but for the grace of God

My senior year of high school was awesome! I realize high school is over and it isn't "everything" like you think it is when you are living it. But it was still a fun time. I had a big group of friends, most of whom were much cooler than me, but my best friend (whom Katie was named after) was somewhat of the ring leader so I was included in the group. We had a grand ol' time doing mostly stupid things.

This week, one among that group died very suddenly. We weren't super close or anything. But he was really awesome - funny and super nice to everyone. He took me to the Valentine's dance my senior year. We spent that dance laughing and annoying our friends by "cutting in" on slow songs.



I have been affected by it more than I thought I would. I already have a preoccupation with death. I don't know why. (But it is enough that right after Ana was born, Dave and I got life insurance.) Sometimes I will be sitting around my house during the day and think "what if something happened to me right now?" It's a little morbid. I don't know know if the news of my friend has helped or hindered it, but it has made me think.

It has made me think about life and death. You can't really live as if it is our last day because frankly, I wouldn't wash the dishes or send Ana to school. It has made me think about how I treat those I love. You can always treat others with kindness and respect. It has made me think "But for the grace of God, there go I."

My prayers go out to my friend's wife and children and his family. God be with you 'til we meet again.

my need for patience

My children must think I am mute. They must think so, because they seem to not hear what I say. It's been one of those weeks months. My patience is wearing thin. Jack has suddenly become a crazy little boy - literally running circles around me some days. Ana just ignores my every request or just flat out says "no." I have to repeat myself over and over and over again. It drives me crazy!!!

It's under these conditions that I came to a realization today:

Ana is so much like me. I am so much like Ana. The things that drive me the most crazy about Ana are the qualities most like some of my own.

*Last Monday I wrote the following in my journal.

"Today was a "yes" day. Ana is home for Thanksgiving Break, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I woke up this morning without any energy to say "no." And though they watched TV all morning, we made bread, did the dishes, made Dave lunch and took it to him, went to the local children's museum, did a "Thankful Tree," ate 3 meals, AND made s'mores together AND did jobs AND still got the bed before 8. Not only that, but we made it through the day with no fits or tears and Ana was very cooperative.

Perhaps my expectations for my days are too high. Today I had low expectations and it turned out great and happy. Days that I try too hard are harder on everyone. And perhaps Ana just needs to hear "yes" a little more often."

(making s'mores)

I thought about that today. I thought about how frustrated I am when I hear "no" (or no response at all) and I thought about how I would feel if I was being bossed around and told "no" all the time. Suddenly, I can see why she is uncooperative. I probably would be too.

*In Relief Society today, we watched President Uchtdorf's "Forget-Me-Not" address. It is an excellent talk, and I never get tired of hearing it. I thought about how often we hear the same things over and over at church: Read scriptures, say prayers, go to the church, go to the Temple, pay tithing, be kind, etc. It is all the same. And yet, I need the reminder. I don't always say my prayers or read my scriptures. I'm not always kind to those around me. And I am always reminded. It helps to be told things over and over.

Just as I hope God is patient with me, I hope I can be more patient with my children. After all, we aren't really that different.

rolly polly

Hi! I'm hanging out on the floor today.



Ooo... Look what is over here.



A toy! I want it, I want it...


Dang, I over shot things. Hmmm.... Now what.


This electrical cord looks fun. I'll play with it instead.


Now I'm going to cry for mom to pick me up.




PS. Katie is the youngest of my kids to roll. Both the others were 7 months! I guess this means no more leaving her on the couch.

its beginning to look a lot like christmas - 2011 edition

Saturday was Christmas tree buying day! We left Saturday morning, but discovered that the flat tire we thought we had fixed the day before was no longer fixed. Three hours and 2 new tires later (boo!) we headed to the Christmas tree farm. This year was slightly warmer than last year.








Jack really got into decorating the tree. I have this weird mix lately of thinking Jack is such a big boy and remembering that he is still so little and that there are so many things I want to remember about him right now. Like how he put all his ornaments on the bottom few branches and that he keeps trying to sneak some more ornaments on the tree. Ana wanted to put all her ornaments up really high by the star, so our tree is lacking in the middle sections. But I don't really want to fix it. I want to remember it how it is.







