catch-up

Hello, world. I have missed writing and remembering. There have been a million things going on in the last 4 months, but finally things have settled. We are in our new home. Dave put in the sprinkler system and sod and started work. He's really a doctor! I can hardly believe it. And yet, after the last 7  years, I can absolutely believe it.

Summer has been full of birthdays (Jack -9, Ana-11, Katie- 6), a wedding and a baptism, family and friend reunions, and a lot of driving. It has been wonderful and a little stressful and money-sucking and fun!

School starts in a week and a half and I am ready for a schedule and quiet but I'm not ready for fall.

Time flows and things change. I am grasping at sand as it flows between my fingers. I sometimes get a somewhat frantic feeling about it. Someone once told that the key is gratitude. And not just a "count your blessings" type of gratitude, but moments where you just look at your children and your life and feel gratitude and love for them. It helps. I am trying to look the children in the eye more often and see them and smile at them.

Jack turns 9

Jack digs a hole in our new yard

The view from our new neighbhorhood

Dave's last day of residency (with co-resident and friend Jacqui)

I really like our view

Ana turns 11

Harry Potter cake for our 11 year old girl

Vermont friend reunion in Utah

Eli Morey and Dave and John Hedges

Jessika Hedges, Sara Morey, Christy Clark and me.

Dave's first day of work at the clinic.

My parents and all my sisters at my niece's wedding.

Katie turns 6 at the family reunion

We are loving our new life in Idaho. Really and truly. It is so wonderful to finally be "settled." I will write more on this later.

a walk

Yesterday I took Charlie outside for a few minutes after lunch and before his nap. It had rained in the morning, but by lunch it was sunny and the weather warm. We began kicking the ball around with our dog, Ivy (did I mention on here that we got a dog?). Soon Charlie noticed that he could hear the garbage truck and we decided to leash to dog and go and look for it. We opened the fence and started walking up our street. Charlie's 2 year old pace was an exercise in self-control for our high energy mutt, but I didn't mind. He is particularly enamored right now with the multitude of firebugs that emerge during Utah's spring. He would stop and lay his tummy on the side-walk and watch them crawl around. He picked dandelions and tiny grape hyacinths that grow in the grass. He picked up sticks, which reminded me so much of his older brother at that age. Eventually we circled back to our house, and begrudgingly he went inside for his nap.  I don't know why this walk struck me as significant. It's not, really. Just an ordinary moment in an ordinary day full of laundry and dishes.

holy bondage

I keep thinking I need to "catch up" in order to write. I need to write about our trip to New Orleans and the fact that we bought a dog and a house the week we got home.

But I'm not going to. If the idea of doing it "right" stops me from doing it at all, then it is no longer the "right" way at all, is it. You know the adage "if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well." I disagree. "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing just barely." Not that we should pride ourselves on shoddy work, but there are a lot of things that are worth doing, even if we can't do it perfectly. We are imperfect people and the pursuit of perfection should not stop us from the good.



Today I want to write a sort of "stream of consciousness." Things I have been thinking and mulling over and it always helps me to write/talk it out.


In 3 1/2 months, Dave is done with residency. That is not very long. Our entire married life has been a series of stepping stones: Bachelor's Degree, a couple interim years, Med School, Residency.  It has been a wonderful journey so far. We have made dear friends and had so many wonderful, unique, meaningful memories. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been good. I think the most difficult thing about residency for me has been that it felt like a "waiting place." Med school/Vermont was an adventure.  This has been a time of long hours, a time of stretching myself (and often coming up wanting) and a roller coaster of emotions. And for my busy, energetic sense, it has felt like lethargy. Like I'm trying to get somewhere and I'm walking through mud and I just have to wade through it and there isn't any other way.  I have found myself living in the future way too much.

"When we get through this first year, then I'll be happy."

"When I know where we are going to move, then I'll calm down."

"When we get through this hard stretch, then things will be better."

"When we buy a house, then I can be present."

But, here I am, knowing exactly where we are going to move and I have found, much to my dismay that I'm still just waiting, still desperate to move on, still aching for some future thing. "How do I want to decorate my house?"  "How do I want to design the landscaping in the backyard."  "What do I want to study when I go back to school?" All of these future decisions keep me from living the moments right now.

