i want to remember ...

... the conversation I had while walking the dog with Katie last week. She mentioned that people often tell her she is cute. I asked her if people tell her she is nice. "Yes." Friendly? "Yes." A hard worker? "Yes." "Good," I said. "I always want to hear that you work hard and are nice to people." She then said something that I think is really profound. "But, Mom, sometimes my feelings take over."  Yes, I thought. Sometimes my feelings take over too.

... Charlie requesting "Edelweiss" for his bedtime song and singing it frequently throughout the day.
(I have an adorable video of this, but don't have it uploaded yet.)

... Ana telling me that even though some people drift away from their parents as they get older, she feels like she is the opposite.

... that Jack always has friends coming over to play.

We are so lucky to have landed here.

re-cap

Summer came and went.

I like slow summers. Summers full of otter pops and kids playing in the sprinkler. Maybe some camping and getting together with family, but mostly just hanging out at home.

This was NOT one of those summers.


Job interviews: We went to two. One in Northern California; one in Idaho. Both were delightful experiences.

Family Weddings: Dave had four nieces/nephews get married this summer. We attended two of the weddings and one of the other receptions. So, that was busy. They all looked so happy and it was wonderful to live close enough to attend.

Boise: Dave worked three straight weeks of the night shift which is basically the worst. We don't see him at all. Even his one day off a week he sleeps all day and then stays awake all night. Plus keeping all four kids quiet requires me to be much more helicopter-y than I am comfortable with. So the kids and I packed up and headed to Boise to be with my sister. It was a delightful, though short, visit. It is awesome that Dave's family lives half way there because it makes for a convenient stop along the way.

Logan: The last week of summer vacation I went up to Cache Valley and convinced my sister to play hookie from her job to hang out at the lake. Perfect ending.

We (minus Dave) also went to my Mom's family reunion, which was quite delightful and Ana got to spend a few days at Grandma's house all by herself, which made her feel quite grown up and also homesick.


Now school has started. Katie was so excited for the first day and it did not disappoint. ("It was the perfect first day!") Jack was nervous, but his teacher is good so far and he likes it. Plus his best friend is in his class, so that helps a ton.

Ana and I are beginning home school. Everyone said to spend time "deschooling" and so we have spent the first week taking it slow. Baking, shopping, cleaning, reading, playing (educational) games, and getting lots of physical activity. I am kind of making it up as I go along. I do have a list of the standards to guide me, but when I looked at curricula nothing felt like the right fit for us. The night before school started when the kids got their back to school blessings, I asked for one too. It brought me a lot of peace and comfort. Ana and I have always butted heads a bit, and that has always made me hesitant to home school her. But I know this is the right thing for us at this time. I don't know if it will be a forever solution or just for right now, but I'm glad that I know this is the right choice. It will help me when things get difficult to know that this is what God wants for us right now. I am confident that it will strengthen our relationship.

So here we go into a new school year. There are things to be nervous about and things to be excited about and even things to be sad about since this is our final year in Utah.

Sometimes I do get nostalgic, especially when I look at pictures of my kids when they were littler, but for the most part, I am always excited to watch my kids grow up. I don't think it's sad and I don't really think "stay my babies forever." I usually think "Grow. Learn. Change. Do Amazing things. Live." A new school year always reminds me that they are doing just that. I'm happy with the people they are becoming.

first day of kindergarten

*this is an unfinished draft I decided to publish. I also added the picture today.

The kids started school today.

Katie had a great first day at kindergarten. Kindergarten! She was so ready and she loved her first day. In her words, "It was the perfect first day."  I don't remember having a hard time dropping my kids off at kindergarten. Today was no different. Katie was bright and happy but still calm. She is so ready for this new experience and I have always been excited for my kids to jump in, to start learning and growing. It hasn't been a sad experience for me at all.

getting off the bus

it's a good time

Summer has arrived.

...sigh of happiness...

I love having the kids home. Pretty much everyone I talk to is all like "I have/want to have a good routine for the summer and the kids will do chores and homework" and I'm all like "yay! no routine! no homework!"