We also put lights on the outside of our house, which I LOVE!!! Tonight I'm going to make a wreath and then it's time to get cracking on my handmade gifts for the year. Christmas makes me happy.

let them eat pie

We've had a busy weekend spent with good friends, good food and a lot of family time. Happy times. I've been thinking and reflecting a lot this weekend. Between the turkey and the stuffing and the gravy one thing kept coming back to me.

Pies.

I've heard this absurdity that some people don't like pie. This I do not understand. It is a dessert with endless possibilities. Pie is never boring. Whatever dessert you like, there is a pie for you.

You don't like traditional pie crust? Fine - (but I bet you have never had good pie crust...) you can have graham cracker, chocolate, sugar cookie, or cinnamon roll.

Are you a fruit person? You can put it in a pie. You also have cream pies in many varieties: chocolate, coconut (my favorite, but only my mother's recipe), lemon, banana.

There are thick and creamy pies and light and fluffy pies. Pies topped with whipped cream or meringue or a nice brown sugar crumb topping. You can have a pie with pecan or key limes. (Yum!)

Then there are cheesecakes, with all of their endless possibilities including pumpkin and nutella, both of which I have made and devoured, or regular topped with cherries.

I made 3 pies on Wednesday. Pumpkin cheescake (this recipe). Chocolate Cream. And my mother's Coconut Cream. It tasted just like hers. In that moment, I missed my mom. Its amazing what a pie can do.

Go make a pie. Or better yet, I'll make one for you. But first I'm going to go finish one off.

first snow!

Jack: Is it Christmas?

Ana: I'm confused... How can it be snowing if it's not the first day of winter yet?

Of course we had to play in it...


Katie slept...


Kenzie smiled...

Yay for the holidays!!!

thankful tree

Nothing like a good ol' Thankful Tree to kick off Thanksgiving Week.



It's funny, but this simple exercise really does help me to remember my blessings.

Especially my children, who think of things like, "hugs" and "Jesus" and "trees".

Love it!

3 babies

I have baby births on my mind lately. I don't know why. I keep thinking back on the births of my three babies. They were all so different, but I was happy with each one.

Labor went exactly how it is supposed to go with Ana. Tuesday morning contractions were regular and I started timing. I went to the store and made banana bread for a friend who had just had a baby herself. Contractions were getting closer - about 5 minutes apart. About lunch time I called Dave and told him when he got off work we probably would go to the hospital. He called me back a while late and said, "Just come and get me now." After I picked him up, we headed to my friend's house. After that we went to eat at Subway, but I wasn't too hungry. We got to the hospital about 6 and they decided I was probably in labor and admitted me. But they didn't have any rooms so they told me to walk around for a while. So Dave and I walked around while he read some cheesy church novel to me. Fun times.

About 8 I was in a room. Labor was going pretty well. Contractions were steadily getting harder and closer. At 10 they broke my water. Then contractions came hard and fast. I couldn't relax. I was worried. Everyone said the pushing was the hardest and I was already in ALOT of pain. I couldn't breath through them. Dave touching me drove me crazy. So I opted for an epidural. I got one about 12 AM. I threw up right away and then I finally slept. (Dave did not. He stood next to the TV watching the Cosby Show.) At about 2 o'clock I woke up, I wanted someone to check my progress. Finally at 3 the doctor came to check and Ana was crowning. I pushed for about 30 minutes, during which time Dave got light-headed and had to sit down. Ana was born at 3:34 AM.

