thoughts on parenting and God

*Both of my kids have nightly homework. My 4th grader, who has to work a little bit harder to understand certain concepts and to read fluently, is required to sit and finish her homework. Then I go over it for mistakes and she redoes the problem until she gets it right. I often will read the instructions to her out loud because it helps her understand what is being asked. I also have her read aloud to me several times per week. This isn't because she has made bad choices and I am punishing her (though sometimes she views it as such). It is simply because her circumstances require it. My 2nd grader, on the other hand, is different. The academic portion of school comes very easily for him, but as a little introvert that he is, I recognize the need for him to have more down time. I set the timer for 20 minutes and as long as he is working diligently, he can be done with his homework when it goes off. He reads every night too, but mostly to himself after he goes to bed. It may seem that I am partial to one child. It may seem that I am punishing one child for something that isn't her fault. But as the parent, I have a deeper understanding of the needs of my children, and I require different things because of it. That being said, the standard is the same: they must learn reading, writing and arithmetic. That won't change, even if my homework policy seems inconsistent.

*Charlie, after being a fabulous sleeper from day 1 and sleeping through the night for the first 6 months of his life, starting waking up 2-3 times a night and I had to nurse him back to sleep. So, we are having him cry-it-out at bedtime. Every few minutes we go in and check on him and comfort him. The first night it was torture. The 2nd was slightly better. But by last night (night #4) he fell asleep after only 15 minutes and slept all night long. Despite having 4 kids, this was a new experience for me. I let Ana cry in the night once and after that she slept all night. When I tried it with Jack he would scream so hard he threw up and I couldn't do it anymore. Katie was such a snuggly nurser that I got a lot of joy and satisfaction of nursing her to sleep and I brought her to my bed if she woke up in the night. It wasn't a big deal. Our particular circumstances allowed for that, so it worked. But with 4 kids and Dave gone a lot at bedtime, I simply can't spend 40 minutes nursing Charlie to sleep and anyway a lot of times he doesn't fall asleep nursing. Of course, I love all of my children the same. I don't love Katie more because I rocked her to sleep or love Charlie less because I don't. Different circumstances call for different actions. I love all my children.

*My kids love to watch this one channel on TV that has some ridiculous "as seen on TV" commercials. It is a kids' station, so all of the things are geared towards kids. They are always asking for the stuff. In fact, I think 95% of my interactions with my kids is them asking me to buy them junk. Of course, I don't just give in. They are harmless things, perhaps, but certainly giving them everything they want when they want it isn't the best way to raise them. Sometimes I will give them a treat at the store or let them earn a toy from the dollar store. But I certainly don't let them eat candy for breakfast or spend all day watching TV or let them hit each other, even if they say I'm mean and unfair and I must not love them.

*Being a parent has taught me so much about the way God works in our lives. He is, after all, our Heavenly Father. He is a father, first and foremost. He knows us. He knows our needs, as individuals and collectively. I don't pretend to be a perfect parent. I don't always act in the most Godlike ways and many times I question my own methods. But I do love my children in a way that is perhaps a shadow of the way God loves us. We don't always understand his methods. We may think his standards are too high. We may not think it is fair that we have to work so hard when others seem to have it easy. We probably cry in our beds and wonder where he is, when what he is doing is teaching us an essential lesson that will help us eternally. Are 95% of my interactions with God asking for things? Maybe even things that the world has packaged to look enticing or harmless or fun or even good, but that are not eternally good for us.

*These 3 scriptures have come to my mind a lot lately:

*Ephesians 4 :14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

 15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

*1 Nephi 11: 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

*Proverbs 3:  5 ¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

i love candy

I have a love-hate relationship with Halloween. I love dressing up. I love making my kids costumes. And I love, love candy. But I don't really love scary things. And I don't love having candy in the house. Well, I do, but I know I shouldn't eat Butterfingers for breakfast and that's what I end up doing. 

My favorite part is making the costumes. I honestly get a lot of creative satisfaction out of it. Late September, Ana came home declaring that she wanted to be Darth Vader for Halloween. Up until this point, Jack had wanted to be Mario, but we convinced him to instead be Luke Skywalker and all we had to do was tell Katie she was a princess and she was sold.