At the same time, thinking of my decade old daughter and how middle school is looming and I'm all like "what? No! Time, slow down." My "early motherhood" years are slipping through my fingers like sand and the tighter I grasp the faster it seems to move.

These two things, seeming to contradict each other, taking up space in my head and heart and making me, frankly, dissatisfied and angsty and unmotivated. 

I heard THIS song and reread THIS poem this week.  They have, in some ways, reset my heart a bit. Holy Bondage. That is what I have chosen.  Someone said to me recently that the key to this contradiction in my head and heart is gratitude. I think she is right. Gratitude for the moments and experiences that I have today.

I am not there yet.  I still feel dissatisfied and angsty and unmotivated. But there have been moments where they melt away and I feel gratitude and joy.

And now, the laundry awaits.

catapults and privileges

Jack has a school project due tomorrow. They were supposed to build something using simple machines. He designed a catapult, and he and Dave built it. It works fabulously.  He is so proud of it.

Jack and his awesome catapult!

I guess some kids brought their project today. At dinner time Jack was telling us about how some other kids also did a catapult. "I liked their designs, but they didn't work as well." He then told us all about the other kids' catapults and what their designs were like and what he liked about them and what went wrong. He wasn't insulting them, just being honest. He was generous in his praise of their designs and structure.

I thought about how Dave was there to coach Jack on his design, to help him buy wood, to call our neighbor to cut the wood, and then to work side-by-side as they built it together. I thought about what would have happened if the project was due a few months ago when Dave was working so much we were all exhausted and what it would have been like if I would have had to do it with Jack. I thought about other kids whose parents maybe didn't have the time or inclination or skill to help them with each step. It made me grateful that my kids have such a great dad. Part of me felt guilty - that maybe he should have done it all on his own. But then I realized how much he learned by having his dad help him. Dave has a gift of perfection and precision (one that I lack) and Jack learned a lot about how to help it be more stable, and how to drill a little hole so that the screw goes in better and how to measure it just right. Those are all things he needed, and truthfully, I could not have provided it for him. In that moment I realized just how lucky we are.

And then we talked about it as a family. We talked about how so many people don't have the opportunities we have and I asked the kids what they think our responsibility is to those who are less fortunate. Jack's first thought was "don't brag." A valid point, for sure. We should be humble and realize that what we have isn't just because of our hard work, but of so many circumstances that we lucked into.

We talked about how we have an obligation to help lift and bless those around us. It is our responsibility.  Dave read from the Book of Mormon when Moroni wrote to Pahoran, scolding him for not taking better care of the people. "And now, my beloved brethren - for ye ought to be beloved; yea and ye ought to have stirred yourselves more diligently for the welfare and freedom of this people. ...  Behold, could ye supposed that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the exceeding goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you?" (Alma 60:10-11)  We are privileged and blessed, and "Because I have been given much, I too must give."

I don't know if the kids were paying attention or not, but it struck a chord with me. I hope to do a better job at teaching them how to be a influence for good in the lives of others.

two years

 Today were printed some pictures of Ana through the years for a project she is doing in school. We were looking at them and trying to remember what things were like when she was 3 and 4 and it was hard to remember.  It made me feel glad I wrote so much of it down, and also sad that I haven't kept that up because who knows but in another 5 years I will look back and think "what was Charlie like when he was 2?" I don't want to forget, but I probably will, so all I can do is take the time right now to write about it. And since Charlie just had a birthday, I thought I would start with him.

The past two years have flown by, really. I can't believe he is two already! We celebrated last Sunday with a piggy cake, and gifts and teaching him to say "TWO!" when someone asks "how old are you?" 



I was pregnant with Charlie when we moved from Vermont, though I didn't know it. We were not really anticipating have a baby in the first year of residency.  God must have known how much we needed him in our family. He has been the sweetest, easiest kid in the world. He was a calm baby, and a good sleeper and eater from the beginning.  As he has grown it has been more of the same. He has always been a good sleeper and eater. He is happy and easy and sweet. He took a bit longer to start talking, but now that he has started, he doesn't stop. He says everything. He is eager to learn - colors and shapes and names of things - and he picks up on it fast.

That isn't to say everything is easy. He gets stubborn and if he wants something there is NO distracting him away from it. And if you offer him anything but exactly what he wanted he will throw it. He also yells if his siblings start to bug him. (A habit I think he picked up on from his siblings.)  He is also small, which perplexes Dave. Most of his clothes are 18 month size. He's barely 24 pounds.

