when did I become "mom"?

The other day I was walking out to the car holding Ana's hand and I had moment where everything seemed so strange. Sometimes I can't believe that I am a mother. Though in a lot of ways I am very far removed from the flighty, boy crazy 17 year old I used to be, in some ways I feel exactly the same. Like life hasn't really happened and nothing's really changed. But life has happened and everything has changed.

Ana has become such a little person. She says such funny/interesting/observant/precious/not-so-precious things like:

"Its starting to get dark outside. I need to go tell the boys [her cousins that live downstairs]"
"This sucks" (which I don't really approve of and realize I need to watch my language)
"Mom, this is not a good idea."
"Daddy, you are my cutie girl."
"I'm 5 now! I can go so school!"
"I love you, Mama."
"Its summer now [When she looked outside and saw the blue sky], I can wear my new clothes!"
"Hi, buddy-boy" (referring to Jack).
That's..."terrible" or "amazing" or "beautiful"
"Mama, I have a question."
"I don't like you."
She says "but" all the time, like: "I'm tired, but I'm not tired." or "But, I really want to."
"Mom, I don't want to be supervised." (She said this because she heard me ask Dave to go in the bathroom to supervise her because she kept wanting to jump off the edge of the tub into the bathtub. She has said "supervise" several times today.)
Right now she said, "Mom, I really, really, really .... [about 10 more times] want my friends to come over."

She played outside all by herself the other day. I watched from our balcony. She's not really a toddler anymore: she's a little girl.


Jack still has thrush. I'm going to keep trying with the Gentian Violet through the weekend, then take him to the doctor. I've been wanting to get a picture of his mouthful of teeth. Here they are. He got the bottom two first, about 3 months ago. Then for about 6 weeks he was fussy as he got the top four from right to left. That's right, he got his fang first!
I still can't believe that I'm responsible for these little people. They are my whole life, and I love them so much.

late nights

This week I've tried to be more "unplugged." I have scrubbed my kitchen and bathroom and cleaned and organized my front room. It feels really good to be more productive. I've still been checking blogs, but I haven't spent nearly as much time on the computer as usual and Ana hasn't been watching as much TV. Its been really nice.

At night, after the kids are in bed, Dave and I started watching Season 1 of 24. (We like to start at the beginning.) Last night we finished. I am an emotional wreck today. Not only did we stay up WAY too late, (for the past 3 nights) but I was so emotionally involved in everything that I cannot get it out of my mind and I can't focus on anything. All I can think about is the how it ended totally different than I thought and I still can't believe it.

Whenever Dave and I watch something that's really intense, about half way through I almost always say, "I just want to know how it ends." I get so wound up in the drama that there comes a point when its so exhausting I can barely stand it. He says "no" of course, and I sit in agony while he enjoys the ride. If I would have known how this season ended, I wouldn't be in this state.

The show is really good. I'd recommend it.

an open journal entry

A lot of things have been going through my head the last few days. After hearing nothing for a week from University of Washington, Dave called on Friday and found out that he has not been accepted. As that was our last chance for the 2009 entering class, we were disappointed. Interestingly enough, it wasn't as much of a blow as the University of Utah rejection we got a while ago. Maybe we were expecting it somehow. Mostly, Dave's anxiety over the whole process has been replaced with hope as he begins again to apply for Fall 2010. There are definitely some things we'll do differently. Now we get to decided if we are going to stay here or move someplace else. It looks like we'll stick around, though. I kind of look forward to another year of "normal" life and we plan on doing lots of fun stuff this summer.

The weather has been beautiful the last few days. Yesterday Dave and I took the kids to Grandma's house and stole an hour to play tennis at the park. It was really fun! We're about evenly matched, though Dave, of course, won. Ana has spent more time outside and it has made her one happy girl. Today we got 2 inches of snow, but that's beside the point.