A few weeks ago we watched Star Wars: the original trilogy with the kids. They loved it! The entire movie, every time Princess Leia came on Katie said "There I am." Or whenever a storm trooper got shot she said, "You died, Mom." It was kind of hilarious.

Truthfully, Charlie wasn't thrilled about wearing a hat. Usually he pulled it off right away. But if I gave me a cracker or something right after I put it on, he sometimes forgot about it long enough to take a picture.

He also got to eat a sucker for the first time and this made him happy. (Remember how Ana didn't have a sucker until she was 18 months old and I didn't let anyone give her candy? I guess that's the difference between your first and your 4th kid.)

Star Wars was a popular theme at the elementary school parade this year. Jack's friend in his class was also Princess Leia.

Dave and I decided to join in the costumes too. Ana really wanted someone else on that dark side, so I went with a storm trooper and  Dave went as Obi-Wan Kenobi

I spent most of the day on Halloween finishing up costumes. Jack wanted to carve pumpkins. He finally got impatient enough that he did his all on his own. Then when Dave got home he helped the girls with theirs. And then I couldn't find our tea lights so I used birthday candles and they smelled funny. But, hey, at least we carved pumpkins. And I sort of love that Jack did his by himself. He traced his pattern, cut off the top, scooped out the guts and everything.

The kids made out like bandits. We have so much candy in our house. Seriously, its ridiculous. Ana keeps asking me if I will buy all hers for $50 so she can buy a Kindle. (Um... no.) She did save her Reese's Pieces and Almond Joys for me and her Reese's PB cups and other good stuff for Dave. Gotta love that generosity.

So another Halloween is in the books. Next year Jack says he will be Mario for sure and he wants Charlie to be Luigi. We'll see if he stays with it.

arches

Our computer has been broken. We have Dave's laptop, but I don't really love using it, so I only go on it when absolutely necessary. But Dave fixed the Mac for only 20 bucks and a couple hours of time so hooray for not having to get a new one! And it means I can get back to writing.

It has been a long few months. Dave had an easy rotation in July, which allowed us to be in Idaho for almost 4 whole weeks. But since we got back it has been one long week after another. 70-80 hour work weeks really wear on you. And the wife at home for that matter.

But last week was his vacation week and it happened to coincide with the kids having a 5 day weekend from school. So we took a trip down to Arches National Park. We have been wanting to go since we moved to Utah and it did not disappoint.

This picture was actually taken on our way out of the park. But its one of the few that has us all in it.

We camped in the park, but we got their after dark, so we had no idea what was surrounding us. We were not disappointed.

Our campsite at sunrise

We started off up at Devil's garden, where we hike for about 3 hours and saw and played around several arches. Ana was our photographer for our big camera.

Landscape arch

On the trail

The trail got a little steep but our kids rocked it and I was only terrified a couple of times.

Our kids' favorite part of the entire park was the sand. Oh the sand. It was awesome and annoying at the same time.

After Devil's garden we went back to our camp and ate lunch. Then we headed up to the Delicate Arch. The kids (Jack especially) couldn't wait to see "the" Arch. It's a 3-mile (round trip) hike up the side of a mountain. A lot of open slick rock. I was a little unsure of how the hike would go. There are viewpoints where you can see it, but we decided to try the hike.  I wouldn't exactly call it a kid-friendly hike. There were other kids, but not as young as Katie. There are steep drop-offs along the trail, particularly at the end. The arch itself is on the rim of a steep bowl. I was shaking I was so nervous. Not for myself, but for the kids. I was sure Jack would just start playing around and slide right down the mountain.

But man, was the arch stunning. I have seen hundreds of pictures of it, but I didn't realize how big and majestic it is.  It was amazing. It was definitely worth the terror.

See how tiny Dave and the kids are?

Are we taking a selfie under the arch, Dad?

I think of all the beautiful vistas and magnificent things we saw, my favorite thing about this day was watching the kids. They didn't complain. They didn't stop. They just kept going. We hiked a total of 6 miles that day and they walked it all. Katie, too. She didn't get carried for a minute (she did ask a few times near the end.) They played "freeze-unfreeze" down the mountain. Katie sang "the farmer in the dell" for a while.  Ana did about 89,784 handstands (give or take). Jack laid in the sand every opportunity he could. They all took turns carrying the water. We ate a ridiculous amount of dum-dums (which is how we get our kids to hike). And they did it! It was awesome to watch. Katie kept right up with the big kids the whole time. I was so proud of them. And they all slept soundly that night. Dave and I got to sit up by the campfire and look at the amazing stars.

