i want to remember ...

... the conversation I had while walking the dog with Katie last week. She mentioned that people often tell her she is cute. I asked her if people tell her she is nice. "Yes." Friendly? "Yes." A hard worker? "Yes." "Good," I said. "I always want to hear that you work hard and are nice to people." She then said something that I think is really profound. "But, Mom, sometimes my feelings take over."  Yes, I thought. Sometimes my feelings take over too.

... Charlie requesting "Edelweiss" for his bedtime song and singing it frequently throughout the day.
(I have an adorable video of this, but don't have it uploaded yet.)

... Ana telling me that even though some people drift away from their parents as they get older, she feels like she is the opposite.

... that Jack always has friends coming over to play.

We are so lucky to have landed here.

re-cap

Summer came and went.

I like slow summers. Summers full of otter pops and kids playing in the sprinkler. Maybe some camping and getting together with family, but mostly just hanging out at home.

This was NOT one of those summers.


Job interviews: We went to two. One in Northern California; one in Idaho. Both were delightful experiences.

Family Weddings: Dave had four nieces/nephews get married this summer. We attended two of the weddings and one of the other receptions. So, that was busy. They all looked so happy and it was wonderful to live close enough to attend.

Boise: Dave worked three straight weeks of the night shift which is basically the worst. We don't see him at all. Even his one day off a week he sleeps all day and then stays awake all night. Plus keeping all four kids quiet requires me to be much more helicopter-y than I am comfortable with. So the kids and I packed up and headed to Boise to be with my sister. It was a delightful, though short, visit. It is awesome that Dave's family lives half way there because it makes for a convenient stop along the way.

Logan: The last week of summer vacation I went up to Cache Valley and convinced my sister to play hookie from her job to hang out at the lake. Perfect ending.

We (minus Dave) also went to my Mom's family reunion, which was quite delightful and Ana got to spend a few days at Grandma's house all by herself, which made her feel quite grown up and also homesick.


Now school has started. Katie was so excited for the first day and it did not disappoint. ("It was the perfect first day!") Jack was nervous, but his teacher is good so far and he likes it. Plus his best friend is in his class, so that helps a ton.

Ana and I are beginning home school. Everyone said to spend time "deschooling" and so we have spent the first week taking it slow. Baking, shopping, cleaning, reading, playing (educational) games, and getting lots of physical activity. I am kind of making it up as I go along. I do have a list of the standards to guide me, but when I looked at curricula nothing felt like the right fit for us. The night before school started when the kids got their back to school blessings, I asked for one too. It brought me a lot of peace and comfort. Ana and I have always butted heads a bit, and that has always made me hesitant to home school her. But I know this is the right thing for us at this time. I don't know if it will be a forever solution or just for right now, but I'm glad that I know this is the right choice. It will help me when things get difficult to know that this is what God wants for us right now. I am confident that it will strengthen our relationship.

So here we go into a new school year. There are things to be nervous about and things to be excited about and even things to be sad about since this is our final year in Utah.

Sometimes I do get nostalgic, especially when I look at pictures of my kids when they were littler, but for the most part, I am always excited to watch my kids grow up. I don't think it's sad and I don't really think "stay my babies forever." I usually think "Grow. Learn. Change. Do Amazing things. Live." A new school year always reminds me that they are doing just that. I'm happy with the people they are becoming.

a decade later

Ana is 10.

10! A decade! Do you know how long that is? I mean, in another one she will be out of the house. Where has time gone? They say that you don't become an expert at something until you do it for 10,000 hours. Well, I have been parenting approximately 87,000 hours, so I should be an expert. Yet, I am so not.   I suppose its because kids change and grow and so your parenting has to, too.

It is an interesting process watching children through that changing and growing process. Some of it is painful (tantrums, sassiness) but when you step back and look at the big picture, it is always beautiful.

Ana is such a beautiful girl and we have had beautiful moments together.

Like the time a few months ago, when she saw some people begging by the Wal-mart near our house. When we got home, she got some money and then asked me to take her back so she could give it to them. She is always looking for ways to help people who have less.

