one change

Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life.

I like four seasons. By the time summer ends, I generally welcome the cooler weather, the color change, and eventually the falling snow. This year was no different. Fall was divine, and our white Christmas and snowman-building adventures did not disappoint.

Until February. Hell may very well be an endless northern February... or March.

And now we are a week into April and today may very well be one of the first nice days we've had in weeks. This spring as been slow-emerging to say the least. Even when the temperature crept into the 40s last month, it was too wet and slushy and melting snow-y to really do much outside. Now the only snow left is what had been piled from the roads, and today is promising to near 50 degrees.

This spring has not agreed with me. February gave me the grumps. I was frustrated with almost everything: my house, my children, my husband, my wardrobe, the snow - you name it, it annoyed me. Then we got a blizzard the first week in March, and it plunged me even further. My emotional self got the better of me, and I was a wreck. I didn't want to get out of bed. I yelled at the children. I just wanted to sit around and do nothing. It wasn't pretty. Then one night, after an emotional torrent, I was lying in bed wondering what was wrong with me. And I heard a voice.

It was my own voice from about 5 or 6 years ago. Back when I thought I had it all figured out. (Before motherhood stretched me in ways I never thought possible.) I had been talking to one of my sisters who had been struggling with life, and I had said to her (or thought to myself afterward), "Are you reading the scriptures and praying? Life is better when you do."

And that is what I heard myself say a month ago. And I realized, pathetically, that those things had been sketchy at best.

So I committed. I would stop trying to change everything at once, and just change one thing: read and pray every day.

The outcome:

*My children did NOT magically become more obedient.
*My house did NOT magically become cleaner and more organized.
*It continued to be cloudy and cold for weeks.
*And I am still in the annoying "maternity clothes are too big, regular clothes are too small" stage of pregnancy.

And yet:

*I feel better. I have been more patient, more willing to serve. I have more motivation to do housework. It is easier to smile. Life has been better.

And the only thing that changed was that one, essential thing.

Now I am ready to change one more thing.

commitment

I've been thinking about the New Year for a couple months now. I've thought a lot about my theme for last year to "Establish a House of Order." I think I did well for a while. I learned a lot of things. Like how it is just as easy to fold towels neatly in the cupboard as opposed to shoving them in there randomly. And how it is easier for kids to help clean up when everything has a place: like shoes, toys, and clothes. I still have not completely solved my clutter issues, but I am getting better. I think it was a good goal for me to have. It was a good year and time to focus on that.

I also discovered some things in the process. I have discovered some underlying issues that I have with my homemaking and personal habits, as well as my issues that continually come up in parenting. And with my New Year Theme, I plan to address them.

My theme for 2011 is a good one. I have studied and pondered and I really think I'm onto something that can be really great. I can see the benefits from changing my focus. I can see personal benefits and I can see how great it could be for my family, especially my children.

But I'm not going to tell you what it is. Not yet anyway.

The fact is, I am scared. I know how far I am from the goal I have in mind. I am afraid of the exertion - both physically and emotionally - it will take to change myself into the kind of person that I want to be. I am scared of committing myself to something that I'm not strong enough to do right now. I am afraid of looking back a year from now and feeling like I have failed. I am scared that my laziness will kick in and I'll stop trying and end up disappointing myself.

What I'm really saying is, I need more time. I need time to prepare myself, my home, my family to make a change. I can commit to that though, to the preparation, to the emotional training. A little more study and thought and prayer, and I think I'll be ready soon.