We bought two identical sticker books for Ana and Jack when we moved TO Vermont (almost 7 years ago.) They were 1000 stickers and each page had 8 or 9 stickers on it and each sticker has a very specific spot. The other kids used them occasionally, but Charlie has loved them! Finally this month he finished them off. We went on Amazon and bought the exact same one for him to do. He loves sticker books, especially if each sticker has a spot.  He also is very good at cleaning up after himself. (A habit he did NOT pick up from his siblings.) I am trying to capitalize on it now.  I want to remember that about him. I also want to remember how reverent he is when we say prayers and how much he likes going to nursery at church. I want to remember how he likes to eat "cado-cado" (avocados) and he says "Thank you" and "please" and asks to watch Daniel Tiger all the time.  He loves to color and paint and do puzzles.

Mostly, I want to remember his smile. He lights up a room with that grin. It happens quickly and easily and everyone loves him for it.

Here are some pictures from the last few months that I just adore.

horizon

When I was young, I lived in Virginia and was good friends with a girl named Annie. She was kind and fun. Her dad drove what I thought must be the coolest car ever (a red convertible Mazda Miata. I'm sure it was the nicest car I had ever seen.) and she had a big cardboard cut out of the Land Before Time in her basement. Her birthday party was the first time I went to Chuck E Cheese, and her name is listed as someone who came to my baptism when I was eight. We both moved away and wrote letters for several years. After a while we lost touch.

Enter Social Media. I think it's only redeeming value is the fact that it brought me and Annie in touch again after years of separation. Today she is just as kind and cool as she was when we were 8. She is also a very talented artist. She paints homes and communities and mountains. Last year, she did these pie charts where she explored how she spent her days.  Every November she does a painting every day for the month and the theme for 2016 was "Where will you go." It was a series of Horizons and I fell in love. They reminded me of her pie charts and I couldn't get this idea out of my head. This idea that daily acts and the lifelong journey are inextricably connected. And then day 20 she summed it up so perfectly, it went right to my heart.

"What sets our direction if not the things that make up our days."

I've thought about this so much. I've looked at how I spend my days and have wondered where I could do better.  Where do I want to go? Do I spend my time on things that will get me there?

So this is what I resolve in 2017: I resolve to spend my time on things that get me where I want to be.  Not just by the end of the year but the summation of a life. A life of choosing to be a student, a creator, a nurturer, a friend, and a disciple of Jesus Christ. That is where I want to go, and what I do on a daily basis is what will get me there.

So my goals this year are to that end - exploring how I spend my time. 

I do have some specific goals too. I am studying prayer in my scriptures this year. I have books on my shelf that I have had for years and I am determined to read 3 of them. And I have been doing yoga every day so far this year (except Sundays). I didn't set out for that to be a goal, but it has been really good for me. I am spending significantly less time on social media, too.

I don't anticipate 2017 being particularly easy, with the house-buying and moving and what not, but I think it will be a learning and growing and stretching year. It will be good.

(I bought this print from Annie and hung it up in my hallway. I love it so much!)

looking back, moving forward

2016 was rough, which has been somewhat documented. But there were some good things, like that Dave signed his first job contract. Hooray! Light at the end of the tunnel.

November and December passed as uneventfully as the holiday season usually does. Dave was home a lot more, which was wonderful. We went to Rupert for Thanksgiving; it was the first time in 8 years that Dave spent Thanksgiving with his family. We went back a couple weeks last for Grandma's Christmas party - always a good time. Dave had a week off in December and we bummed around the house, celebrated his birthday, organized and decluttered cupboards, went to a movie together, and all around remembered how much we like we each other. Christmas was quiet and good. My sister joined us, the kids all seemed happy and then Dave had to work that evening.

And now it is 2017. It's going to be a good year. We are excited about the changes that are coming. As I have been thinking about resolutions, I admit I have been a bit discouraged this year. Most years my resolutions are variations of the same things. Most years I do really well for a while and then life happens and I forget or get out of the habit or go into survival mode with little energy left for change. Sometimes I look back and think that the only changes I see in myself are not for the better.

