homage to 2015

The new year is upon us.

2015 was quite the year.

Here are the happy highlights:

January: Our little Charlie was born. I can't imagine life without him.

February: We stayed home, sanitized our hands, and snuggled our baby boy.

March/April: California trip to see our amazing friends.

May: Dave and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary! And I turned 31, which was a big deal for me because it was my golden birthday and I had looked forward to it ever since I was a little girl and heard about Golden Birthdays. (It's when you turn the age of your birth date.)

June: Jack had his golden birthday and finished up baseball.

July: We spent the entire month in Idaho.

August: We tried to squeeze in as much summer stuff as we could.

September: An amazing visit from our awesome Vermont family.

October: Amazing trip to Arches National Park. Also, Star Wars Halloween!

November: Hosting my first ever Thanksgiving with my lovely sisters. (Also, I read the last 3 Harry Potter books in 1 week. Don't judge.)

December: Awesome Christmas celebrations.

These are the happy things. Sandwiched in all of that was Dave working like crazy,  the big kids' constant bickering, a lot of raised voices, and  Charlie getting 3 ear infections and learning how to get into everything.  And I went through a grumpy phase. (I think it was caused by, among other things, all the turmoil and angst I saw on social media that somehow seeped into my soul. ) (2015 was messed up on social media, amiright?)

I tried to stay focused on my goal to Reach Out. One thing I incorporated this year was reading that theme in my scripture study as well. It was so enlightening to me. There were times when I was really diligent about serving others and times when I wasn't. I will say this, it saved my sanity this year. The times when I focused on service were the much happier times in my year. I felt good. I felt productive and proactive. I felt like I was making a difference. In the busy-ness of the end of the year it seemed to fall by the wayside and I felt a difference.

And now I look forward. My love for New Year's resolutions is well-documented. It feels like a clean slate and fresh start. And I feel really good about my theme this year. But that will have to be for another day. Because it's midnight and tomorrow is back to the grind.

Here's to a New Year!

christmas

Sometimes I fall into the trap that if I don't take a picture then I can't document it. Because who wants to trudge through my wordiness without the reward of my cute kids' faces.

But I don't take too many pictures lately and Christmas was no different. I took, like, 2 pictures. And you are about to see them.

But it was a fabulous week. First of all, my youngest sister invited me to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert and it was fabulous. It made me happy being there and I was glad her 3 other friends couldn't make it.

Dave had 4 days off and it was lovely.  There were lots of tickle fights and laughs and cuddles and movies and treats and much more. Ana got a kindle, which she was not expecting at all. Jack got a Lego set he's been eyeing for MONTHS. (The Lego City Space port) Katie got new additions to her dress up collection and a bike basket and Charlie got overwhelmed by everything. (And a ball.)

This was the only picture I took of the day. This is Katie with her new blanket from Grandma. She loves it.

Dave got me some paints and Ana and I have been having fun!

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While the holidays are always filled with laughter and fun, I tried to focus our family on the reason we celebrate Christmas, Jesus Christ's birth and life. We read scriptures and stories often to remind us of that reason. There was one night during family prayer when Jack asked that we remember Jesus during Christmas. I felt the Spirit during that moment and was so grateful that perhaps a little bit was sinking in.

It was a happy Christmas.

a reflection

I sent this picture to a sister on Sunday. I still need words of affirmation sometimes. Especially when in comes to clothes.

Back in June I wrote about my goal for this decade of my life called "my 30s." I wrote about how I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin and to be more accepting of myself. I am here tonight (for it is 11 pm and the entire family is asleep and I feel the need to write a minute) to report on my progress.

*Right now there is a huge pile of shoes sitting right next to the designated "shoe boxes" by my front entryway. Someone must have been looking for shoes before we rushed out the door to the kids' school this evening. They were having a movie night tonight and the kids wanted to go so we did even though once we were there and the room filled to the brim with children I started to worry a little bit about germs so I put a blanket over Charlie's carseat and hoped he stayed asleep because we were so packed there was no way I would be able to nurse comfortably. (He did sleep, thank goodness.) There is also a pampers-box-turned-rocket-ship, and other random items strewn about the room. My kitchen sink has dishes from after-school snacks and our quick dinner, but all the pots and pans are clean and the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and I got all the laundry folded and into their respective rooms. Plus I attended a Gospel study class, took Katie to the library and kept 4 children alive and happy. The rest can wait til tomorrow.