And how she helps me with Charlie any time I ask. She is such a good sister to him. She takes him outside, plays toys with him, or tickles him. It is such a blessing for me.

I am homeschooling her next year. It has been something I have considered off and on for years, but always ended up sending her to school to "see what happens." Finally, after a tough year socially and academically, I decided it was time to do something different It will be an adventure for sure. We have been known to butt heads. We both are very reactive and high energy. Plus, I am building my own curriculum thanks to my teacher friends, the internet and the library so that will be crazy fun. But I am truly looking forward to having her home and spending time together.  She is fun and has big ideas and I really enjoy her independence and determination.

"To Live is to Change and Grow." She is changing and growing right before my eyes and I'm so glad I get to be her mother while she lives.

it's a good time

Summer has arrived.

...sigh of happiness...

I love having the kids home. Pretty much everyone I talk to is all like "I have/want to have a good routine for the summer and the kids will do chores and homework" and I'm all like "yay! no routine! no homework!"

That's how we roll around here. But it's not like they sit around watching TV all day. They have chores (but it's more along the lines of "Ana, go pick up the living room" or "Jack, clean out the dishwasher") and they still read and play and whatnot. I love summer so much, though. Warm weather. Popsicle smiles. Running through the sprinklers. Going on hikes. And sometimes, sitting at home doing nothing.

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far.

*I turned 32.  I like being 32 so far. Actually, I love being in my 30s. I think it is my best decade yet. I actually feel like I totally like who I am. That I have talents and gifts. That I can do good things and make improvements and what not. It's very liberating.

*Jack turned 8 and then got baptized a few days later. It was a fabulous day and so far, I can tell he is taking his new responsibility seriously. Earlier in the year he was really having a heard time and I struggled to know what to do to help him. But he seems to have gotten past whatever it was and he has been wonderful lately. He also went to his first cub scout day camp and had a great time.

*Dave has had an easy schedule this month and it's been great to see him so much.

*We went on a family trip to Northern California to interview for a job there. It's a long story of how and why we ended up interviewing there, and I won't get into the details. But the town was delightful and gorgeous, the people were humble and kind, and in general we left with a very good impression. We still have a few more jobs that we are looking into, but NoCal was fun to explore a bit. It was beautiful. We even took a slight detour off of I-80 to go to Lake Tahoe and we loved every minute of the hour we were there. Okay, I didn't love pulling Charlie away. He was having too much fun throwing rocks in the lake and NOT being in the car. We also swung up to Rupert for a day to visit Dave's parents.

*Charlie is starting to talk more and more. It seems like it has taken him a lot longer than the other kids, but that might just be my imagination. This week along he started saying "some" (when he wants something) and he will sign please. He says "thank you" any time you give him something and it is adorable. He can be a little pill sometimes because he is busy and determined, but he has a charming smile that wins me over every time.

*Ana has been such a delight to have home. She plays with Charlie so much. I don't know what I would do without her. In general she is willing to do what I ask and she is so helpful. I'm going to homeschool her next year and I'm really looking forward to building that relationship.

*Katie is hilarious and as fun as ever. She is so ready for kindergarten. And this week she learned how to do the monkey bars. I am blown away by just how big and grown up she is getting. Today I was talking to her a little bit about being safe and what do if she gets lost, etc. After a few minutes, she said, "Mom, can we stop talking about this. I'm starting to feel a little sad." She has such a tender heart.

I love this life that I have. To quote Andy Dwyer (from Parks and Rec) "My whole life is a giant mess and I love it." That's pretty much how I feel. So if you stop by this summer, you will likely see toys in the yard, crafts of the table, dishes in the sink, and me doing the crossword puzzle while Charlie runs around in a diaper. You are welcome anyway. It's always a good time.

write now

When I was 8 my sister gave me her old journal. She had used about half of it and it was blue with white geese and hearts on the cover and it had "I {heart} Rolly" written all over the inside cover. I didn't care. I tore out all her used pages and began writing. I wrote about Christmas presents and who won the Super Bowl and crushes and family and church and school and whatever else my little brain thought of.

