one year to go

I love being a mother. There is nothing in the world I would rather do than take care of my kids. And to have more.

Lately the weight of my responsibility as mother has been bearing down on me. See, in one year - 1 year - this little girl:



starts all-day kindergarten.

I'm not all weepy about it. I'm not wondering where the time went and how can she be this old. I'm not wanting to hold back clocks.

But I'm watching her and thinking, "what does she need to be ready for this big step?"

Because in one year she will be without me more than she is with me. In one year, I will not be her main influence.

I remember when she was a baby.



She cried a lot. She wasn't colicky - she was intense. And I knew - I knew - that she was going to be a strong Spirit. I knew that Heavenly Father sent me a tough one for some reason. She still is. She is restless. She is easily frustrated. She is fearless. She is easily influenced. She is persistent. She is observant.

She is tough.

It has been weighing on me lately. She is full of contradictions. She misses her old friends but doesn't want to write them letters. She doesn't like to draw pictures because they don't look just right. She loves her brother so much she can't leave him alone, constantly hugging him or dragging him or pushing him. She makes friends everywhere but is struggling being a friend to those she already knows. When she is upset about something she cannot move on from it.

But...

How can I teach her to let things go when I don't?
How can I teach her to stay calm when I get so easily frustrated?
How do I teach her to be a good example? That happiness comes from making right choices? That her actions affect others? That she can choose?
How do I teach her to love others? To play and work independently without getting into trouble? To not be so darn impulsive?

I think in a lot of ways it comes down to me. I need to be the example of love, of calmness, of happiness.

This is not easy.

I guess that is what is so great about being a mother. It requires that I love, serve, change, and grow. It requires humility, patience, critical thinking, problem solving, and cheerfulness.

And lots and lots of prayer.

camping trip 2010

Another travel log today. We are just having all sorts of fun seeing this place.

We squeezed in our typical once-a-summer camping trip this last weekend. We went with our new friends the Morey's and it was so much fun! We went to Silver Lake State Park about an hour away.

Camping:

We rented a canoe on the lake the next morning. It was awesome! We rowed near the shore and saw a little turtle resting on a log. We scared it and it swam away but then we saw another one swimming near by too. It was pretty cool.



Then we went to the town of Woodstock which was cool. They had houses built in 1801 (still in use!) We also found a consignment store there which was really fun to look at. After that we went to the Joseph Smith Birthplace Monument. My favorite part was going to see the foundations of the homesteads around there, an old stone bridge that was really used 200 years ago, and rock wall that was built when they built the road. The old toll road was a major road from Montreal to Boston in those days. Also we found out that in those days Vermont was 80% clear land. (Now it is 80% forested.) I love all the history that surrounds us here!


On the way home we drove past some cool covered bridges - all built in the 1800s.


It was so much fun!

a conversation i had with ana in the bathroom at silver lake state park, vermont

A: Mom, sometimes kids poop in their panties and that's called cheating.

M: Its called cheating, huh. Do you know what cheating means?

A: Yeah, it means when do something you are not supposed to do.

M: Oh, really.

A: Yeah, people who pee and poop in their panties are cheaters. Like babies who wear diapers. But that's okay. But all bad guys are cheaters. Maybe someday if I meet a bad guy, then I'll say, "you should not be a cheater anymore" and then they will stop being a cheater. That would be good, huh, mom.

M: Yeah.

A: Then they wouldn't be bad guys anymore and they wouldn't be cheaters.

M: Okay, lets wash our hands and go back to our tent.

Where does she come up with this stuff?

things i hear 50 times a day

Jack:
"Please can I have some more strawberry milk? Please? Please, Mom?"
"I do it all by myself."

Ana:
"I can do whatever I want to do."
"Can I watch a show?"

Things I have heard in the last few days:

"I don't wanna wear this. It looks weird!" (Ana)
"We can fix your bike with a screwdriver, make the wheels turn!" (Jack)
"Mom, I'm sorry I was screaming at Tanner's house." (Ana) (Tanner is our neighbor who is almost 2.)

lesson learned

This is what our new couch looks like:

Quite an improvement from this:

It was still in really solid shape, but it was starting to look dirty and it had a few little tears in it. Plus we found the fabric on super sale - 70% off - and we had a friend who said she'd clean and reupholster it for pretty cheap. So after having the fabric around for 2 years, we finally got it done right before the move.

We really like it. I need to make some throw pillows for it still, but I like it.

Today Jack colored on it in bright blue crayon.

