on having the fourth

I survived the first week with Dave back to work. Hooray!

I have been so nervous about having 4 kids. There were so many times leading up to Charlie's birth that I thought, "I am so far out of control as it is. Why am I having another child?"

Luckily, or more accurately, Providentially, Charlie is such a good baby. He is pretty calm and not hardly fussy. He sleeps great at night-only waking up to eat and goes right back to sleep. He has a pretty regular schedule of wake and sleep times during the day and he is pretty content lying on the floor, or swinging, or even being carried around by his biggest sister who dotes on him like no other. I feel good and am amazed at my energy-especially considering my complete lack of it my entire pregnancy.

Not to mention that we have been so well taken care of by our friends and neighbors. I do not think it is coincidental. God is aware of us and takes care of us.

The other kids have been adjusting well. I don't feel like we are having any behavior problems that have arisen. Of course, we definitely have our issues, but they don't seem to have been affected by the baby. He is just absolutely loved and adored by his 3 older siblings. Ana dotes. Jack beams. Katie smiles and loves, and mostly leaves him alone.

My mother - with her 9 children- often has said that after 3 kids, adding 1 more was no big deal. That going from 2 to 3 was the most difficult transition. Then I had Katie and with Ana in school and Jack being such a mellow 3 year old and adding Katie was no big deal. Then I was expecting #4 and suddenly I was hearing from so many people (including Jim Gaffigan) that 4 was the hardest.

But at the risk of sounding like a know-it-all mom, which I most definitely am not, I am going to say that having 1 child is the hardest.

Maybe it is because of who my #1 child is. And maybe it is because my kids are more spaced out than me and my siblings are, (after all, when my parents had #3, they had a 3.5 year old and a not-quite 2 year old. Yikes.) but having 1 baby is hard.

I was talking to a new mother the other day who is struggling feeling back to normal after having her first a few months ago. As we talked, she said something that really, to me, sums up having that first kid. She said that her confidence had been rocked because she feels like she has no idea what she is doing.

THAT is what makes motherhood so hard. We are all just fumbling along, wondering if what we are doing is "right." When we have that first baby, we go from confident and independent to being needed all the time by someone who can't communicate what it needs, only that it needs something. We struggle to figure out nursing and when to take a shower. We wonder if we should work or not or let them fuss or not or if what we are eating is making them gassy. And the thing is, even the most experienced mothers can only help so much because ultimately WE are the one with the God-given stewardship over this body and Spirit.

And in a lot of ways that confidence-shaking aspect never really goes away. Because now I have an 8 year old who is dealing with school struggles and a 6 year old who hesitates to try anything new or uncomfortable and a 3 year old who is full of energy and there are so many days that I think "I have no idea what I am doing."

Yet here I am with 4 kids. And I have found my groove in some ways. I have my way of doing things that may not look like my mother's way or my sisters' ways, or anybody else.  Newborns fill the house with a sense of Heaven and peace. It is a joy to watch the kids learn and grow. Katie says ridiculously funny things. Ana and Jack are learning and growing and there is nothing better than watching them develop. I am not here to say that it isn't hard. From the first to the last, each child brings immeasurable worry and immeasurable joy.

So it's okay if you are struggling with your 1 new baby or your toddler or whatever.  Just keep going. If life has seasons, this one is summer. The time when we work and sweat and the fruits of our labors seem far off. But Joy comes. Not every minute or every day even, but there is an overarching feeling over time that we are doing a great work.  The harvest will come and it will be sweet.

on sacrifices

I was sitting in my rocking chair, a sweet little newborn to my chest. He was dozing off and I was perusing the internet via phone. I came across an article - I can't find it now - that struck a chord with me. The gist of it was this: A woman shouldn't have to sacrifice her career to have a baby. The author noted the plight of the American woman in the workplace, including high cost of child care, inadequate maternity leave, and the tendency of women to hold back from promotions or other job opportunities because of family life.

Let me be clear on one thing before I begin: I absolutely believe that women and men should be treated fairly in the workplace. I believe in equal pay for equal work/experience and that people shouldn't be discriminated against simply because of their gender.  Also, I realize single mothers don't have an option of staying home and the cost of child care and other struggles can be especially debilitating in these situations. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

But let's get one thing straight:

Having a family requires sacrifices.

It just does. When you choose to bring a child into this world, you are choosing to sacrifice. For 9 months a woman gives up her body to house another living soul. After birth, a mother sacrifices sleep and time to keep this little thing nourished.  Every step of the way, we give things up. Late nights with friends are traded in for early bedtime. Fancy dinner dates are traded in for happy meals. Instead of buying new shoes for ourselves we are paying for piano lessons. The list goes on. And yes, our careers take a hit as well. Some of us choose to stay home instead of capitalizing on these prime career years. Some choose to work, but are passed up for promotions because of the time commitment. We all make sacrifices.

(Fathers make sacrifices too. A lot of dads pass up promotions so they don't have to move their families, or choose a career based on whether they can live close to grandparents. They, too, leave work early to attend concerts and basketball games. If a woman feels slighted because the bulk of the child-care responsibilities is falling on her shoulders, perhaps she should look no further than her husband, and figure out a solution that works for both of them.)

Anything worth having is worth sacrificing for. We give up time and money for an education. We go without stuff we want now for things we want in the future - like saving for a new car or a down payment on a house.

And nothing - no career aspirations or fancy cars or prestige - even comes close to this:

This is joy. Real, true, lasting joy. The kind of joy that is seeded in sacrifice and vulnerability and, above all, love and connection. To be a part of something bigger than yourself.

It is worth the sacrifice.