january

I love January. After the celebrations of the Holidays, I love the chance to pack it all away and reflect on the goodness of God and the changes I want to make. ("The calm after the storm" as I recently heard it called.)

Last year was a roller coaster year - full of high highs and low lows. We had the excitement of matching in Salt Lake City and the sadness of seeing loved ones pass. Dave graduated from medical school and we left dear friends and wonderful Vermont behind. We have had the news of a new baby and Dave's kidney stone episode and much more. We miss our Vermont family dearly, and as we all spread out more and more I know it is the ending of a wonderful era of our lives. We will always look back on our time there with such fondness.  The year was an eternity and yet the blink of an eye.

We have tried the make the most of living close to family. We have traveled to Idaho for Thanksgiving and Grandma's Christmas Party/Dave's birthday and again for New Year's Eve. It has been so wonderful!

As per our tradition, we stayed home for Christmas. We played with Jack's new helicopter and read books and Ana painted and Katie flitted around the house and we all went sledding and played endless games of Uno.  I thought it might be weird doing dinner alone since we have done dinner with friends the past few years, but it ended up being really nice.

My favorite Christmas scenes:

New Jammies

Katie took her role as Mary so seriously. It was the most precious thing I have ever seen

Christmas!

Painting with her new art set

Love the new robe from Grandmas

Reading. I have learned since she got this book that she likes graphic novels. She has read it twice already.

Fresh Christmas snow. Hooray for a white Christmas.

This year hasn't been my best for writing. I haven't journaled or blogged much.  I want to keep doing it.  It requires stillness and forces reflection. It requires that I focus on the good (or at least the humor) in every situation. I don't want to be so consumed with busy-ness that I neglect my need for stillness and reflection. It seems a mother's day is a day of "hyper-vigilance" - managing crises and functioning in a state of urgency. Much of that comes with the job. Writing, reflecting, being still, and focusing on things that matter most often get pushed aside, to the detriment of everyone involved.

While I haven't officially made my list of resolutions, I know that they will involve more pro-action. More time to be still. More time to write down thoughts and ideas. More slowing down and simplifying.

The baby's room is ready, and so as long as he stays put until Dave is done working his night shift rotation, we will be alright.

Hello, 2015.

to sophie

I have started a couple posts over the last week but not much seems significant. About 10 days ago, Sophie Fellows, the 9 year old daughter of some good friends of ours, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She is at Boston Children's Hospital and today will be going in for a 2nd surgery. The first one was on Friday and they didn't quite get the whole thing, so they are going back in.

Often at Christmas we get caught up in the business of pressure of buying gifts and sending cards and going to parties and giving goodie plates to the neighbors and a million other things. There is nothing wrong with that. We want our children to have wonderful memories of Christmas and the "magic" that seems to hang in the air every December. We want them to remember traditions and feel love and happiness. We want to keep in touch with friends and reach out to those around us. 

What matters most is love. All those little traditions, when done with love, add to the Spirit of the Christmas season. It's when we forget why we do them that we lose that Spirit. I hope the Fellows family feels so much love from across the country this holiday season. They have already seen so many miracles and I will keep praying that they can witness many more miracles this Christmas. Mostly, I hope they feel peace from the Prince of Peace whose birth we are celebrating.

Simon Dewey's Prince of Peace

You can follow Sophie's story HERE.

behind the scenes

Last night I felt super frustrated as I glanced around my house. I felt guilt over the mess.  I was emotionally drained after dealing with emotional needy children all afternoon. I was tired yet restless. My body ached yet I couldn't sit still.

This morning I woke up and got to work. I was determined to make a dent in the post-traveling and pre-Christmas state that currently held my emotional sanity captive. By 11 a.m. I had folded all 9 batches of laundry and vacuumed my entire downstairs (even the stairs themselves) which, of course, had required that I actually clean up the floor, too. All while Katie watched Team Umi Zoomi and played "family" with me. (Which meant she called me Katie and pretended to go to the store and buy stuffed animals for me.) (And by the way, I always called that game "house" growing up.  Interesting.)