That's how we roll around here. But it's not like they sit around watching TV all day. They have chores (but it's more along the lines of "Ana, go pick up the living room" or "Jack, clean out the dishwasher") and they still read and play and whatnot. I love summer so much, though. Warm weather. Popsicle smiles. Running through the sprinklers. Going on hikes. And sometimes, sitting at home doing nothing.

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far.

*I turned 32.  I like being 32 so far. Actually, I love being in my 30s. I think it is my best decade yet. I actually feel like I totally like who I am. That I have talents and gifts. That I can do good things and make improvements and what not. It's very liberating.

*Jack turned 8 and then got baptized a few days later. It was a fabulous day and so far, I can tell he is taking his new responsibility seriously. Earlier in the year he was really having a heard time and I struggled to know what to do to help him. But he seems to have gotten past whatever it was and he has been wonderful lately. He also went to his first cub scout day camp and had a great time.

*Dave has had an easy schedule this month and it's been great to see him so much.

*We went on a family trip to Northern California to interview for a job there. It's a long story of how and why we ended up interviewing there, and I won't get into the details. But the town was delightful and gorgeous, the people were humble and kind, and in general we left with a very good impression. We still have a few more jobs that we are looking into, but NoCal was fun to explore a bit. It was beautiful. We even took a slight detour off of I-80 to go to Lake Tahoe and we loved every minute of the hour we were there. Okay, I didn't love pulling Charlie away. He was having too much fun throwing rocks in the lake and NOT being in the car. We also swung up to Rupert for a day to visit Dave's parents.

*Charlie is starting to talk more and more. It seems like it has taken him a lot longer than the other kids, but that might just be my imagination. This week along he started saying "some" (when he wants something) and he will sign please. He says "thank you" any time you give him something and it is adorable. He can be a little pill sometimes because he is busy and determined, but he has a charming smile that wins me over every time.

*Ana has been such a delight to have home. She plays with Charlie so much. I don't know what I would do without her. In general she is willing to do what I ask and she is so helpful. I'm going to homeschool her next year and I'm really looking forward to building that relationship.

*Katie is hilarious and as fun as ever. She is so ready for kindergarten. And this week she learned how to do the monkey bars. I am blown away by just how big and grown up she is getting. Today I was talking to her a little bit about being safe and what do if she gets lost, etc. After a few minutes, she said, "Mom, can we stop talking about this. I'm starting to feel a little sad." She has such a tender heart.

I love this life that I have. To quote Andy Dwyer (from Parks and Rec) "My whole life is a giant mess and I love it." That's pretty much how I feel. So if you stop by this summer, you will likely see toys in the yard, crafts of the table, dishes in the sink, and me doing the crossword puzzle while Charlie runs around in a diaper. You are welcome anyway. It's always a good time.

i can see it in your eyes

Today is laundry day. Which means we stay home and hang out in the basement while I pump laundry through the washer and dryer. So while I have been spending far too much time today dreaming of my dream house and texting friends, I thought I would use this opportunity to write.

I read recently that when we read we inhale, when we write we exhale. I've been holding my breath and this week I realized my need to exhale.

don't judge. it's laundry day

Katie is sitting next to me on the floor. She is playing playmobil. I love listening to her little guys talk to each other. I can hear her working out her perception of the world while she does it. She is such a delightful girl. She says funny and inspiring and adorable things. The other day were were joking around a little bit and I said something that wasn't true and she called me on it.

"Is that true Mommy?" she said.

I looked right at her and said, "what do you think?"

"No. I can see it in your eyes." I laughed and gave her a hug. She wants so much to do what is right. She is my peacemaker through and through. In Primary on Sunday, Jack was up at the front and on his way back to his seat she gave him a big hug. They are unacknowledged best friends.



Now Charlie is awake from his nap and is calling for me. But I did want to show my mother-in-law Charlie's and my new haircuts.  I feel like a new woman.

katie at four

It's been four years since this little girl came into our life.  As I have thought about this birthday, I tried to remember what Ana and Jack were like at 4 and it was hard to remember. I am so glad that I was writing so diligently so that I could look back and read about it. I read that Ana at age 4 asked a million questions a day. I forgot about that. I have found a new resolve to write more things down and take more videos of my kids.