This was the movie event. You can see Ana in the background (bright yellow shirt.) I love watching her "make the rounds" at events.  She knows and loves everybody. Even the adults.

*I finally have stuff hanging on my living room wall. It took a while for me to figure out what I wanted. Pinterest, despite its bad wrap for making Mommies feel like they are not good enough and the many Pinterest fail blogs, has helped me to "see" my style. Just by pinning stuff that I like, I can look at a board and say: Oh, so that's my style. I like things that mean something to me personally, not just stuff that looks good. I like things that we have gathered, or pictures we have taken, or my children's artwork on display. I like bright colors. I like mismatched chairs around the dining room table and lots of colorful throw pillows and asymmetry. I like random. This has extended to my personal clothing style too. I like long necklaces and bright colors and funky, colorful shoes.  Pinterest helped me to see that.

*I am an aspen tree. I am light and airy and need connectivity and a network in order to thrive. I am a social being and I have to allow myself time to make connections. Real, human connections. And while I sometimes let social media try to fill the void, it usually does the opposite. I am learning to seek out real connections when I am feeling down and unmotivated instead of artificial ones.

*I am a Mary. I always think that in the hour and a half I have while Katie is at preschool that I am going to be super productive and get a bunch of stuff checked off my list. Sometimes I am. Most of the time I read my scriptures and write in my journal for a good portion of it. I get less "done" but I feel so much better. I have had some powerful spiritual insights the last couple weeks as I have done so.

*I am a good-enough-ist (in contrast to a perfectionist.) I heard once the saying "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing just barely." That resonates with me. My housework gets done, but sometimes, just barely. It is still worth doing. Our family nights are not perfect, and sometimes a little thrown together, but it is still worth doing.   I am not saying that I am complacent.  Complacency leaves us empty. But as Mary Poppins says: Enough is as good as a feast.


This is what I have discovered about myself over the last 10 months as I have been on this road to self-discovery and acceptance. I am not saying that these are the only or best ways to be. These are MY ways of being. I am not perfect. I have goals I am working towards like reaching out more to others and running a couple races this summer and I am still working really hard at not raising my voice. (I have been working on that one for about 10 years.)

Look, I even went running. Charlie didn't seem to mind too much

Something interesting is happening too. I am getting better. Not only is accepting myself helping me feel better, it is actually helping me BE better. I am a better person. I am less judgmental towards others. I am warmer to my children. I am less stressed out. I am more charitable. It is becoming easier to stay calm, to forgive, to apologize, and to be patient.  The phrase "to love others you must first love yourself" isn't about being narcissistic. It is about knowing who we are and what we have to offer.

I am not all there. There are days that are full of self-doubt. But I am making progress. And that is enough.

reach out

I have written a lot about our wonderful friends that we had in Vermont. Our friendships with them was almost instantaneous. We were all far away from our family, and we needed each other. We did family dinners and swapped kids for date nights and went to the park. We saw each other multiple times throughout the week. We borrowed milk and eggs from each other. We called each other when we went into labor, or hurt our back and couldn't move or needed to vent or laugh or cry. It was a unique experience and I knew nothing like that would happen again.

My absolute favorite picture of some of my absolute favorite people on earth. May 2013

It is different here. I love our ward and neighborhood and all the wonderful people I have met. They are wonderful people who love God and are willing to help anyone who needs it. We had people willing to come over and watch the kids (or have the kids over to their house) during Dave's whole kidney stone issue and I have a list of people willing to come over when I go into labor. Everyone is amazing, really.