Then we lunched and showered and Targeted and Costcoed. The kids' came home and got right to work on their homework so that right after dinner we could go up to the Zoo to see the lights.

And now the kids are tucked in and my front room still looks like this:

Which is about what it looked like last night. And my kitchen isn't any better.

And I am okay with it.

Mothers worry so much about how we present ourselves, our children, and our homes to others. But we forget that the majority of our work is behind the scenes. It's in folding laundry, grocery shopping and paying the bills. It's in trying to teach a 3 year old that when you dump out goldfish, or water or a bag of buttons (or all 3 in one day) that they need to clean it up. It's in trying to get your allergic-to-everything baby to eat something - anything - besides breast milk. It's in reading to your children, even if it puts you to sleep, or letting them do a craft all over the kitchen floor because that's where you are. It's helping your kids understand their homework when they are struggling to understand it.  Though very little of what we do is seen, it is always important.

identity crisis

Katie isn't really herself these days.

She is anybody or anything else. 

Every day holds a new identity. 

Some of them are well-known. 

A Bee:

 Or Tinkerbell:

Some are more obscure.

A sword-wielding, sunglass-wearing, super-hero wal-mart shopper (?):

 

Sometimes she gets very specific.

Like Elsa WITH GLOVES:

 Rapunzel must have Pascal on her shoulder:

 And Fix-it Felix has Short hair because he is a boy:

Sometimes, though, she is just Katie. But she still needs a spin-y dress for all occasions.

Like eating breakfast:

Or drowning her sorrows in chocolate milk:

 (She was very distraught that her friends had to leave before she could share her bike and helmet.)

 

 

Or playing in the sandbox:

 

She keeps us smiling and laughing, that's for sure.

The only identity I object to is that of a spider monkey, but only because she insists on using me as her personal jungle gym. But she doesn't seem to be giving that one up anytime soon.

this week

Katie spelling with her blocks. OPS=Octopus. :)

I have been a little grumpy this week. I can't quite account for it.

It might be that Dave has had a few hard rotations right in a row that mean long hours.

It might be that Katie gets in bed with us every. single. night. and I am just not sleeping well.

It might be that I feel like I haven't been "caught up" on housework in about a month.

It might be because I don't have energy to do anything. And by no energy, I mean, I get winded going up the stairs, tired walking down the street, and the thought of folding and putting away the mounds of laundry makes me want to take a nap. (I found out at my doctor's appointment this week that I am slightly anemic. That may have something to do with it.)

It also might be that Katie is super clingy. Like, I can't leave the room she is in without her yelling calling my name incessantly until I come back. Clingly, as in, she insists on climbing all over me like I am her personal jungle gym at all times.

And, of course, there is the mommy guilt that makes me grumpy. The constant thought that: for heaven's sake, I'm not bedridden or throwing up anymore just get off the dang couch and enjoy these last few weeks with just you and Katie during the day and take your multi-vitamin and do I really need to check Facebook again?

Typically when Katie and I get home from walking the kids up to the bus stop (which is a 2 minute walk), I sit down and veg on my phone for a few minutes until I get the energy to get up. But this morning was different. For one thing, I was asleep before 10 last night. That is a miracle. Not because it isn't possible every night, but because I just don't do that. My body wants to sleep from 12-8. I usually don't feel ready to sleep until then. But everyone crashed last night and so did I. And Katie didn't get in bed with me until 5. That is 7 un-squished, uninteruppted,  blissful solid hours of sleep. She is still asleep, and I did start playing on my phone for a minute when I decided to study for my lesson on Sunday. Everything was still and quiet as I read the account of the First Vision. Then baby started kicking and squirming like crazy and it made me really happy. And I took a minute to enjoy him moving inside me and I felt very grateful.

I am so glad that this baby is growing and is healthy and will soon join our family. I don't feel nervous about it. I am just excited for baby snuggles and quietly rocking him in the middle of the night and watching the kids love him. I just know they are going to love him. The other day we were all watching a movie together as a family and he started kicking and all the kids felt him. They love him already.