She has been loved and adored from day one. These preschool years are the best years ever. They are so full of life and confidence and energy and excitement. Katie is no exception. She feels everything and loves to be silly and play. She is very social - she won't do anything alone and she loves to hug and kiss and squish and climb on people's heads, and be carried everywhere. She gives me a run for my money sometimes and isn't a great sleeper.

This is her being mad because her crown had a bend in it.

 Man, she is fun though. She says hilarious things in hilarious ways. She is thoughtful and generous and loves to play. She is good at making friends and is starting to read and loves Wild Kratts and Daniel Tiger. She loves pink and dressing up and playing with Jack.

This is her asking if she looks like a lobster. Because, you know, the books are her claws. And one is bigger than the other. "This one is my pincher and this one is my grabber."

She lives for snuggles:

And is frequently seen in dress ups:

This was the birthday outfit Granny picked out because she wanted a purple sparkly dress.

But there is so much more to her than a list of things facts about her. I wish I could capture it. On her birthday, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said "I want to help people who can't walk get on and off escalators so they don't fall." (This was in reference to an incident when Dave helped a woman on an escalator.)  She often has a serious/concerned look on her face but it can turn to smiles in a minute. When she's upset she slumps her shoulders and cries and walks off, but she never stays mad for long. She gets nervous about some things like if she feels unstable or like she is going to be left alone, but if she feels comfortable then the sky is the limit. She is quick to apologize and give hugs when she does something wrong.  I want to remember the way she says "yes!"  with a fist when something goes her way and how she will say "you are the best mommy in the whole world" and how she asks me to sing "the bird song" at bedtime and when we get to the part that says "I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world" she opens her arms and looks up at the heavens.  I also want to remember how she says "Oh, yeah!" when she is excited about things and "woohoo!" as she flies high on a swing or goes fast on her bike. 

Mini-Golf

Dave's sister was over this morning and Katie was dressed up (as usual) in her leotard.  Amy asked her what she could do in her leotard and so Katie cleared a nice big space off the floor. Then she stood in the corner and started to run, but stopped and said, "Wait, I need to go talk to myself." Then she went to a corner and I could see that she was giving herself a little pep talk. ("Okay, you can do this!") A look of determination crossed her face. Then she stood back up in the same spot and started her trick again by running then doing a little half cartwheel. We have always called her our little cheerleader and I am so happy to see her cheering herself on as well. I hope she never, ever loses that confidence and determination. 

I also want to remember her sweet little spiritual side. She often talks about trying to listen to the Holy Ghost and remembers to say her prayers. She loves primary and singing primary songs and tries to be a peacemaker in our home. (Lest you think she is a total angel, she can be quite a pill during Sacrament Meeting and also family scripture study, so, there is a balance there.)

Katie truly is a light to everyone who sees her.

on stages and my favorite age

I have been slowly working on turning my blog into hard copy books. I often get distracted reading some of the stuff I wrote about my kids. Time passes by so quickly. I am so glad that I have a record of some of the cute and crazy things that Ana and Jack said and did over the years.  Right now I feel like I am in between two different "stages" of motherhood.  I still have the littles - a baby, a preschooler - who I take to story time and play group and the zoo. But I also have these big kids that are going to school and doing homework and playing sports. It is a strange to be straddling these two phases. I was talking to my oldest sister today and I realized that I am the age that she was when I lived with her and nanny-ed her 4 little children. It was a weird realization. I am not nearly the mother now that she was then. She always seemed like she knew what she was doing and was very deliberate and calm. I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.

I have to say, that, so far, my favorite age is 3.  Preschoolers are funny and happy and silly and, yes, they push their limits. Katie is in this stage and she is such an enjoyable little girl. I want to bottle her up and keep her exactly how she is. (I remember feeling the same way about Jack. I almost cried the night before his 4th birthday because I didn't want him to change and grow up.)  But since, I can't do that, I thought I would give a write a little snapshot.

*When the above photo was taken, I was nursing Charlie and trying to convince Katie to go play with Daddy since she was climbing all over me. Her response: "No, he is doing boring stuff."

*The other day, after Dave and I realized that the box to the double bed we just bought for the girls was NOT going to fit down the stairs, Katie said to us, "That's okay. We just need to try teamwork!"  She is always the little cheerleader for everyone.

