faith

Today I want to write about Faith. Specifically, my faith. By "Faith" I mean my religion, but I also mean my personal belief in God.

The last few years have been both faith-strengthening and faith-questioning. I had never before known what it meant to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (source) until I watched family and friends grieve in so many different ways over the last 36 months. I have come to understand that scripture a little better now. I have had experiences when I know that the hand of God has been guiding me and others. I have also had experiences when I have asked difficult questions, some of which don't have good answers.

I was reading through some of my "notes" on my phone a few weeks ago and I came across one that I wrote late at night a few months ago. I was reminded of it again the other night as I read the talk "Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth" from this last General Conference. I want to share my note here.

Thoughts on faith (August 3, 2014)
I have no idea how computers work. I know how to use them, and I know general concepts like electricity and things but I have no idea how binary code is translated to my being able to send data hundreds of miles in merely seconds. Some people do understand that. They have studied and worked and know all of the processes that go into that machine. Not only that, but the technology used to improve computers is growing exponentially. But of course, it had to start somewhere. The first computers would be useless today. Does that make the principles they were built on any less true and valid? Of course not. They were the building blocks.

My faith is a lot like that. There are so many things that I do not understand. But I have seen time and time again what happens when I rely on faith and tap into heavenly power. There are things even in my own religion's history that are perplexing and I wonder "why did they do it that way?" But truth isn't learned in one glorious moment. It is learned as we test and try principles. It grows little by little by little as we study and try and sometimes even make mistakes-as individuals and collectively. And I believe there is a tipping point where the truth becomes evident faster and faster and we become better versions of ourselves. Not because what we know now is more true than what we knew then, but because we are building on the truth we have already learned.

It would be silly to say, "until I understand it completely, I will not use a computer." So why would I wait until I understood God completely to utilize His Power and Goodness? The more I turn to Him, (and study His Word) the more I understand Him.

Though I express it differently than I did before and even sometimes look at it from a different perspective, I feel my faith in God is stronger now than ever. I am a witness of the Power of God, in my life and in the lives of others.

remembering

 
A few days ago I was looking through some old photos of Ana when she was Katie's age. It's kind of fun because they really were almost the exact same age at the same time of year. Man, has time flown by. I was also reading some of my old blog posts from back then. Katie looks so much like Ana did at the age.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering Ana as a 3 year old. I am in the Katie-as-a-3-year-old phase and I keep projecting my experience with Katie on the past. But Katie isn't Ana, and Ana wasn't the same as Katie is now.

 When Ana was 3, I blogged a lot. I am so glad of that now.  When I look back and read what we were doing and how I was reacting and what I chose to write about, it brings me back to that time when it was just me and Jack and Ana at home all day.  It helps me remember.

I don't want to look back in 5 years and realize that somehow I stopped keeping a record of my life. A record of my children. I have my journal for my most intimate thoughts. And instagram for random snapshots. But I don't write much about the nitty gritty of daily life. And maybe my posts were (are?) a little redundant. Maybe they were mostly filled with Ana flitting around and me dreading the dishes. I suppose the more things change the more they stay the same. Because now I have two flitting girls and I still put off the dishes. Still, I don't want to forget this time. I especially like blogging because I tend to focus on the positive when I write here. There are times when I really need to focus on the positive. Things aren't always rosy and there are days, like yesterday, when I feel like I clean the same mess up over and over again and it leaves me feeling grumpy. That's one reason why I need to keep writing.

 I want to remember how funny Katie is. She is so serious and expressive. She says funny things and asks a million questions. She doesn't like to leave my side. If she is eating a snack in the kitchen and I walk out she will yell my name repeatedly until I come back and say, "I don't want to be by myself in here." I want to remember how much Jack likes to read out loud to me and how as long as he has a specific task he is happy but when he is bored he goes a little nutso. I even want to remember how much Ana stretches me to my limit. She is so full of life and energy that I simply can't keep up. She doesn't take no for an answer. And when little baby boy gets here in January, I want to keep a record of his sweet baby-ness.