After 24 hours of attempted weaning, I'm back to nursing Jack. He was so sad Thursday night that it brought me to tears and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I have cut back on nursing, though, and I stopped nursing him when he wakes up at night. His thrush seems to be doing better, and he hasn't bit me since last week.

We've set some goals for ourselves and for our family, and I really feel a sense of hope and excitement about the future. I've written a spring cleaning list for myself this coming week, and I'm anxious to get the house in order. I'm also thinking about going "unplugged" this week to cut back on computer time for me and TV time for Ana. We'll see.

That's about all for tonight. Have a great week!

on weaning and pink lemonade (in that order)

I love this little boy. He is the light of my life. And he loves his mama! Today I feel like I'm breaking his heart.
I love nursing my babies. I really believe it is the best thing for them and for mom. I love that my body makes everything that they need for the first days on earth. I love the quiet time rocking my nursing baby, resting my head back on my chair and dozing off. Or watching him as he drifts from suckling to sleep and then back to suckling. It is wonderful and precious to me.

Jack really loves his nursing time. In fact, he wants to nurse a lot more than Ana did at this age, and probably more than most 9 month old babies. Many times he won't eat or sleep or stop crying until I nurse him. He doesn't take a bottle. But now he has thrush. Which means that we will keep basing the yeast back and forth between us and it won't go away until its treated. It also makes it quite painful to nurse him. I've been wondering what to do. Is it worth the treatment or should I just wean him cold turkey to a bottle? Then last night, in the midst of an already painful nursing session, he bit down with his little mouthful of teeth - hard. I screamed. I bled. I cried. I put him in his bed to fuss himself to sleep and said, "it is time to be done nursing." About 2:00 he woke up for his usual nurse-back-to-sleep session and I didn't do it. I walked the floors with him til he drifted back off. He woke up another time, but only fussed for a few minutes. I did not give in and nurse him.

He looks so sad this morning. Its like he knows he's losing something. I got him to drink a bottle of juice and eat some yogurt this morning. He won't drink formula but just looks at me with this sad face. Its breaking my heart. But I don't know what else to do.


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Yesterday was a wonderfully warm spring day. I went for a bike ride. I felt happy and great! So, I figured it was a good time to mention my award.

Last week, Shaela awarded me with me for a "happy blog" award. Yay!

When life gives you lemons... make PINK lemonade!

This award is given to those whose blogs are happy and positive and filled with hope -

Thanks Shaela. I will cherish it always.

Now I must spread the sunshine to other "happy blogs"

Haylee: I met Haylee when our husbands were "co-presidents" of a society up at BYU-Idaho. She is so sweet and her little boy is adorable. Her blog just sounds happy.

Kayla (sorry its private): I met Kayla in NY and she always had a smile on her face. Her blog does too.

Its so fun to be a part of all these great people's lives!

mondays

So, last week was a little crazy. Sunday thru Tuesday I was in Pocatello visiting family. Dave went to SLC on Tuesday to shadow a doc. Wednesday morning I did laundry and re-packed our bags. That afternoon we went to Boise. Dave flew to Seattle, and I stayed with a sis. Yesterday was a crazy day with Dave and I participating in another ward Sacrament meeting and choir practice. This morning we're all sick, sick, sick. I still haven't completely unpacked yet, and I have a sink full of dishes that I didn't have the energy to do last night.

Dave's interview went pretty well. He's not sure if it went well enough though. There were some unexpected questions. I thought he handled it pretty well, but it all depends on what they were looking for. If he gets accepted, we'll hear from them today or tomorrow. If not, then we'll figure out what to do next.