Katie was the "freeze" captain. She always tried to freeze while Ana was in the air.

The next day we left the park, but not before exploring some more arches with much shorter and easier walks to them.

Sand Dune arch was one of our favorites. Tucked away between high vertical walls, and tons and tons of sand.

 

We went into Moab for lunch, and then went to Canyonlands National Park for the afternoon. (By the way, did you know 4th graders get into National Parks for free? Thanks, Ana!)

By this point, Charlie was kind of done. He was done not being able to get down and crawl around. He was done having irregular naps and meals. Canyonlands was amazing, though. it was perfect to go for just a couple hours.

Mesa Arch in Canyonlands

So. many. handstands.

 

And I think to myself: What a wonderful world.

ordinary day

Summer to me is childhood. Endless popsicles, playing outside, running through the sprinklers. Our summer felt fragmented. We had the before Idaho part, the Idaho part and the after Idaho part. And it didn't last long enough. We didn't eat nearly enough otter pops and didn't run through the sprinkler enough. Time marches on without asking me.

Yesterday was labor day. The kids were home from school and the weather was a bit cooler. Dave had to work so it was just me and the kids. This was my plan for the day: Go to Costco and Whole Foods (for apple cider) and then come home and make apple cider donuts.

This is how the day actually went: Went to Costco, but they were closed. Went to Whole Foods and the only cider they had was a half gallon of (really yummy) spiced cider that was 8 bucks. I bought it anyway.
I then put some cider on to boil (because the recipe called for boiled cider) and it made my kitchen smell heavenly. That is, until I left the kitchen to attend to a fussy baby and the cider burned black as black and started smoking and set off my smoke alarm. After getting that taken care of and putting more cider on to boil (and watching it closely) I finally got around to making the donuts. The dough was delicious, but having never made donuts before and not having a donut cutter or an oil thermometer, they ended up tasting more like fried dough from the fair than real donuts. Still good, but not quite right.

Meanwhile, the kids, who I told couldn't watch any TV because I would not let them squander their last day of summer, found some wood outside and tried to make a football field goal post.

By 5:00 my house looked like this:

(And believe me, it was clean when the day started. Dave's parents were here Saturday and Sunday so they can testify. I had actually spent most of last week cleaning house.)

But, despite the setbacks in the day, I was okay with it. Ordinary days are still happy days. The kids were creative and cooperative, which is really quite extraordinary. I think that is why I like summer so much. The kids are just free to explore and play. I wish I could just step on brakes and make time slow down.

katie at four

It's been four years since this little girl came into our life.  As I have thought about this birthday, I tried to remember what Ana and Jack were like at 4 and it was hard to remember. I am so glad that I was writing so diligently so that I could look back and read about it. I read that Ana at age 4 asked a million questions a day. I forgot about that. I have found a new resolve to write more things down and take more videos of my kids.

She has been loved and adored from day one. These preschool years are the best years ever. They are so full of life and confidence and energy and excitement. Katie is no exception. She feels everything and loves to be silly and play. She is very social - she won't do anything alone and she loves to hug and kiss and squish and climb on people's heads, and be carried everywhere. She gives me a run for my money sometimes and isn't a great sleeper.

This is her being mad because her crown had a bend in it.

 Man, she is fun though. She says hilarious things in hilarious ways. She is thoughtful and generous and loves to play. She is good at making friends and is starting to read and loves Wild Kratts and Daniel Tiger. She loves pink and dressing up and playing with Jack.

This is her asking if she looks like a lobster. Because, you know, the books are her claws. And one is bigger than the other. "This one is my pincher and this one is my grabber."

She lives for snuggles:

And is frequently seen in dress ups:

This was the birthday outfit Granny picked out because she wanted a purple sparkly dress.