This is important to me: that I keep track of life so that I can look back and say, "Life was good. We did hard things. We grew and learned. We witnessed miracles."

wide open spaces

Throwback to 5 years ago. We were living in Rupert. I call it "Anticipation"

Oh my goodness. Has it really been almost a month? That is crazy. Where has it gone?

Dave ended up having his kidney stone surgically removed after having missed work for a week. It was a miserable week. He was either in pain or asleep because he was taking pain meds and the stone hadn't really moved much. So we got it out so he could start feeling normal again. Mostly he does, though now he is working weird hours so his sleep is still a little off.

We took a whirlwind trip to Rupert a few weeks ago. We went up on Saturday after Dave got off work at 8 a.m. and he slept most of the day while the kids played with Grandma and Grandpa. Sunday was a family get together in honor of Dave's nephew who recently returned from his mission.  I have the best in-laws. Seriously, all of Dave's family rocks and I love them all.

Saturday evening we drove out to his sister's house. She lives a few miles south of town surrounded by farm land. Being September, the fall harvest was in and winter wheat was just showing its pail green stems. For just a moment we stopped and listened. You know what we heard? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The evening air was silent. The sunset glowed beautifully.  Homes dotted the farmland and the mountains in the distance looked beautiful in the dusk. It was glorious.

Of all the things I could have missed while living back East, there was one thing that kept coming up. I missed the sound of sprinklers on a field. I missed the flat farmland and the distant mountains. Vermont is rural, for sure, and there are many things my heart misses so much. But it isn't flat. And they don't need sprinklers to water the crops. And I missed it.

We are really happy we are here in Salt Lake. I love that there is a WinCo and a Target and a temple all within 15 minutes of my home. There are tons of hiking-trails and museums and parks. The sunsets over the city are amazing, and we truly love our neighborhood.

But the truth is, we are not city people. We love the country and the open spaces and the lack of traffic and the quiet.  Rupert reminded us of that. We headed back around bed-time and within an hour all 3 kids were sleeping soundly in the backseat, so Dave and I talked. It had been far too long since we had a talk like that. We talked about our kids and our future. We talked about opportunities and expectations.  We came back feeling much lighter. The country is good for our souls.

(As an aside, I just spent the better part of an hour looking at old pictures of my older kids. It is crazy how little I remember of how I felt about my job day in and day out. Instagram takes most of my photos these days, but looking through those ones reminds me I need to pull out my good camera and capture my kiddos in this stage of life.)

a post about my resident spouse

On the Red Butte trail watching the sunset. 

Everyone told us residency would be hard. For both of us in different ways. So I started by lowering my expectations for myself, especially since I am pregnant. We are now nearing the end of Dave's 3rd rotation.

Just as an interjection for those who may not know exactly what it is Dave is doing - He is working primarily at Primary Children's Hospital. Every 4 weeks he rotates through a different branch of pediatrics - adolescent medicine, cardiology, etc. He also has outpatient clinic every week. At the end of 3 years, he will be a licensed pediatrician. Or he can continue on a do a 1-3 year fellowship in a specialty. He will apply for those during 2nd year if he wants to. Also sometime during this year, he has to take (and pass) Step 3 of the United States Medical Licensing Exam, which is a 2 day test. 

His first rotation was a pretty easy schedule, but he decided to get Step 3 out of the way right away so he was studying for that. We found out recently that he passed, which is awesome and he is glad to have it out of the way. The next rotation was "wards"  which is what most people generally think of as residency - long hours at the hospital almost every day. It was long and it was stressful, but I felt like I came through it all right.  Most of the time I felt like I played the role of the supportive wife pretty well. He worked hard and I did what I could to be his supporting cast.