I am grateful that, so far, I have handled this resident-spouse thing pretty well. I was nervous about how the stress would affect our marriage and our home but so far, I feel like I have been alright. There are definitely stressful days, but I have managed to deal with things pretty evenly so far. I am not trying to say how awesome I am. I truly think it has been a blessing from God.

I am also glad that, somehow, when I drove to Logan to see my awesome sister perform in a melodrama and Jack barfed all over the car and Ana's knee started bleeding and Katie peed her pants all in about a 30 minute period, that I was able to laugh about it. (It helped that my mom was there to pick up cleaning supplies at Wal-Mart for me since I had absolutely nothing in the car.) My sister performed beautifully, all my kids survived and loved the play themselves and I had a good nice chat with another sister on the way up and back so it was all worth it.

Life is good. Yes, it is challanging at times and, yes, I don't always handle everything with the calmness and grace that I aspire to, but, truthfully, it is good.

And now I think I will tackle the laundry.

A semi-homemade halloween

I realized this year that my favorite Halloween costumes are ones that are semi-homemade. The ones that are made from things that you have around the house or can pick up at the thrift store and put together into something that looks great. I have noticed that is the route I usually go and I am always happy with the results. This year we had:

Dracula's wife

Superman

A cheerleader

Ana vacillated a bit early on in the decision making process, but finally settled on Vampire. Her cape was made from a black sheet I found at a thrift store. The only other thing I bought was her teeth and make-up. For her those were non-negotiable parts.  I just winged it for the cape and there are a couple things I would do differently if I did it again, but what can I say, I am a "good-enough-ist."

Jack decided to be Superman and stuck to it. He can be a bit particular, but he was totally happy with the results of his put together costume. We had the cape leftover from a friend's birthday party. The shirt and leggings I found at DI and used felt I had already to make the logo. The red shorts are a pair of 3T basketball shorts he has been wearing to bed for years. I just folded them up to make them look shorter. The most expensive part was the brand new socks I bought for the boots, but I like the way it turned out. And so does he. He has been wearing it as much as I would let him over the last week or so, including up to Dave's Park City retreat last weekend.

Everyday for the last month, Katie has said she wanted to be a different thing for Halloween. Whatever dress up she was wearing that day, that's what she wanted to be for Halloween. "I want to be Supergirl for Halloween." "I want to be Tinkerbell for Halloween." "I'm gonna be Rapunzel for Halloween." etc. etc. Last weekend she found our cheerleader costume and wore it for two days straight, so it was easy to convince her to wear it. Though, Halloween morning she almost changed her mind to the bee costume we have.

My favorite thing about this year, though, is that when Katie came home from trick-or-treating, and saw that I had to turn away a couple kids because we ran out of candy, she put her candy in the bowl so that we would have some if kids came by. She was so happy to do it, too. Even when she went to bed she said, "If I hear the doorbell, I will say 'Give them my candy!'' She is such a generous little soul.

Happy Halloween!

faith

Today I want to write about Faith. Specifically, my faith. By "Faith" I mean my religion, but I also mean my personal belief in God.

The last few years have been both faith-strengthening and faith-questioning. I had never before known what it meant to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (source) until I watched family and friends grieve in so many different ways over the last 36 months. I have come to understand that scripture a little better now. I have had experiences when I know that the hand of God has been guiding me and others. I have also had experiences when I have asked difficult questions, some of which don't have good answers.

I was reading through some of my "notes" on my phone a few weeks ago and I came across one that I wrote late at night a few months ago. I was reminded of it again the other night as I read the talk "Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth" from this last General Conference. I want to share my note here.

Thoughts on faith (August 3, 2014)
I have no idea how computers work. I know how to use them, and I know general concepts like electricity and things but I have no idea how binary code is translated to my being able to send data hundreds of miles in merely seconds. Some people do understand that. They have studied and worked and know all of the processes that go into that machine. Not only that, but the technology used to improve computers is growing exponentially. But of course, it had to start somewhere. The first computers would be useless today. Does that make the principles they were built on any less true and valid? Of course not. They were the building blocks.