Its my own fault. I saw the crayons sitting there when we went downstairs this morning. I even thought "You should just pick those right up and put them away." But I didn't. Then I fell asleep on the couch.

When I woke up 40 minutes later (!!!), my couch was blue. Doesn't really go with the color scheme. So I spent 20 minutes scrubbing it out. And I am cracking down on the coloring-on-stuff-that-isn't-paper business from my little two-year-old.

And I'm going to put the crayons away when I see them on the floor. (Duh).

observations

*My bathroom looks about 10x cleaner if I just wipe down the sink after I'm done with it every day.

*Jack always falls asleep on his stomach and when he's almost asleep he kicks his leg repeatedly into the mattress. For a long time I couldn't figure out what the thump, thump was that I could hear from his room. He also likes me to scratch his back.

*I don't think I've gone anywhere without kids in 6 weeks. My nerves are starting to show it.

*The rain here is so warm. Its the best jump-in-puddles rain.

*If Ana watches TV first thing in the morning she wants to watch TV all. day. long. And she is grumpy. (Especially after a really hyper show like Dora or Diego.) If I can hold her off for a few hours, everything goes much better.

*I actually prefer the 7:30 wake up days to the 9:30 wake up days. Here it is 11:30 and I'm still in my pjs. We'll get back into it tomorrow I guess.

this week: a photolog

Tuesday:



Wednesday:





Thursday:

re-discovery

All through high school music - specifically, singing - was a part of me. I sang. A lot.

Then I nannied for a year and kinda stopped the constant stream of song and dance that was typical for me beforehand.

When I went to college I auditioned for the Women's Choir and didn't make it.

For the 5 years that followed, I didn't sing much. At least not AS much as I did before. Even after Dave and I got married, not many people knew I liked to sing.

For the last 2 years I've been on a slow path of re-discovering that little piece of my soul.

My Road to Re-discovery
in 5 parts

1. In our first ward in Rupert I was called as ward music chairman/choir director. At some point when a musical number I had arranged fell through, I decided to sing my favorite arrangement of the hymn "Sweet Hour of Prayer" in Sacrament Meeting. That musical number led to being asked to sing that same song in every ward in the stake, which was cool. And I realized again that I liked singing.

2. Growing up my sisters and I would do "concerts" in the living room (usually standing on the piano bench) with wire whisks as microphones. Our signature song was Trisha Yearwood's "She's in Love with a Boy." We did it often enough that we even performed at my sister's wedding reception. A few months ago I purchased this song on iTunes and now Ana loves to sing along, with, of course, a wire whisk as a microphone. This may be one of my proudest mommy moments.

3. Seeing as how my house is all hard wood, it has awesome acoustics. I've been singing a lot more lately.

4. The other night when I was upset/annoyed/frustrated about something ridiculous that I can't remember now, I turned on my iPod to the Dixie Chicks and sang my heart out while I folded laundry alone in my bedroom. It was very therapeutic.

5. Tonight I feel happy. While I was doing the dishes, I walked into the other room to see Ana dancing to "Good day Sunshine" and I joined her. Then we moved on to Taylor Swift. It was a blast. Jack joined in too. We danced around our sun room/"dancing room" for a good 20 minutes.

I feel like I have just uncovered a piece of me that was lying dormant. It didn't come all at once, but tonight I realized that it was missing. I've been turning music on around the house more just because. That was something that was always present in my home and somehow I just forgot. And now I remembered. Its a wonderful memory.

I want music to fill our house until its bursting at the seams and slinking out of the cracks in the doorways. All kinds of music. And I want dancing. They just should go together. I love that somehow when music is playing, the kids aren't begging to watch another Blues Clues, but they are standing next to the player wiggling their little bodies.

Its awesome.

I hope I don't forget this ever again.

she'll probably win an olympic medal or something

I have a needy two year-old.

Like whiny to the point where by 6:30 tonight I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and start yelling, "I can't hear you. I can't hear you." (I resisted the urge.) (Barely.)

This doesn't pertain much to the story except that because of this needy two year old, I have been looking extra hard for two minutes of peace and quiet throughout the day.

So this afternoon, while the children were playing happily, I stole myself upstairs to see what Dave was up to. He was, of course, playing with his new nifty computer that the school issued him and so I plopped myself down next to him and relaxed for a few minutes.

After a few minutes I heard the fridge open so I went downstairs and got them each a bowl of yogurt and went back upstairs to finish my conversation with Dave.