I noticed something amazing about my husband too. When he had such limited time off, he wanted to make it count. He would take a kid to the library or to the store. He would come home for just a minute and ask if there was anything he could do for me. And even if he was really tired, he would curl up with the kids and watch a movie with them. It was amazing.

And then I got all full of myself and thought, "Okay, I have got this. I can do this resident wife stuff."

This rotation is split it two; the first two weeks were called Safe and Healthy Families which pretty much means you are dealing with families who are NOT safe and healthy. (Abuse, mostly.) But the schedule was pretty easy. The last two weeks are night shift at the hospital - just like wards but at night.

It has been rough. I don't do well with the night shift thing. Once I am asleep I am okay, but I am totally unmotivated to get myself there. And there is the what-to-do-during-the-day-while-daddy-is-sleeping issue. The older kids are in school, so that helps. Truth be told Dave is a pretty deep sleeper so that is good. Still it changes routines and schedules and trying to figure out when to eat dinner and what to fix and all of that stuff has been really stressful.

Then last night, while working his night shift, he started with some pain that got so bad that he ended up dragging himself to the ER. He has a fairly descent size kidney stone. They sent him home with some pain meds but he couldn't keep them down and when he did they didn't seem to be working. So tonight, though it was supposed to be his "night" off, he is up at the hospital again, as a patient.

Luckily for me, we landed ourselves in an amazing ward. We made one phone call and had someone over to give him a blessing.  My visiting teacher came to my rescue to watch my kids while I took Dave up AND fed us an amazing dinner. We are so lucky to be here.

As I sit here and type this all out, I feel really, amazingly blessed. Dave is such a smart, hardworking husband and I am so lucky to have him. He has such a strong desire to be a good dad and husband and to be an example of a Christian.  Even though the last couple days have been stressful and a little crazy, the Lord sends his tender mercies in simple things like a text from a sister saying that she understands, and the chance that my friend was home this evening when usually they eat Sunday dinner with extended family. God does not forget us.

Isaiah 49:15-16

 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

school days

School is back in session.

I do love the school year. I love getting the kids on the bus and walking to pick them up in the afternoon. I love the quiet days with just me and Katie. I had such good intentions of getting the house all cleaned up this week, but truthfully the schedule change has been rough for me. The kids have adjusted fine, but I have been a lot sicker than I had been the week before. So I mostly took it easy this week. I did manage to get all the laundry washed, dried and put away. And the kitchen has stayed mostly tidy. I need to get Katie some regular social interaction, though. She won't leave my presence.

Jack has a ton of homework. At first I was like Really? In 1st grade? But I actually enjoy sitting down with him after dinner is all cleaned up and helping watching him do it. He is a bright kid. He is usually not too long in finding some sort of afternoon activity to occupy himself. All summer long he acted so bored. But when school is out he just walks in the door, eats a snack and then goes quietly about an activity. Yesterday it was building a web of yarn with a friend in our driveway. The day before it was building some sort of invention with a box and a hanger and some other stuff from the recycling box. My house is filling up with his robots and inventions and I am not quite sure what the acceptable "keeping" time is and when I can stop stepping over them. He seems happy to go and happy to come home. But he needs his unwind time. We do homework after dinner so they can have that time.

Ana loves school if nothing else than the fact that her 2 closest friends are in her class. She lives and breathes a social life. She isn't home more than 2 minutes before she is skipping out the door to find someone to play with her. Of course, if she can't find anyone she moans and groans, but she usually has good luck. She has all positive things to say about school and she even has her school calendar hanging up in her room so she knows what to expect when. Upcoming field trips, no school days, etc.

I feel good in the settling of life and the routines, with a little fun and adventure mixed in.

last week of summer

With taking the kids out of school early for our move, this summer has been LONG. I am ready for school to start next week.

