the long haul

Dave and I celebrated 11 years of marriage this week.

11 years.

For whatever reason, 11 seems like so much longer than 10.  I can't quite pinpoint why. I guess 10 felt like this big milestone, but 11 feels like ... the long haul.

We are in this thing called life and we are trucking along and some days it feels long and tiring and some days it feels fleeting and joyful. It feels a lot longer and more tiring when we are apart, though. So I guess we've got that going for us.

We were married about 8 months after we met, 5 months after we started dating, and were engaged for only 2 1/2 months. As we were lying in bed the other night I made the comment, "We really didn't know each other very well."

"We knew enough," he said.

It's true.  I knew he was good and kind and smart and that was enough.  There were lots of things I didn't know, and maybe that I still don't know. So much of who we are comes out through the stresses of life and there is no way to really know someone until you go through hard things together. Through it all, he is good and kind and smart. He is steady. Always steady. How much I have leaned on that steadiness!

We have one more year of residency. Part of me is already "trunky." I'm itching to sign a contract and find a house and to finally KNOW (ha!) what the future holds.  But this week, I feel more reluctant. For 11 years we have talked about the "someday" of having a real job. And now its only a year away. And the last 2 years have gone by so fast and I feel like time is speeding up and when this year ends I'll have a middle-schooler and decisions to make and loans to pay back and we will be living what we were always waiting for. And then what?

 The long haul. We are in it. Time passes. It's both wonderful and frightening at the same time. I sure am glad I have Dave along for the ride. It's better with him around.

my family is a decade old

10 years of marriage
4 kids
7 years of school ( 3 diplomas)
4 major moves (8 different houses and thousands of miles)
3 surgeries (4 if you count Ana's teeth)

May 2005

When I met Dave I had no idea where it was going to lead. In fact, up until just before we started dating I had decided I wanted to serve a mission. I was ready to get my papers started so I could go as soon as I turned 21. After we started dating I still really wanted to go, but it just felt right and good and happy when we were together. We got married 4 weeks before my 21st birthday.

It has been a happy 10 years. Of course, there have been hard times. Times when money has been really tight and things have been stressful. Times when we drove each other crazy.  But overall, and perhaps because of those things, we have been happy. We haven't had many grand adventures. No excursions to other countries or anything like that. Our traveling has consisted of mini trips to places not far from home and a big move across the country for a few years.  Our adventures have been in studying science textbooks and chasing little feet. The last 10 years have been quite ordinary.

I am okay with ordinary. It is a wonderful, happy place to be. And I am so very, very grateful that we have had each other the last 10 years. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with me like he does. And I know he feels the same. We suit each other quite well. That doesn't mean we always agree. We have different ways of doing things. But we accept each other. He has never asked "what have you done all day?" when he comes home to a messy house. He doesn't think twice of holding down the fort for things like sister's weekends or even just a night out with girlfriends. He supports me in whatever endeavor I attempt and always tells me how smart and capable he thinks I am. He helps me to see when I am raising my voice because a lot of times I don't even realize I am doing it, I just get worked up or excited and it just happens. I don't always appreciate it in the moment, but I think I am getting better and a lot of that is because of him. And he is such a good, humble, faithful man. There have been so many times when people have told me how much it has meant to them when he has taken time to stop and visit with people or check in on them.  I am so very grateful for that quality.

2004

Engagement Photo: 2005

"studying" 2005

Wedding day 2005

Family Reunion 2005

Having kids definitely changed our relationship, but it has made it better. One of the things I love about him so much is how he is as a father. 

+ Ana 2006

+ Jack 2008

Dave is very good at making sure we take time just for us.  Almost every night seems like a mini "date." We talk about the day, watch TV or a movie, eat snacks and just be close and together. 

A little getaway to northern Idaho - summer 2009

+ Katie 2011

2011

+Charlie 2015

On Coronado, Spring Break 2015

We didn't have much of a celebration. Most years we go out to eat someplace nice but with Dave's schedule it hasn't happened yet. Dave worked today and I took the kids to church. I did make some yummy cake and then we sang happy birthday to our family. I like this idea because it helps the kids to see why this day is important.

 

10th anniversary selfie!

Here's to the next 10 years. I wonder what it will have in store.

happy anniversary to us!

Photo by Heather Dahle

Dave and I have been married 7 years today!

That qualifies me as a marriage expert, I'd say.

No, not really. But since half of all marriages end in the first 7 years, it is somewhat of a landmark. Either way, over the last 7 years I've learned a thing or two about marriage. So I thought I would write them down. We'll call them my "rules."

7 Rules of Marriage:

1. Use discretion when sharing problems.

This was one of the first pieces of advice I got. In fact, I came into marriage feeling very strongly that this was something we needed to do. Perhaps it is because of my "heart on my sleeve" tendency that I felt like I needed to watch myself in this particular aspect of marriage.

The fact is, problems happen. As spouses, we don't always get along. Some things annoy us. Some things hurt us. But that does not mean everyone needs to know about it. In fact, usually NO ONE needs to know about it. Because when we have kissed and made up and I have moved on, other people do not. My relationship with Dave is between me and him and God. Of course, occasionally it helps to discuss little matters with a trusted sister or friend. It helps to know that things that bother me are usually just attributes of men in general and not Dave specifically. But I use discretion.

2. It is better to say "Yes!"

I have learned, that most of the time, it is better to say yes. When Dave makes a request, I try to find reasons to do it, and to be enthusiastic. Sometimes this is easier than at other times. But Dave is much more spontaneous than I am, and when I say yes, I rarely regret it. And it brings some great memories.

3. Be Loyal to each other.

Stand up for your spouse. Don't say something about them unless you would say it in front of them. Talk positively to others about him and think positive things about him. Along with this, I would say to respect their wishes, even when they are not around. Don't brush off their feelings. If it is important to them, it should be important to you.

4. Don't let the "d" word enter the equation.

Divorce is not an option. We made sacred covenants to love and care for each other. We are both doing our best to be faithful and loving. Everyone makes mistakes. We are committed and we both work to resolve issues because we are in it for the LONG HAUL (i.e. eternity).

5. Take time to connect.

For some people this means weekly dates. For us it means, often, sitting on the couch next to each other. Telling each other about our day. Calling throughout the day just to say hi. It makes a difference.

6. Be happy to see each other.

When I smile at Dave when he gets home, even (especially) when I don't feel like smiling, the evening goes much better. Besides, no matter how bad my day has been, I really am GLAD he is home.

7. "How can I help?" are magic words.

I like knowing that I am doing what I can to make Dave's life easier. So if that means picking up his socks and fixing dinner, then I am going to do it. Service in the home is the most important service we can do.



I am not a perfect spouse. I am still learning lots of things. Perhaps another 7 years will change some of these rules. Either way, I am so glad I am married to this man. These 7 years have been wonderful.