*She never wants to be alone. Bedtime, going potty, getting dressed, eating a snack, etc. She always wants a companion to be with her.

*She loves playing with friends. Or anyone really. She and Jack play really well together most of the time.  Today they were playing in the snow sledding down a slight slope we have in our front yard. They are turning into good friends and I love it.

*She loves herself some screen time. Mostly she plays on pbskids.org. And I pretty sure she is smarter because of it. She knows all her letter sounds, can count to 29, can tell you about all sorts of animals (like Gila Monsters) from Wild Kratts, and has all sorts of little songs in her head that help her deal with things from Daniel Tiger.

*While we were driving in the car one time, she piped up. "Did you know that we are actually in space? Because we are on the earth and the earth is in space. So we are in space."  I guess that is what comes from having a big brother who loves all things Space-related.

*She is a good big sister. She mostly leaves Charlie alone but gives him nice hugs and kisses and wants to hold him occasionally. She is never mean or upset with him. 

*A while ago we talked about being a Peacemaker for our family home evening. It really stuck with her and she tries to be a peacemaker in our home. She also reminds everyone that "Jesus wants us to share." In fact, after learning the story of the Little Red Hen, she told me that the Little Red Hen was not nice because Jesus wants us to share. Of course, it is a lot harder to follow her own advice when she is the one who has to give up something, but she is a very generous little girl.

*She is very good at saying "thank you" spontaneously. She also likes to use big words like "hilarious" and "venomous."

*When she wins she makes a fist and says "Yes!"

Of course, she is still 3. So, it is not all sunshine and roses. Katie has quite to stubborn streak and can be extremely impatient, which is difficult when I am nursing the baby. She also doesn't sleep well, still. In fact, often I am up more in the night with her than I am with Charlie. She is grumpy and needy when she is tired (which is often) (because she doesn't sleep) and she is a picky eater.

 *Oh, and she picks out her own clothes. You can decide if it is a pro or a con. :)

preschool

I wonder if when we say or think certain things God laughs a little. Or maybe I have always been quick to judge and form opinions and God wants me to stop it. I have put my foot in my mouth so many times. Like when I teased my roommate roommate's boyfriend about being from po-dunk Rupert Idaho. Ha! I love that little town.

I have come to another one of those times. I always swore that 3 was WAY too young for preschool. "They need to be home with their mom," I said. I didn't even like the idea of sending a kid to preschool at all. Ana didn't go at all. Though I did send Jack to preschool, albeit reluctantly.

And this week I sent Katie to preschool. At 3 years old. She still looks too tiny for it, but man she is ready.  After years of living right next door to her best friend, Kenzie, and always having a playmate in little Zach while I was babysitting him, the past 4 months she has been going through some social withdrawals. And while I am sure I am a fun playmate, I can't just play Go-Fish or Uno all day every day. And Katie is always right there with me. I can't walk out of the room she is in without her shouting (and I mean shouting) my name over and over and over and over until I come back in. And she even insists on sleeping with me - waking up almost every single night (sometimes more than once) to come and get me or get in bed with me. We need some space. 

She is a joy and so stinking adorable sometimes I just can't stand it. Like when she puts her hand over her mouth when she is giggling. Or today when she was getting out of the car for preschool and she said, "Thanks Mommy! Have a good day at home." But some time away is okay too. With the baby coming I think it will be so good for her to have her own thing to do and to feel like a big girl. She is a big girl.

She came home from her first day beaming with joy. I think we made the right decision.

identity crisis

Katie isn't really herself these days.

She is anybody or anything else. 

Every day holds a new identity. 

Some of them are well-known. 

A Bee:

 Or Tinkerbell:

Some are more obscure.

A sword-wielding, sunglass-wearing, super-hero wal-mart shopper (?):

 

Sometimes she gets very specific.

Like Elsa WITH GLOVES:

 Rapunzel must have Pascal on her shoulder:

 And Fix-it Felix has Short hair because he is a boy:

Sometimes, though, she is just Katie. But she still needs a spin-y dress for all occasions.

Like eating breakfast:

Or drowning her sorrows in chocolate milk:

 (She was very distraught that her friends had to leave before she could share her bike and helmet.)