I kept writing, too. I filled journal after journal. I still have them all in a box in the garage. To date I have filled about 2 dozen journals. Granted, most of my journal writing from the childhood/teenage years are filled with boys. That's all I really thought about in those days. The last 10 years my writing has decreased, but I like to think the material is a little elevated. Sometimes I think about those books tucked away in the garage and I wonder if there really is a point. I don't often go through and read them. Usually when I do I just laugh.

Today I came across my journal from 2011-2013. Ana found it and opened its pages. She opened it to a random spot and started reading it to me aloud. I felt nervous, not knowing which part of my soul she was about to discover. She happened upon an entry about her. It told of how Ana had befriended "the new girl" and welcomed her into her heart, like Ana always does. I wrote about how I felt like Ana was an instrument in the hands of God in helping that little girl and her mother feel loved and I expressed gratitude for Ana's friendly, outgoing nature.

As Ana read the words, her countenance changed. All the frustration she came home with melted away. She blushed and hid her face for a minute. The rest of the afternoon she carried it around and read it. She told me she felt loved and gave me a hug.

A few years ago I had been talking to a friend who had related a really hard experience she had gone through. I had wondered to myself why I didn't feel more inspired to help her at that time. That night I was reading through my journal and I came across an entry when I had called her to see if I could babysit or something and she had declined. I realized in that moment that I had been listening to the Spirit, regardless of her willingness to accept help.

This is why it is so important to write. We write our histories for ourselves and for our children. As we look back, we see strength and goodness and change. It is part of my legacy and their heritage.  The words I wrote changed my daughter. Maybe not permanently, but for an afternoon, she was changed.

Charlie's blessing day family picture

change

We are in full-blown teeth-losing mode over here. Ana lost two teeth in the last month. She tried to eat corn on the cob yesterday and found it very difficult without any front teeth. She also got quite impatient with the slacker tooth fairy who took so long to come. (A whole week for one of them!) Jack lost his first tooth this week too. He wiggled it a whole bunch while we were in Quebec because he really wanted to lose it in Canada. (I think he thought the tooth fairy would bring him Canadian money.) But alas, it feel out the day after we got home.  He really didn't want the tooth fairy to take his tooth though, so he asked nicely if he could keep it and she obliged. ;) 

I started packing today.  As I was carrying the boxes up from the basement I realized that this move is FOR REAL. I suddenly felt very sad and lonely. So I turned on some happy music. Part of my wants these next 3 weeks to go really slowly and part of me wants to just get them over with. Next up: our awesome trip to Quebec.

elementary school spirit week

Last week was "Spirit Week" at the kids' school. Basically each day was a different fun day. Ana was really in to it this year.

Day #1 was mismatch day. That was interesting. Mostly because I don't really care what my kids wear to school as long as it is clean and not raggity, so they kind of think that everything matches. Jack finally decided to wear bright red warmups with a nice striped sweater, but I am not quite sure he knew why they didn't match. He did get a big kick over the fact that he wore mismatched socks. It took a while to figure Ana's outfit out though because she kept asking "Are you sure?" when I told her that a bright red skirt didn't really match with a coral and purple shirt.

Day #2 was "favorite sports team." Ana insisted that I make her a Broncos t-shirt (she decided on her own that they are her favorite sports team).  I just so happened to have a bunch of plain white t-shirts to I traced the bronco onto the back. I am actually quite proud of the result.

Ana was a little disappointed to find out that not all of her classmates shares her love of the Broncos. In fact, when she got into the car after school she said, "Everyone said the Broncos stink." At which time I told her, "Welcome to fandom." But I didn't say it quite like that. I told her about how a lot of people like the Patriots around here and the Broncos beat the Patriots. I also said that Gramps likes the Cowboys and sometimes I tell him that they stink. She laughed at that and I told her it was just part of liking sports.  Also, that afternoon I chopped off her hair so I didn't have to deal anymore with crazy tangles like the one in that picture.

Day #3 was interesting. It was "crazy hair day."  Ana wanted really while hair, but after discovering that we have absolutely no hair products in our house, she decided to go with lots of braids. (And to wear her broncos shirt again. I guess she got over the trauma).