Ana is helping me stay optomistic. She said to me this morning: "Mama, I don't feel good. But I'm getting better." I love this little girl!

tied in knots

I'm in Boise. Dave flew to Seattle last night and is in his medical school interview orientation RIGHT NOW. I am so nervous and excited and hopeful and worried and everything else for him. He seemed really calm when I talked to him a while ago, but I am nervous enough for the both of us. I know it is in the Lord's hands. We did everything we could do and felt good about taking this path and if we get in or not it is the Lord's will, but I am still so tied in knots. His interview is at 2 (pacific time) and I am so anxious for it to be over with.  He is so smart and compassionate and friendly and calm and capable and wonderful. I know he'll make a good doctor. Let's hope the interviewers see all of that in him!

a smile and a song

Music has always been a very integral part of my life. I know I've mentioned this before. I've been singing since I was little, and I can play the piano (not exceptionally well, but well enough.) At one point, I tried teaching myself the flute, but I got too busy in other things. (My sister picked it up after me and is quite good now.) I played the drums occasionally for my high school choir, and at one point could claim that I could play the guitar. (I don't claim that anymore, really.)

I really believe that music is such a powerful force. The melodies, the words, and the feeling of a song stays with us longer than anything else. The other day I started listening to a song that I hadn't heard in years and I remembered every word.

Dave also is very musical, but in a very different way. His taste in music is very different from mine, and he likes music for very different reasons. (I like the sentimentality of country music. He doesn't really like country.) He has a naturally nice tenor voice, but has very little vocal training. He has very natural rhythm. He plays the guitar quite well, and played the drums a lot in high school. He is a natural at strumming and picking difficult rhythms on the guitar, and he can hear and keep up with difficult drum beats.

I guess its only natural that Ana would take to music so much. A few months back, I made her a guitar. It still sits in our music corner and gets played with, and it is trashed. A month or so later, I made her a violin. She loves it. It is definitely her best used toy. She plays with it for hours every day (not at once, but cumulatively). She can recognize the sound of a violin (and a piano and a guitar) when she hears one. About a week ago, we were downstairs visiting at the house, and Dave's SIL was practicing a musical number with a violinist. Ana insisted on getting her violin and she stood right by her and pretended to play through the whole song. Everyday she wants to listen to the Suzuki violin music. When she "plays," she sings the rhythm to the violin part on that CD. I think we will be getting her a real violin, and start her in lessons, close to her birthday.

fillings

I got two fillings today. They were on different sides so he had to numb both sides. Uggh! Dave was laughing at me. For some reason, he didn't want to give me a kiss.

I can't imagine why:

ignore your teeth and they'll go away

** Two posts today. Check them both out. **

I went to the Dentist today. I won't admit how long its been since I've been since the last time I went. Its a little embarrassing. The hygienist said my teeth looked pretty good. My wisdom teeth are popping out, but as long as their not bothering me, its nothing to worry about. I have 2 cavities to get filled on Thursday.

I know a lot of people who like going to the dentist. Or at least don't mind much. I am not one of them.

I hate going to the dentist. Everything about it is unpleasant to me. That thing you have to put in your mouth for the x-ray makes me want to gag. The scraping sound echoing in my head is like nails on a chalkboard. That nasty polishing stuff that feels all fuzzy in my mouth. And what is with that suction thing. I hate it. And that is all before you get a filling.

My mom said to me, "I think its ranked right up there with a trip to the gyno."

I think I'd rather get a pap smear.

jack's first word

I can't be too sure, but I think Jack has said his first word: "Ana."

When he sees her in the morning, when she starts to bug him, anytime she comes into a room, he says her name. I know it could also be baby babbling, but it seems to be consistently used in reference to his big sister. And its no wonder: they love each other a lot.

Ana loves to play with Jack in their room, or in her cardtable house. He's not always up for it, but the other day they played together in their room for about 15 minutes. But then she started trying to feed him, and he didn't appreciate that.

Yesterday they were playing piano together. When Ana was a baby and I would put her up to the piano, she rarely pounded, but moved her fingers slowly on the keys. Jack pounds. He must be a boy.

One thing I never thought I'd say, "Don't paint on your brother's head."

I love being a mom!

Mashup

This is a mashup of a FOW song - "Traffic and weather" and a Depeche Mode song "Policy of Truth"

I thought it was pretty interesting.

Traffic And Truth