But we can't just focus on the past. All there is to do is move forward. And though it can sometimes be discouraging when we don't see progress that we want to see, that can't stop us from trying and reaching and striving. I do have a theme for the year, and I think it will be a good thing. I will write it down soon. Until then:

Happy New Year! Jan 1, 2017

Christmas Eve jammies

A picture I found on my good camera from homeschooling. Ana spent a day taking pictures and then made a slideshow. I must have snapped this one of her working on it.

Photo by Ana.

an unfinished draft

3 years ago today one of my best friends lost their 13 month old baby girl. It was truly one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever witnessed. Every year on this day, they send out an invitation to celebrate her life by doing good deeds and spreading "Eliza Jane Love." Today, as I thought about that family, my heart felt full and I wanted to share some thoughts.

1. I believe that, in general, people are doing the best they can.

2. I'm grateful for my children.  Their spirits, their energy, their smiles and their goodness. I am likewise grateful for the lessons they are teaching me. I can see how God is using them to help me be more God-like.

3. I am very grateful for Dave. More and more lately, I have had an increasing appreciation for our differences. The way we approach things, the way we react to things, the way we think and respond to things are so very different. But I am glad for it. I am pushy and forward moving and full of ideas. He is calm and deliberate and likes to plan and perfect. I need his calm reassurance and steadiness and I am more and more grateful for it.

4. I am glad the holiday season is coming. For one season, Heaven seems closer. Love abounds. The whole earth seems to take a chance to look deeper and find what really matters. I feel like the world, and my own personal world too, needs some peace and comfort and I hope we will find it this season.

empty/full

I have been running on empty.

Completely depleted. It has been a long, lonely few months. I have felt tired, inadequate and depressed. But mostly lonely and isolated. I prayed more for strength in the last few months than I ever have before.

One week ago I found out I was having a miscarriage. This my fourth, my last one being over 6 years ago.

Though there have been tears and pain and heartache, I have been amazed and overwhelmed at the love and support that has come to me. A couple of my sisters have shown up to clean my kitchen, buy me lunch and vacuum my living room. Other siblings have sent flowers and texts and made phone calls. Friends and neighbors have surrounded me with love and support and help. One came and picked up my kids for the day. We have had dinner provided, and hugs given. I am overcome with gratitude for the love I have felt from my people and my God. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do.

I do know this,  I have felt God's love for me through the love of those around me. I have heard words of encouragement and compassion. I have seen goodness. I have been reached out to and sought out and surrounded with kindness.

And for the first time in months, I feel full.

seeing beautiful

I think when I blogged more I was better at seeing the beautiful things. I looked for them. I took pictures of them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to put on a facade or paint a false picture. I am a naturally positive person, and I found a lot of real joy and satisfaction out of finding the beauty in an ordinary day. Not to say that everyday was always beautiful. But even recording those uglier moments felt peaceful somehow. Like it turned them from an unpleasant experience to simply an experience, and then time worked its magic and now even those ugly moments are beautiful.

Writing (almost) daily forces me to be present. Instagram does it a little. But mostly I post and forget. But to write about a small moment takes time and craft. I think about it. The words fill my head and trickle through the day as I think about it. It causes me to stop and watch and listen and think.

I don't do that enough.

I was reading "Oh the places you'll go" to Katie tonight and I realized that I am in the "Waiting Place."

I am waiting for Dave's crazy schedule to lighten up.
I am waiting for us to move.
I am waiting til we can start seriously looking for a house.
I am waiting for such and such kid to get out of such and such phase.

Every day I am just waiting.

And some of those things I am looking forward to, but the answer to the slump-y, waiting, staying feeling is to be present. To watch as the kids learn and grow. To look Jack in the eye when he shows me how he got 100% on the test that he felt was pretty hard. To look at the pictures Ana takes with real attention. To pull Katie up on my lap and read her stories and tickle her.  To do puzzles with Charlie on the living room floor. My kids hear "just a minute" far too often, and usually for very unimportant reasons. Not only am I missing out, but they are too. They need their mother to see them in all their ordinary glory.  Writing makes me accountable for the day and the moments that I notice.

He started in the stroller, and I didn't think twice about his shoe-less, pantsless person.  Katie and Jack also joined us (running way up ahead).  Katie was in her nightgown and my flip-flops. Ordinary glory.