Jack on the other hand was super conflicted. First he wanted crazy hair, then he insisted that he was absolutely not going to school that day. Most of the morning was a struggle for him that included him breaking down into hysterics over crazy hair day. It seems that he didn't want to do it, but he also didn't want to be the only one without crazy hair and he just didn't know what to expect when he got to school. So I ended up walking him to class and showing him that most of the boys in the class didn't have crazy hair and then he felt better. That kid isn't the most flexible.

Day #4 was "favorite number day." Jack decided his favorite number was 23 (because that was Michael Jordan's number) and so once again I pulled out the stack of plain white t's and wrote a big 23 on it. I didn't take a picture but I loved what Jack did to it. He decided he needed to write different ways to describe the number 23. This included writing "twenty-three" along the bottom, writing "20+3 is 23" to the side of the big 23 and then drawing 23 dots, 23 tally marks and 23 squares on his shirt. I thought it was awesome.

The last day the kindergartners wore blue, and the 2nd graders wore red so that was easy.

It was actually fun, despite a few meltdowns and last minute throwing together of outfits. It was interesting to see what they wanted to do with each day. They are so different from each other and each day brings some new thing that they throw at me. And I guess they did go to school with a bit more "spirit."

magnificent seven

I went to pick up the kids from school today, as usual. Except, they thought I wasn't going to pick them up but I got the days mixed up so I was there today when they weren't expecting me. I took a moment to explain the mix-up to Ana's teacher, who afterward took a minute to tell me how Ana is doing in class. In a word, she is doing AWESOME.

Last year was rough. She didn't want to do her work in class and then wouldn't do it at home either. She didn't want to read and many mornings it was a battle to get her to go to school. But this year is different. She is thriving. Her reading has taken off. She likes to go to school. She has totally mellowed out. (Not to say that she is a mellow person, but she is more mellow for her.) A lot of her bad habits are stopping. She is more helpful and more responsible. I actually enjoy talking to her about things, too. I can't even explain how much of a relief this is for me.

If I could go back to last year when I was so worried about her and certain that I was either going to have to home school her or have her repeat a grade, I would tell myself, "Everything is going to be fine. She will mature, and all these things you are worried about will work themselves out." Perhaps 6 is just one of those "terrible" ages and now she got through it.

So, if anyone out there is struggling with a 6 year old girl, I hope you know, that it is going to be okay. Just do the best you can. Love that little girl. Pray for her. Do what you feel is best. And don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. Seven will be much better.

survival mode

I was discussing with my friend the seasons of Vermont. Of course there is winter, winter and more winter. I love it in December and January with their fresh layers of snow dressing the world in beautiful whiteness and me curled up by our fire with hot chocolate. About mid-February and March it is still too cold and overcast and gloomy to go out, but the beautiful snow is gone and you have "mud season." The only good thing to come out of those late-winter/early-spring months is maple syrup. Then For about 6 weeks in May and early June we have a beautiful spring with blooming lilacs and the florescent greenery as the new leaves bud. July and August likewise are wonderful as the green deepens into an indescribable thickness. September and October come with cooler weather, pumpkins, mums, apple cider and, of course, the wonderful color of the trees. Then comes November. It isn't snowing yet, but the trees are bare. It is "stick season."

So, "stick season" is upon us now with morning window scrapings and crunching leaves beneath our feet. It isn't too bad, particularly with the upcoming holidays. It seems even this early the holiday anticipation begins to build.

October went quickly. Dave was doing his "AI" (Acting Internship - in which they take on nearly resident workload and hours) in the NICU (which he thoroughly enjoyed) so we didn't see much of him.  With it I went into survival mode with lowering my expectations and trying to soak up as much of the fall as I could. He is now off interviewing for residencies, so survival mode continues. I am actually enjoying my evenings, though, as I am listening to "The Count of Monte Cristo" while doing up some chores. Plus I have great friends who help me fill up my time during the day. So, we are surviving. Even if Jack did decide to dump out his cereal milk tonight for no reason and Ana sneaks my iPod away to take a bunch of selfies.