Jack was different. Labor was stop and go for 2 days. I Finally on Saturday afternoon I went to the hospital. After walking around for a while, they decided to keep me. I had Group B strep, so I had to labor for 4 hours while my antibiotic ran, so I decided to get an epidural early. Once again, I threw up and my blood pressure dropped so I had to have some oxygen for a while, but then Dave and I chatted and watched TV for a few hours. The doc told us he'd be back at 7. It came and went and Dave kept saying we should call him. But I was watching Ever After and wasn't in a hurry. Finally he showed up at 8:30. He broke my water and then, knowing Dave was a soon-to-be med student, he put him to work. He told the nurse to get him some gloves and she pulled a couple out of the box. "No, not those. Get him sterile gloves." The nurse looked a little shocked, and handed Dave the gloves. With the doctor as his guide and the nurse as my pushing coach, Dave delivered Jack a few minutes before 10 PM, only an hour after my water was broken. It was awesome!



By the time I was pregnant with Katie, I recognized that my problem with Ana's birth was my inability to keep myself calm. But I had been working on it. (I'm still working on it.) I didn't want an epidural this time. I had no issues with my previous births, but I didn't like the woozy feeling I got right after my epidural, so I wanted to do it without. I practiced breathing through it by breathing through the leg cramps I got frequently during pregnancy. The Saturday before she was born we went up to the hospital late at night because my labor was pretty regular. But then sent me home because contractions stopped. That continued for the next 3 days. They'd be regular for a while and then stop. I went to the doctor every day that week to be checked and I wasn't progressing. I told the doctor how I wasn't getting any sleep and that my labors usually pick up after my water is broken. So we decided to head up to the hospital to brake my water. I was so thankful! She knew I didn't want an epidural, but she warned me that sometimes intervening early can lead to problems and that we might end up with one anyway if I needed pitocin. I understood, and we headed to the hospital.

At about 1 my water was broken. I then spent the next few hours walking around the maternity ward. It has a fabulous view and Dave and I spent much of our time laughing and trying to figure out a way to use my Grandma's name (Doris) with Katie. (Most options were quite comical and we ended up not using it at all.) By 5-ish the contractions were quite strong and uncomfortable. I took a shower and took a lot of deep breaths. After that I just wanted to lay down. So I spent the rest of the time in bed breathing. I held Dave's hand and breathed. My doctor was fabulous. Knowing my plan, she never even offered an epidural but spent the time telling me I was strong and that I was doing great. Time came to push. I told Dave that I couldn't do it anymore. He assured me I could (though he was thinking that I didn't have a choice anyway) and I pushed for 20 minutes. She was born about 7:30 PM. They placed her on my chest and kept her there. It was wonderful.



Giving birth is such a wonderful, empowering thing. It doesn't matter how it happens, epidural or not, c-section or natural, it is a wonderful thing to hold that baby and know that you grew it and now it is here.

Now I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and an adorable little baby and they are my world! I am so grateful for my body and my babies.

on a monday afternoon

playing on the floor with my boy:








I love being a mom. I even love blocks and trains on the living room floor. Someday I'll miss it. I better keep having babies!

enough for one

For me, the hardest thing about being a mom is not the late night feedings (or puking) sessions. It's not the noise or the clutter or the lack of independence. It isn't the physical pain or sickness or fatigue of pregnancy and childbirth.

The hardest thing for me is the issue of not being enough. I feel surrounded by reminders of my failures. Jeans that are too tight remind me that I am not skinny enough. My messy house reminds me I'm not neat enough. I lose my temper and I'm reminded that I'm not calm enough. Seeing my neighbor who seems to always be serving others reminds me that I'm not selfless enough. Trying to teach my children to be kind and hard-working reminds me that I don't know what I'm doing. Pinterest reminds me that I'm not stylish/creative enough.

I know that I am way harder on myself than anyone else. My children are forgiving. My house eventually gets cleaned up. I will eventually lose the baby weight. But there are times when the negative voice in my head drowns out all reason.

And then there is Katie. When she is hungry, I feed her. When she is tired, I rock her. I smile and coo at her and she smiles back. No matter what chaos is swirling around me, her smile melts it all away. I am happiest when looking in her face.



The other day I was driving down the road thinking about how I want another baby. Then I told myself that was crazy and why was I thinking about that already. Today I realized why I was thinking such nonsense.

To a sweet little baby, I am enough.