As this week was approaching I kept vascillating between what kind of a week we were going to have. Was I going to get my nose to the grindstone and have the kids work work work all week to make the house all nice and spotless or was I gonna just relax and let them relax and have fun. My "what good mommy's SHOULD do" radar was telling me to do the first. But my "Erin" radar was telling me the latter. All in all, I decided somewhere in between. We spent yesterday at the zoo and Monday at a park and I think I will take them to a museum this afternoon. But we do need to clean bedrooms first because as it is they won't be able to find anything come the first day of school. Ana, through diligent teethbrushing earned getting her ears pierced. She had been begging and so I figured we could compromise and she could earn it. It does look pretty cute.

On Tuesday Dave got off work early so he could go to my doctor's appointment with me. I ended up waiting for FOREVER because I guess I wasn't checked in, even though I thought I was and so that was a pain. But it was pretty exciting because we found out:

So, that's pretty exciting. I was thinking girl, so I was surprised. It definitely makes the sleeping arrangements easier because Ana was really petitioning to move upstairs with the baby. But now it is settled nicely.

The kids found out who their teachers are for school and are exciting because they each have a good friend in their class. Dave and I were reflecting last night about how blessed we have been to find this neighborhood. When deciding our rank list, I was especially worried about finding a good neighborhood here in Utah that would fit our needs. One of our main concerns was the social aspect for Ana. In Vermont, we did not go to church with even 1 little girl her age. She had great friends at school and church, but we lived so far away from them that it was hard for to really form good friendships. We prayed that we would find some place that had good friends for Ana: kids her age that she could run around with all summer and still see at school and church and have that continuity of friendships. Finding this place has been perfect. The kids in the neighborhood are kind and fun and they want to play with her.  Not all of them go to church and not all of them go to the same school, but they all have welcomed her.  The ward is great. Everyone we talk to really likes the school. Plus it is a short commute for Dave. I know that we could not have found such a perfect place without God's guidance. We were led to it.

We have a few more fun activities planned for the weekend. (Since Dave has the WHOLE WEEKEND OFF! Hooray!) and then school starts and it will just be me and little Katie for a few months before little brother joins us in January. Things have a way of working out just right.

the last 10 days

Sometimes you have weeks where you find out your uncle died and then the next day is your daughter's birthday party which is 3 days before your other daughter's baptism which is the day before your family reunion that has to be re-planned so that you can go to your uncle's funeral and then you finally get home from said funeral/family reunion and your daughter throws up for 2 days.

It's those kind of weeks where you give yourself a mommy stay-cation by letting your kids watch far too much television and you thank your lucky stars that your awesome new neighbor asked if she could bring you dinner. (And you said yes.)

our summer

First of all, there is this:

So naturally, there has been a lot of this: 

Because I am dead tired and nauseated all. the. time. But that's how it goes.

There has also been this:

Which I never get tired of. Even if our swamp cooler is marginal at best and it is stinking hot. I am not complaining.

And there is all of this:

So overall, I am not complaining. Life is good, my friends. Life is good.

30

The family at Mount Rushmore

My 30th birthday came and went last month. It was just 5 days after we arrived into town and we spent the day with my sister Shari, who bought Muppet cupcakes and let the kids pick out presents for me (Mary Poppins and a swimsuit that didn't quite fit. :) ) and then our niece watched the kids in the evening while Dave and I enjoyed an Arctic Circle milkshake.

Many woman I know dread the big 3-0, but I welcomed it. It seems like the threshold of adulthood. Sure we have been married 9 years with 3 children and have been living on our own and being all independent and stuff, but NOW I am an adult.


I remember this woman that I used to babysit for. In fact I traded piano lessons for babysitting. Now I think she was getting a great deal, but I was happy to do it at the time. She had all these little kids and was so confident and laid-back. Her oldest was probably Ana's age at the time, maybe a little older. *  I think of her quite often now. I am sure she wasn't perfect. Her house usually needed to be tidied up a bit, like mine, but she sure didn't seem hung up on it and pre-occupied and apologetic of it like I am. I want to be like her. She was so comfortable with who she was that she never seemed ruffled by appearances.  She was just real and genuine and happy. Being around her made you feel good.  My goal for my 30s is to be like that.  I probably won't ever be as laid back as she was, but I can be just as comfortable with who I am.  I don't have to seek for the approval of others. I can just be me.