... I interrupt this story a little side note: A few weeks ago I read a friend's facebook status who was lamenting the mess her children made while she thought they were playing quietly. Seeing as how at least one of my children (usually Ana) is underfoot ALL DAY LONG, I couldn't really understand this concept. My kids don't really get into too much mess making trouble because they never leave my side. That's just what they do - follow me around the house. It is really quite rare that Ana and Jack play happily without needed frequent intervention and even rarer that Ana plays by herself alone. To continue ...

We probably had a conversation uninterrupted for 15 whole minutes! It was awesome.

Then I started to hear thump ... giggle... clang-clang... thump.

No one was crying so I ignored it.

But it just kept going on. Finally I decided to go down and investigate.

I was expecting a mess of toys all over our dining room.

I was not expecting to have to mop the floor three times.

I was expecting the thump to have been toys being thrown all over the room.

I was not expecting the thump to be Ana slipping on the dining room floor, covered in Strawberry Yoplait and declaring happily, "I'm skating, Mom!"

Some things I have no response but a laugh. And to thank my lucky stars that Jack was merely a spectator clanging toy dishes in applause for Ana's antics.

As I took her upstairs for her bath Ana said, "I want to take skating lessons sometime, Mom."

reflections on summer 2010

I am a summer lover. Family reunions, summer picnics, spending hours outside at pools and parks, bbqs - the list goes on. Each year as summer draws to a close and cooler days loom before, I feel a sense of sadness and longing for more.

This year, however, all I feel is indifferent.

Maybe its because I'm really looking forward to Fall in Vermont: apple picking, leaves changing and, most awesomely, a visit from my rad sister, Shari.

Maybe its because this summer has been so --- not summer-ish. June was cold and rainy, and brought some sad business with it. July was just starting to warm up when appendicitis laid me out for our last real week in Idaho. We moved and missed my family reunion. Now suddenly, its (a somewhat rainy) August, Dave is in school, and life is back to normal.

In some ways I feel cheated. But mostly I feel excited to see what the future holds for us in Vermont. And I really am looking forward to fall.

Yesterday was nice and hot so we went to the beach with some of our friends. Good times were had by all. Though the lack of a nap threw Jack into a full-blown, cried-so-hard-he-puked-on-my-newly-reupholstered-couch, temper tantrum at bedtime.

The beach was still worth it. I really do love summer!

dave's first day of school

And he has one proud little girl! And wifey. :)

shelburne farm

On Saturday we went to this beautiful farm called Shelburne Farm. It is a real working farm, but you can go up and there is stuff for kids to do. They can watch them shear sheep, try milking a cow, go on little hikes, pet goats, catch chickens, etc. It was really fun. We went with some of our new friends and we had a good time. I have a feeling we'll be visiting more often.

Ana and her new friend Ethan waiting to milk the cow.


She was so excited for this. She loved it and she did it about 4 times. I tried it too. It actually felt a lot different than I thought it would.



Here is Jack running up a little hill by where we ate lunch. The hike was really short and easy, but was somewhat steep for the kids. Jack insisted on walking up the WHOLE way. Most of the time he wouldn't let me hold his hand. Right before we got out of the trees he said, "I'm tired mommy. I want to go back down." Instead he let me hold his hand the rest of the way.

The view at the top.


Jack's version of petting the animals:

Ana loved looking for eggs in the chicken coop. She found two, and she let Ethan take her second one to the worker.
Of course she wanted to hold a chicken too.


I love farms!!!

bedtime

Sometimes as a parent I have moments when I say to myself, "Duh! Why didn't I think of that before."

I have never been a good "bedtime" parent. It stresses me out. Many nights its a battle. And its been going on a long time. Lets discuss a timeline:

May 2008: When Ana was about 21 months old she figured out how to climb out of her crib. At the time I was 8 months pregnant with Jack and we were living at Dave's parents house. So I rocked her or sat by her until she fell asleep. Sometimes it took about an hour.

October 2008: We had a two bedroom apartment. I really didn't want Ana to wake up a sleeping baby. But she wouldn't stay in bed. So I usually laid down next to her on my bed until she fell asleep.

July 2009: I decided its time the kids can go to sleep at the same time. So I initiated a routine and figured if we stuck to the same thing every night, eventually they would just quietly lay in their beds and drift peacefully off to sleep in a matter of minutes after sending them to bed. This mentality has left me with a year of wanting to pull my hair out every bedtime. Ana would either come out a bunch of times or she would just talk and play with toys for about an hour. This was frustrating. Many times it would end with one of us laying next to Ana in our bed.