But that's kinda awesome.

back to school

Despite my dragging my heels in the sand, the school year has come.  Yesterday was the first official day of school, but Jack's day was only an hour. So today was my first day with my kiddos off and me and Katie (and Zach) hanging around.


Ana is in 2nd grade. I can't believe it. She had a good first and second day and she loves her teacher this year. She doesn't tell me much about school and never really has. It comes out in little snippets. But I did hear her say that school has been really good so far.

And here is our little Kindergartener. Jack is especially excited to have his good friend from Church in his class.  (And we are too.) Jack loved his first full day.  I am excited for all this little guy is going to learn this year, but I will miss him. He's been my little buddy and it is strange not to have him around.

Monday night we had our traditional back to school fashion show along with a special family home evening. My kids really look forward to this FHE. After the fashion show and a lesson,  Dave gave the kids blessings.  Even Katie wanted one too and it was so cute to peek at her sitting so reverently in the chair.  It is such a special thing for our family. We can really feel the Spirit in our home.

And just for good measure, here is the little girl who gets to stay home with me.  I may just spoil her rotten.

 

photo credit: Ana

out the mouths of babes

My kids in a big chair at Shelburne Museum. I {heart} them.

There is something about the way a 2-year-old says things that just can't help but bring a smile.  Lately Katie has been saying all sorts of cute things. Like:

"That's awesome!" (After riding her trike down a slightly inclined drive way.  Also said when she saw that Ana painted Dave's fingernails pink.)

"I'm a princess!" (while she was twirling in her frilly pink skirt and tiara.)

"I'm tickling you, Mama." (I was on my hands and knees mopping the floor and she was climbing on my back with her hands wrapped around my waist.)


Of course, sometimes a 7-year-old can say things that surprise you too.

Ana had her first big bike crash today and when we asked her what happened she answered,  "I was riding with my eyes closed and swerving and snoring like I was asleep." (I guess she was getting tired...)

Also, a few weeks ago I was telling Jack that he can't take things that don't belong to him. I told him that stealing is against the law. Ana chimed in, "Yeah. The cops will take you to Juvie!" .... Uh, what? I laughed right out loud and asked her where she heard about that. (I guess there was a kid her in class whose Dad was a cop.)


Never a dull moment!

happy seventh birthday

Seven years ago I became a mother. I didn't know then how this little girl would challenge me, change me, and help me to grow. From the day she was born I knew she was strong. She squirmed her hands out of her swaddle while just a few hours old. She lifted her head to look up at Dave when she was just days old.  And while I walked her around our tiny living room I could feel the strength of her spirit. As she has grown I have seen that strength come out in so many ways.

Ana is not a follower or a leader. She is just herself. Of course there are times when she follows and times when she leads, but generally, she just does what she wants to do. She is passionate. She loves passionately, reacts passionately, gives passionately. She absorbs life like a sponge and exudes it in everything she does.  Last weekend we went camping and when we got to our campground she ran up to Dave and said, "Take a deep breath, Dad. It's fresh air!"

She loves horses and puppies and macaroni and cheese (from a box) and swimming and pink. She is sneaky and resourceful, and is hooked on Disney Channel. She will never pass up a chance to be one on one with her Dad. She is obsessed with getting new little purses and can't wait til she can wear high heels.

I love this little girl, and I am so glad she made me a mother.

like mother, like daughter

"If she was taller, you could be twins!" The woman sitting behind the check-in table at Ana's summer camp was looking right at me and my oldest daughter. I was somewhat taken aback.

"You think so?"

"Oh yes! You even walk the same. Her eyes are a little darker, but other than that she looks exactly like you. You are both beautiful."

I thanked her and smiled, gave Ana a hug and walked back to my car.

I have heard it said before. Especially when people see this picture of me from when I was 5.

That's me on the left.

People say we look just alike. Here is Ana at 5.

Photo by Heather Dahle Photography

Truthfully, I don't see it.  At all. I can sometimes see a little bit of Jack or Katie in old photos of me, but I never see Ana.  Maybe it's the bangs?

Usually when I think about the way we are alike, I am frustrated. Mostly frustrated with myself.  I am emotional. She is emotional. I get irrational when I am tired. She gets irrational when she is tired. I am always ready to enter into a debate/argument/fight. So is she. She gets it from me.