This doesn't mean that I subscribe to the "This is how I am, take it or leave it" philosophy because I absolutely don't. I believe people can change and should strive to be Christlike and kind and that everyone should have worthy and attainable goals that we are working towards. In the strength of the Lord we can accomplish great things and become better, even different, people.

But I do believe we can be comfortable with who we are along the process of progression. It is a process. Seeking others' approval, passive-aggressive behavior, and defending my actions (or inactions) along the way don't help me change. In fact they inhibit real, true growth. 

So the question is, How? What am I going to do differently in my 30s? I can't do what I have always done, react as I have always reacted, speak as I have always spoken, and somehow expect to feel differently. I think I found at least part of the answer in a conversation with my mom a couple weeks ago. We were talking about people who always uplift those around them and how we want to be like that. They are gracious and kind. And they are also comfortable with who they are. So perhaps the more we seek to love others, the more comfortable we become with who we are because we no longer are seeking their approval. Our focus becomes outward instead of inward.

Songwriter Hilary Weeks said, "Don't worry about what others think of you. Worry about what others think of themselves when they are with you." And while I realize that I can't take responsibility for how others feel about themselves, I can seek to lift. I have realized that the more I seek to gain the approval of others, the more I offend them. But if I am focused on building others up, we are both elevated. Maybe that's off the subject, but I know that my friends that I am closest with, the ones that  I know absolutely accept me and love me, the ones I feel totally in my element around, are the ones that I stopped trying to impress long ago and started to just genuinely love and care for them. They are the ones who have been vulnerable around me, and I them. We dropped our defenses and simply loved each other. (That doesn't mean we always agree. Some of those friends have very different opinions about lots of different things than I do. We can have discussions and debates about things and go away every bit as friends.)

So here's to my 30s. I think they will be good. I don't know if by the time I am 40 I will be able to check this goal off my list of "things to accomplish" but I think the perspective is a good start. 

*That girl I used to babysit now has a kid. Weird.

making a house a home

This last weekend we went up to Idaho for a few days. We went fishing with Dave's brother, celebrated Jack's birthday, stayed up way too late, and went to church in our old Rupert ward. It was wonderful.

By the time we were driving home last night a vague homesickness set in. Usually after a trip, the drive home feels like a relief, but this time it didn't. Our walls are still bare. I still haven't unpacked my boxes of books (something that always makes me feel more at home) and it is strange that my calendar is relatively empty. It doesn't quite feel like home yet. It will. I love our new neighborhood and our house is great. We got a new couch that I really love. But I am still figuring out where to put things and how to organize stuff and all of that. It takes time. I know it does.

I had a dream the other night that we were done with residency and it was time to move again and I couldn't believe it had gone so fast and I felt like we had just barely moved and I couldn't bring myself to do it again. It has been an exhausting journey, even though it is exciting. Transitions can be hard.

The night before we left Vermont I lay our our little cot in our mostly empty house. Four years before I had done the same thing, and our empty house felt full of promise and hope for the future. This time, though all of our stuff was packed tightly (very, very tightly) in our moving truck, the house didn't feel empty at all. It felt full of ghosts. The ghosts of our memories that filled the house to the brim. Memories of Christmas mornings and lazy Sunday afternoons and the smell of lilacs through the windows and dinners with friends and so many other wonderful things that happened in that house. It was a four year process of making that house a home. And I cried.

The same with happen with this house. We will fill it with so many memories that in a few short years when we pack it up I will cry. And it will feel like home.

May 2014 - Last day

July 2010 - First day in our new home