However, because most of those around us were born and raised here and all of those needs are filled by their family. At least, that is how it seems. So, I have spent the last 6 months feeling mostly unneeded.  Not like in a "woe-is-me" kind of way. More like in a matter of fact way. I have just gone about doing my thing and letting myself be wrapped up in morning sickness and kid stuff and Dave's crazy work schedule. But I suspect that, like me, there are those - someone I see at church once a week or walking their dog around the neighborhood - that actually do need something from me.

So my resolution for the year 2015 is to REACH OUT.  I want to focus on lifting others up and seeing their needs.

Now, I realize that it might take some time to get traction on this resolution of mine. After all, we are about to have a baby and I imagine I will mostly be staying home for a few weeks. So perhaps my goal should be first, to SURVIVE. Then focus on reaching out.

I always set resolutions, but truthfully, don't always do well with them. Last year held a lot of changes for us and so it wasn't a great year for keeping resolutions. I only made it Leviticus in the Old Testament. (Partly because after we moved I started teaching a different class so I had that material to study.) Once morning sickness hit all hope for a routine went out the window.  And though I still get snappy with my kids, I think I am improving (very, very slowly) at speaking more kindly.  But, lest I think I am a failure, 2014 was a year for growing a baby, establishing a new home, and supporting Dave. In fact, I think in the last one I could say it has been the best. I don't think Dave and I have ever been more in sync with each other. Our marriage is absolutely stronger today than a year ago. I am so grateful for him every day and all he does for our family.

 I still believe what I said last year about resolutions. As long as we are working towards something, we aren't failing. It is always good to have a goal in mind. Something to look to and reach for and climb towards. Giving up because we think we can't do it or because we tried and failed keep us from seeing the best things that life has to offer. So even if I set that resolution to speak more kindly every single year for 10 years, change can still happen. Sometimes it is slow and almost imperceptible. But we are always changing as individuals. It is up to us to determine which direction that takes place.

january

I love January. After the celebrations of the Holidays, I love the chance to pack it all away and reflect on the goodness of God and the changes I want to make. ("The calm after the storm" as I recently heard it called.)

Last year was a roller coaster year - full of high highs and low lows. We had the excitement of matching in Salt Lake City and the sadness of seeing loved ones pass. Dave graduated from medical school and we left dear friends and wonderful Vermont behind. We have had the news of a new baby and Dave's kidney stone episode and much more. We miss our Vermont family dearly, and as we all spread out more and more I know it is the ending of a wonderful era of our lives. We will always look back on our time there with such fondness.  The year was an eternity and yet the blink of an eye.

We have tried the make the most of living close to family. We have traveled to Idaho for Thanksgiving and Grandma's Christmas Party/Dave's birthday and again for New Year's Eve. It has been so wonderful!

As per our tradition, we stayed home for Christmas. We played with Jack's new helicopter and read books and Ana painted and Katie flitted around the house and we all went sledding and played endless games of Uno.  I thought it might be weird doing dinner alone since we have done dinner with friends the past few years, but it ended up being really nice.

My favorite Christmas scenes:

New Jammies

Katie took her role as Mary so seriously. It was the most precious thing I have ever seen

Christmas!

Painting with her new art set

Love the new robe from Grandmas

Reading. I have learned since she got this book that she likes graphic novels. She has read it twice already.

Fresh Christmas snow. Hooray for a white Christmas.

This year hasn't been my best for writing. I haven't journaled or blogged much.  I want to keep doing it.  It requires stillness and forces reflection. It requires that I focus on the good (or at least the humor) in every situation. I don't want to be so consumed with busy-ness that I neglect my need for stillness and reflection. It seems a mother's day is a day of "hyper-vigilance" - managing crises and functioning in a state of urgency. Much of that comes with the job. Writing, reflecting, being still, and focusing on things that matter most often get pushed aside, to the detriment of everyone involved.

While I haven't officially made my list of resolutions, I know that they will involve more pro-action. More time to be still. More time to write down thoughts and ideas. More slowing down and simplifying.

The baby's room is ready, and so as long as he stays put until Dave is done working his night shift rotation, we will be alright.

Hello, 2015.