things they enjoy simply because they enjoy doing it. They let their children see them loving something. It's good for kids to see their mom doing things they love. 

Everyone must decide that balance for themselves. Who am I to decide whose parenting or educational philosophy is "good" or "bad." I simply must decide for myself the balance of being Mom and being Erin. Some days/weeks/years it is definitely tipped on the Mom side of things. I think that's okay too. My mother used to often say "there is a time and a season." When kids are little, Mom wins out. But I must hold onto Erin, even by a thread, because there will be a time when the kids are grown and I want to know who I am.

Parenting looks different on everyone. And while I think there is value in reaching out for ideas and connecting with others, I think the best parenting advice comes from ourselves. Self-awareness is a powerful tool. Knowing what we are capable of, and doing it, is hard, rewarding work. It is the work of life and parenting and education and all the rest. We can do hard things. We were born to do hard things. 

(And homeschooling is hard.)