 

 

Or playing in the sandbox:

 

She keeps us smiling and laughing, that's for sure.

The only identity I object to is that of a spider monkey, but only because she insists on using me as her personal jungle gym. But she doesn't seem to be giving that one up anytime soon.

this week

Katie spelling with her blocks. OPS=Octopus. :)

I have been a little grumpy this week. I can't quite account for it.

It might be that Dave has had a few hard rotations right in a row that mean long hours.

It might be that Katie gets in bed with us every. single. night. and I am just not sleeping well.

It might be that I feel like I haven't been "caught up" on housework in about a month.

It might be because I don't have energy to do anything. And by no energy, I mean, I get winded going up the stairs, tired walking down the street, and the thought of folding and putting away the mounds of laundry makes me want to take a nap. (I found out at my doctor's appointment this week that I am slightly anemic. That may have something to do with it.)

It also might be that Katie is super clingy. Like, I can't leave the room she is in without her yelling calling my name incessantly until I come back. Clingly, as in, she insists on climbing all over me like I am her personal jungle gym at all times.

And, of course, there is the mommy guilt that makes me grumpy. The constant thought that: for heaven's sake, I'm not bedridden or throwing up anymore just get off the dang couch and enjoy these last few weeks with just you and Katie during the day and take your multi-vitamin and do I really need to check Facebook again?

Typically when Katie and I get home from walking the kids up to the bus stop (which is a 2 minute walk), I sit down and veg on my phone for a few minutes until I get the energy to get up. But this morning was different. For one thing, I was asleep before 10 last night. That is a miracle. Not because it isn't possible every night, but because I just don't do that. My body wants to sleep from 12-8. I usually don't feel ready to sleep until then. But everyone crashed last night and so did I. And Katie didn't get in bed with me until 5. That is 7 un-squished, uninteruppted,  blissful solid hours of sleep. She is still asleep, and I did start playing on my phone for a minute when I decided to study for my lesson on Sunday. Everything was still and quiet as I read the account of the First Vision. Then baby started kicking and squirming like crazy and it made me really happy. And I took a minute to enjoy him moving inside me and I felt very grateful.

I am so glad that this baby is growing and is healthy and will soon join our family. I don't feel nervous about it. I am just excited for baby snuggles and quietly rocking him in the middle of the night and watching the kids love him. I just know they are going to love him. The other day we were all watching a movie together as a family and he started kicking and all the kids felt him. They love him already.

I am grateful that, so far, I have handled this resident-spouse thing pretty well. I was nervous about how the stress would affect our marriage and our home but so far, I feel like I have been alright. There are definitely stressful days, but I have managed to deal with things pretty evenly so far. I am not trying to say how awesome I am. I truly think it has been a blessing from God.

I am also glad that, somehow, when I drove to Logan to see my awesome sister perform in a melodrama and Jack barfed all over the car and Ana's knee started bleeding and Katie peed her pants all in about a 30 minute period, that I was able to laugh about it. (It helped that my mom was there to pick up cleaning supplies at Wal-Mart for me since I had absolutely nothing in the car.) My sister performed beautifully, all my kids survived and loved the play themselves and I had a good nice chat with another sister on the way up and back so it was all worth it.

Life is good. Yes, it is challanging at times and, yes, I don't always handle everything with the calmness and grace that I aspire to, but, truthfully, it is good.

And now I think I will tackle the laundry.

not so terrible

playing train

I love having a 2-year-old. I suppose 2 gets a bad rap because of the mess-making, tantrum-throwing, and hitting/pinching/biting/whatever-other-thing-your-toddler-does and somehow they get the title "terrible." Surely, Katie does have all of those "terrible" behaviors, but in my 7 years 8 months 11 days as a parent I have learned that ALL phases of childhood has its "terrible" things.  (And they all have their wonderful things too, for sure.)

But 2 (up to about 4) year-olds have the biggest pay off for me. I love how they learn and grow at this stage. They change and figure things out and learn to talk and express themselves and their personality really emerges.  One of my favorite things is the funny things they say.

Some of my favorite Katie-isms:

*Upon seeing her nightlight flicker a bit: "My nightlight has gone haywire!" (I didn't even know she knew this word. I guess she learned it from her favorite show, Paw Patrol.)