April 2010: Jack started sleeping in a big boy bed. Now both of them were climbing out of bed and playing and laughing and coming out of their beds.

All of this time I kept thinking to myself, "We are doing the same routine. Eventually it will get better." Then one day my sister said to me, "Erin, you can't keep doing to same thing and expect different results. Something isn't working."

Duh.

By that point, I knew that everything would get crazy when we moved so I didn't really worry about it. But I knew that once we moved something would change. I just didn't know what.

This last week that change(s) came to us so easily its almost comical.

We turned off the light.

Duh.

I've always had this mystic idea that if I keep a small lamp on in their room that they would sit quietly on their beds looking at books until they drifted peacefully off to sleep.

Yeah, right.

I also decided/realized this week that its going to take an hour to get to kids to sleep no matter what. I could either make it a peaceful time and spend time laying next to kids and helping them calm down for a while and be happy about it, or I could get angry with them and make it a horrible experience. I decided to make it a happy time.

Duh.

Besides, this way I get to read a book for a while in the hallway while I wait for them to fall asleep. And who doesn't love a little quiet reading time?

So far, its been working quite well. Tonight it took the kids about 15 minutes - without me in there - to fall asleep.

I think its finally working.

(Knock on wood.)

vermont tourists

Before Dave becomes a full-blown student and real life begins, we're spending this week being tourists around the area. Tuesday we went to the Ben and Jerry's factory and Stowe, Vermont. It was fun.

This was in the flavor graveyard at B&Js. This headstone was our favorite. (read it, its funny.)


On the way home we stopped at an apple cider mill that had really good cider, donuts and jam. Yummy. I want some more, actually. (Look, its an Apple Jack. haha)


This was our view on our drive. Gorgeous!!!

Today we went to the Vermont Teddy Bear Company factory tour. This is something that Ana has been really excited about since she heard about it. She's been asking us every day to go so today we went. It was basically just a 30 minute sales pitch for the bears - which are really expensive, but are all hand stitched and have a lifetime warranty and stuff. Ana had fun.




After we got home our house was so hot that Dave wanted to go someplace with air conditioning, so we went to the library. Across the street was this old cemetery (est. 1793). The fence was open so we took a stroll.


There were tons of broken and completely faded headstones. This was the oldest one we found. It says, "Homer, son of Arthur and Urena Knowles. died March 18, 1796. age 4 years and 6 months."

Its really cool to live in a place with so much history.

Tomorrow we plan on hitting the Lake Champlain beach. Someday I'll finish getting all of the boxes unpacked.

one week down

I would love to report that after one week in the great state of Vermont we have traipsed all about taking pictures of the beautiful scenery that surrounds us here.

It is beautiful and everything is green and lush. Driving up the state last Monday I thought that this must be what heaven looks like - rolling hills, fields of green with big red barns, lakes and streams cutting through meadows of flowers, and quaint white churches dotting the countryside.

Unfortunately, organizing a home while trying to keep two very shaken up kids happy has kept us from too many adventures in our first week. And it seems as if rain will keep us in this week. Mostly we have visited Costco (where I got contacts!), WalMart (which is the only one in the state of Vermont, isn't that well supplied, and is hardly worth the 15 minute drive) and Lowes (which is conveniently located about 2 minutes from our house). We did purchase 3 microwaves in a 24 hour period, though, which was an adventure. (One at WalMart, a cheaper one at Target that didn't work, and then the perfect one on sale at Lowes.)

But still we have managed to see a few things.

One of the first stops was the "Big Boat" since for Ana, that was the selling point of Vermont. We took the ferry across the Lake to Plattsburgh, NY where there happens to be a Target. With the Ferry ride and the drive it takes about an hour and costs $25 bucks to get there, so we won't be frequenting Plattsburgh, but the kids loved to boat ride.


Today we ventured into downtown Burlington where Dave did a couple things on campus and then to historic "Church Street Marketplace." It is a long street with a beautiful old church at one end and it is lined with stores, is a brick roadway and is just for pedestrians. It was fun except it was a lot of walking, the kids were tired and hungry and I didn't bring a stroller. I hope to be more prepared next time. It was good to see a bit of downtown. Somehow the only time I took a picture was when we were waiting for our lunch. Dave played a daffy duck cartoon on his iPod for the kids. (I love technology.)


This afternoon brought very heavy, warm rain. It made me want to buy rain boots and coats for the kids so we can play in it. (This is our backdoor view, by the way.)



We also have eaten dinner with a few families from the ward. We are excited to get to know people so soon. We are so glad we are here!