The other night I sat on my bed thinking about her.  I was thinking, specifically, of what I love about her and I began to write them down. Her eyes. Her observational skills. Her uncanny ability to find her way around any obstacle. (Even if that obstacle is just Mom saying "no.")  She gets those things from Dave. As I sat over looking the list and smiling as I thought of my little girl, I noticed that most of the list were things that she got from Dave, or things that are uniquely Ana. At the top of the list, the thing that I wrote down first, was written:

Ana is generous. She is always willing to share what she has and to give to others.

She gets that from me.

joe and marie get a christmas tree

Since we couldn't be there for Grandma's Christmas Party, we decided to make a video to share with the family. The concept was the kids' idea, Dave filmed and helped elaborate.

My kids are awesome.

capturing december: ana style

So, I totally dropped the ball on the picture a day thing. The main reason is because I have been doing an Activity Advent with the kids and I guess I can't keep up with TWO daily things.

Ana, however, has been taking a lot of pictures and I love what she ends up photographing.

I will continue tomorrow with a photo-a-day. (Probably.)

soundtrack to my life : track 1 : how do you solve a problem

A few months ago I purchased the soundtrack to The Sound of Music.  I love that music and listening to it again made me love it all the more.  Several of the songs spoke to me and I felt like it could be the soundtrack to my life now.

Track 1: "Maria"

I was sitting in bed, headphones in, when the song "Maria" came on.

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee. Her dress has got a tear.
 She waltzes on her way to mass and whistles on the stair.

  ...Instantly, I saw my little Ana Marie.

 
 When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused,
 and I never know exactly where I am.
 Unpredictable as weather, she's as flightly as a feather
 She's a darling, she's a demon, she's a lamb.

Unpredictable is right. I am never quite sure how she is going to react to anything. Somethings that I think will elate her or motivate her, she shrugs off. Somethings I think she'll shrug off she takes to personally. 

She'd out pester any pest. Drive a hornet from it's nest.
 She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl.

 She is gentle, she is mild, she's a riddle, she's a child.
 She's a headache. She's an angel. She's a girl.

There are so many times I have explained something to her several times, just to have to ask and beg and plead some more. But oh, man. She can be so gentle. She loves snuggles and she is a sweet little "mother" to Katie and other little babies around. 

 How do you solve a problem like Maria?
 How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
 How do you find a word that means Maria?
 A flibbertigibbet, a will-o-the wisp, a clown.

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her.
 Many a thing she ought to understand.
 But how do you make her stay and listen to all you say?
 How do you catch a wave upon the sand?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
 How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused And I never know exactly where I am Unpredictable as weather, she's as flighty as a feather She's a darling, she's a demon, she's a lamb
She'll out pester any pest, drive a hornet from it's nest She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl She is gentle, she is wild, she's a riddle, she's a child She's a headache, she's an angel, she's a girl

Read more: THE SOUND OF MUSIC - MARIA (THE NUNS) LYRICS

When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused And I never know exactly where I am Unpredictable as weather, she's as flighty as a feather She's a darling, she's a demon, she's a lamb
She'll out pester any pest, drive a hornet from it's nest She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl She is gentle, she is wild, she's a riddle, she's a child She's a headache, she's an angel, she's a girl

Read more: THE SOUND OF MUSIC - MARIA (THE NUNS) LYRICS

 Just to be clear, I don't consider Ana a "problem." I absolutely adore my daughter. She is so fun-loving. She is happy and energetic and passionate and determined and so many wonderful things. I love her. She has also stretched me as a parent, and as a person. I have put more thought and prayer into my relationship with that little girl than I ever thought I would. I have worried and wondered about how to teach her the right things. There are so many things I think she ought to understand and I feel like the message rolls away like a wave upon the sand.

The last few weeks have been a turning point for me, and I find myself loving her more than I ever thought. She is having some struggles right now, and I am on my knees asking for guidance in solving the little problems we are encountering. I have uttered similar prayers before, and I suspect it will not be the last.