But there is so much more to her than a list of things facts about her. I wish I could capture it. On her birthday, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said "I want to help people who can't walk get on and off escalators so they don't fall." (This was in reference to an incident when Dave helped a woman on an escalator.)  She often has a serious/concerned look on her face but it can turn to smiles in a minute. When she's upset she slumps her shoulders and cries and walks off, but she never stays mad for long. She gets nervous about some things like if she feels unstable or like she is going to be left alone, but if she feels comfortable then the sky is the limit. She is quick to apologize and give hugs when she does something wrong.  I want to remember the way she says "yes!"  with a fist when something goes her way and how she will say "you are the best mommy in the whole world" and how she asks me to sing "the bird song" at bedtime and when we get to the part that says "I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world" she opens her arms and looks up at the heavens.  I also want to remember how she says "Oh, yeah!" when she is excited about things and "woohoo!" as she flies high on a swing or goes fast on her bike. 

Mini-Golf

Dave's sister was over this morning and Katie was dressed up (as usual) in her leotard.  Amy asked her what she could do in her leotard and so Katie cleared a nice big space off the floor. Then she stood in the corner and started to run, but stopped and said, "Wait, I need to go talk to myself." Then she went to a corner and I could see that she was giving herself a little pep talk. ("Okay, you can do this!") A look of determination crossed her face. Then she stood back up in the same spot and started her trick again by running then doing a little half cartwheel. We have always called her our little cheerleader and I am so happy to see her cheering herself on as well. I hope she never, ever loses that confidence and determination. 

I also want to remember her sweet little spiritual side. She often talks about trying to listen to the Holy Ghost and remembers to say her prayers. She loves primary and singing primary songs and tries to be a peacemaker in our home. (Lest you think she is a total angel, she can be quite a pill during Sacrament Meeting and also family scripture study, so, there is a balance there.)

Katie truly is a light to everyone who sees her.

black watch

I love summer.

Our has been wonderfully low-key thus far. Jack turned 7 and finished up baseball. Ana did tennis lessons. The kids have eaten loads of otter pops, set up huge box forts in the backyard, played with neighbor friends. We visited my sister in Boise, too, and that was fun.

I have also tried to encourage a little bit more cooperation and help in the housework, so it hasn't been all fun and games. But mostly fun and games.

For the next few weeks, we will be spending time with my parents before they head to Arizona on their mission.  I love their stories.  Being young in my family and having a horrible memory, I don't remember much until my parents were well into their 40's, so it is a treasure to glimpse them when they were my age. They share little snippets at random times. Nothing formal, but still beautiful.

One story came as we were sorting through bins of fabric. Dresses with patterns pinned on, maybe even cut out. We came across a small piece of plaid fabric and my mom said, "Oh, I am not giving this away" and she handed it to my dad. To me it was just a scrap, so I asked them to tell me the story.

It was about 1975. That year Dad was away from home more than he was in it. He had a quick stop in Scotland, and wondered what he could bring home to Mom as a gift.  A friend suggested he bring her home something that she can sew. He picked out some real Scottish Black Watch Wool. He brought it home and she made a suit out of it. Though she hasn't worn it in years, it still hangs in her closet, and even the scraps still brings a smile on her face.

Just a small thread in a beautiful tapestry. 

an interview with Mom

 If ever you want to know how you are doing as a parent, just ask your kids! I asked my 3 big kids these questions and the answers were a little funny and a little insightful and all around good fun.

Trip to San Diego 2015

Katie - age 3 (and a half as she always says)

1. What is something mom always says to you? Go get your jammies on
2. What makes mom happy? giving her a hug
3. What makes mom sad? not giving her a hug
4. How does your mom make you laugh? doing silly things like dancing silly
5. What was your mom like as a child? drawing  (I don't think she quite understood this question.)
6. How old is your mom? 13
7. How tall is your mom? bigger than the measuring stick
8. What is her favorite thing to do? sort the laundry
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  .....
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  I don't know
11. What is your mom really good at? stretching
12. What is your mom not very good at? doing the splits
13. What does your mom do for a job? sort the laundry
14.What is your mom's favorite food? salad
15.What makes you proud of your mom? being excited (again, I don't think she quite understood this one.)
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? Peach
17. What do you and your mom do together? sort the laundry
18. How are you and your mom the same? we are both girls
19. How are you and your mom different? you're a grown up and I'm a kid
20. How do you know your mom loves you? because you give me hugs
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? kissing
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? wal-mart
23. How old was your Mom when you were born? uh, zero?