* "You the best Mommy ever!" (always accompanied by a big hug and kiss and said several times a day.)

*"Yoohoo! Hi, Family!" (quoting Frozen, her favorite movie.)(She is quite the movie/TV-quoter by the way. She quotes Paw Patrol, Frozen, and even occasionally Princess Bride.)

*"What I can do for you?" She says this frequently. She said it the other day for Jack and he didn't really hear her, but she said looked up at the ceiling scratching her head and then said, "I know. A drink of water." Then she ran to me and asked me to get her a drink which she promptly took to Jack. She felt very proud of herself for doing something nice for her brother.

*When she wears her puddle-jumper around the house: "I have big muscles!"

She also insists Dave shave his face before she will kiss him (not a fan of the whiskers), is known to say, "Its not fair!" anytime she doesn't get her way (something she learned from older siblings) and she frequently wants to wear her spinny-est church dress during the week. (I let her.) And she won't go potty by herself, which is somewhat annoying.

I can't imagine my home without a little 2.

I typed this entire thing on my iPod.

It is 11:36 pm according to my iPod.

 Katie is still awake. Dave and I have been trying to get her to sleep for approximately 3 hours. Dave tried lying down by her and the only one who fell asleep was him.

The thing is, she fell asleep in the car today at 2:30 and stayed asleep when we took her into the library at 3:15. And kept sleeping until 4:15. So here we are.

Now is the part where I tell both of my readers why it has been 2 weeks since I posted and talk all about how busy December is and how I just couldn't find the time or emotional energy to write, but you don't want to read about that. Or maybe you do, I don't know.

I have spent most of my at home hours the last little while being annoyed. When I am out and about doing things I don't feel it so much, but in my home there had been a general level of annoyance and I don't like to write when I am annoyed. For one thing, I don't like to write about negative things. Not because I am trying to hide it, but because it isn't uplifting. For another thing, I don't seem to write very well in that state. And if you are wondering why I was annoyed and with whom, the answers are I don't know and everyone, but mostly myself.

But I feel better the last couple days and Katie seems to be coming out of her 3 week stint of not wanting to be potty trained any more even though she was perfectly potty trained for a good 6 weeks before that and that is awesome. Plus, she is hilarious and always says funny things. Things like:

*"Mom, your supposed to be in your bed!" When she wakes up at 11 and I am still awake downstairs.

 *And also insisted that "My (meaning I) not Kate. My Katie." every time we call her Kate, which is pretty often.

Sometimes I just can't believe how big she is. She wanted to wear a particular dress today because it spins so well. I put a different one on her and she said, "it doesn't spin." So of course I let her change.

I always laugh when my kids do funny things. Is that bad? They probably get confused because I don't laugh when they think I should and I do laugh when they aren't trying to be funny.

 Katie is asleep now. It is 12:04. Happy Thursday.

The only picture I took of our amazing thanksgiving weekend.

Christmas is upon us.

So is snow.

If it going to be cold, it might as well be snowy.

I think my kids agree.

back to school

Despite my dragging my heels in the sand, the school year has come.  Yesterday was the first official day of school, but Jack's day was only an hour. So today was my first day with my kiddos off and me and Katie (and Zach) hanging around.


Ana is in 2nd grade. I can't believe it. She had a good first and second day and she loves her teacher this year. She doesn't tell me much about school and never really has. It comes out in little snippets. But I did hear her say that school has been really good so far.

And here is our little Kindergartener. Jack is especially excited to have his good friend from Church in his class.  (And we are too.) Jack loved his first full day.  I am excited for all this little guy is going to learn this year, but I will miss him. He's been my little buddy and it is strange not to have him around.

Monday night we had our traditional back to school fashion show along with a special family home evening. My kids really look forward to this FHE. After the fashion show and a lesson,  Dave gave the kids blessings.  Even Katie wanted one too and it was so cute to peek at her sitting so reverently in the chair.  It is such a special thing for our family. We can really feel the Spirit in our home.

And just for good measure, here is the little girl who gets to stay home with me.  I may just spoil her rotten.

 

photo credit: Ana