Jack - age 7 (as of tomorrow)

1. What is something mom always says to you? Please
2. What makes mom happy? playing with kids
3. What makes mom sad? I don't know
4. How does your mom make you laugh? by tickling me
5. What was your mom like as a child? playful
6. How old is your mom? 31
7. How tall is your mom? I have no idea
8. What is her favorite thing to do? play with kids
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? talk to Dad
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? singing
11. What is your mom really good at? singing
12. What is your mom not very good at? Uh, You're practically good at everything
13. What does your mom do for a job? helping kids grow
14.What is your mom's favorite food? pizza
15.What makes you proud of your mom? helping Charlie roll over
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? a person on TV
17. What do you and your mom do together? play games
18. How are you and your mom the same? we're both nice
19. How are you and your mom different? you're a grown up and I'm a kid
20. How do you know your mom loves you? she gives me hugs and kisses
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? that he's a doctor
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Out to dinner with Dad
23. How old was your Mom when you were born? I have no idea.... (after thinking for a minute) 26?

Ana - almost 9


1. What is something mom always says to you? Ana, Don't!
2. What makes mom happy? When I clean my room (which I never do)
3. What makes mom sad? When I don't clean my room
4. How does your mom make you laugh? When she makes Charlie laugh
5. What was your mom like as a child? obedient
6. How old is your mom? 31
7. How tall is your mom? I have no idea ... 4 foot 9 or 5 foot 9 (I am 5'3")
8. What is her favorite thing to do? I have no idea ... cook
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? watch TV with Daddy
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? singing or cooking
11. What is your mom really good at? cooking and singing
12. What is your mom not very good at? yelling quietly
13. What does your mom do for a job? babysit
14.What is your mom's favorite food? Pizza
15.What makes you proud of your mom? That she's good at singing and that she's good at cooking
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be? Jessie  (from that Disney show Jessie, because I was a nanny once. Hopefully that's the only reason.)
17. What do you and your mom do together? get Pedicures
18. How are you and your mom the same? That we look alike. But put in parentheses that I don't see it.
19. How are you and your mom different? She likes doing chores and I don't.
20. How do you know your mom loves you? She gives me hugs and kisses
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? That's he's cute and nice
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Home
23. How old was your Mom when you were born? 22

Trip to NYC 2012

Easter 2013

Fall drive 2011

I love my kids. They are the best.

keepin' it real

Coming home from work. photo credit: Katie

How Dave spends his days off.

veggin'

I am not generally one to complain about my lot in life. A lot of people warned me about how hard residency is on family life and for the most part we've been okay. Dave's kidney stone was a rough spot, but generally speaking, I feel like I have been coping just fine. In fact, I feel like it has been much better than I anticipated. (I won't speak for Dave, though.) I get into my groove and make plans and deal with things as they come.

But sometimes it just sucks.

Because for every long day he has, I have a long day too. I can't complain to him about it, because, let's face it, he will clock 80 hours this week.

Tonight was just hard. Jack had a baseball game for about 30 minutes until they decided it was raining too hard to keep playing. I came home and made a quick dinner but all anyone ate was tortilla chips. I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to get kids to help out a bit and then got Katie ready and tucked into bed and then waited and waited for Dave to get home so I could go to a meeting that started at 7, but I thought it started at 7:30 and then he finally walked in at 8 and I probably should have just stayed home but I didn't want to so I left and caught the tail end of it. I am glad I went but then when I got home the big kids still weren't in bed and dinner was still on the table and Katie was still awake because she is the worst go-to-bed-er in the world and I was super annoyed. But then I felt guilty for being annoyed because Dave worked freakin' 14 hours in one day and I read a book and took Katie to the zoo and ignored the mounds of clean clothes that need put away so who am I to complain? Katie finally settled down and I got the kids in bed and asleep just in time for Dave to fall asleep because he has to wake up at 5:30 to start all over again.
 
Sigh...

I don't want to be a Debby Downer. Life is good. It is so good. I am so glad Dave has a good job and is getting such excellent training. He is a fabulous dad and he is humble and intuitive and I could not have asked for a better spouse.

I just wanted to keep it real for a minute. 

The end. 

Close up picture of Charlie so we feel happy again. :)