My faith is a lot like that. There are so many things that I do not understand. But I have seen time and time again what happens when I rely on faith and tap into heavenly power. There are things even in my own religion's history that are perplexing and I wonder "why did they do it that way?" But truth isn't learned in one glorious moment. It is learned as we test and try principles. It grows little by little by little as we study and try and sometimes even make mistakes-as individuals and collectively. And I believe there is a tipping point where the truth becomes evident faster and faster and we become better versions of ourselves. Not because what we know now is more true than what we knew then, but because we are building on the truth we have already learned.

It would be silly to say, "until I understand it completely, I will not use a computer." So why would I wait until I understood God completely to utilize His Power and Goodness? The more I turn to Him, (and study His Word) the more I understand Him.

Though I express it differently than I did before and even sometimes look at it from a different perspective, I feel my faith in God is stronger now than ever. I am a witness of the Power of God, in my life and in the lives of others.

remembering

 
A few days ago I was looking through some old photos of Ana when she was Katie's age. It's kind of fun because they really were almost the exact same age at the same time of year. Man, has time flown by. I was also reading some of my old blog posts from back then. Katie looks so much like Ana did at the age.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering Ana as a 3 year old. I am in the Katie-as-a-3-year-old phase and I keep projecting my experience with Katie on the past. But Katie isn't Ana, and Ana wasn't the same as Katie is now.

 When Ana was 3, I blogged a lot. I am so glad of that now.  When I look back and read what we were doing and how I was reacting and what I chose to write about, it brings me back to that time when it was just me and Jack and Ana at home all day.  It helps me remember.

I don't want to look back in 5 years and realize that somehow I stopped keeping a record of my life. A record of my children. I have my journal for my most intimate thoughts. And instagram for random snapshots. But I don't write much about the nitty gritty of daily life. And maybe my posts were (are?) a little redundant. Maybe they were mostly filled with Ana flitting around and me dreading the dishes. I suppose the more things change the more they stay the same. Because now I have two flitting girls and I still put off the dishes. Still, I don't want to forget this time. I especially like blogging because I tend to focus on the positive when I write here. There are times when I really need to focus on the positive. Things aren't always rosy and there are days, like yesterday, when I feel like I clean the same mess up over and over again and it leaves me feeling grumpy. That's one reason why I need to keep writing.

 I want to remember how funny Katie is. She is so serious and expressive. She says funny things and asks a million questions. She doesn't like to leave my side. If she is eating a snack in the kitchen and I walk out she will yell my name repeatedly until I come back and say, "I don't want to be by myself in here." I want to remember how much Jack likes to read out loud to me and how as long as he has a specific task he is happy but when he is bored he goes a little nutso. I even want to remember how much Ana stretches me to my limit. She is so full of life and energy that I simply can't keep up. She doesn't take no for an answer. And when little baby boy gets here in January, I want to keep a record of his sweet baby-ness.

This is important to me: that I keep track of life so that I can look back and say, "Life was good. We did hard things. We grew and learned. We witnessed miracles."

wide open spaces

Throwback to 5 years ago. We were living in Rupert. I call it "Anticipation"

Oh my goodness. Has it really been almost a month? That is crazy. Where has it gone?

Dave ended up having his kidney stone surgically removed after having missed work for a week. It was a miserable week. He was either in pain or asleep because he was taking pain meds and the stone hadn't really moved much. So we got it out so he could start feeling normal again. Mostly he does, though now he is working weird hours so his sleep is still a little off.

We took a whirlwind trip to Rupert a few weeks ago. We went up on Saturday after Dave got off work at 8 a.m. and he slept most of the day while the kids played with Grandma and Grandpa. Sunday was a family get together in honor of Dave's nephew who recently returned from his mission.  I have the best in-laws. Seriously, all of Dave's family rocks and I love them all.

Saturday evening we drove out to his sister's house. She lives a few miles south of town surrounded by farm land. Being September, the fall harvest was in and winter wheat was just showing its pail green stems. For just a moment we stopped and listened. You know what we heard? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The evening air was silent. The sunset glowed beautifully.  Homes dotted the farmland and the mountains in the distance looked beautiful in the dusk. It was glorious.

Of all the things I could have missed while living back East, there was one thing that kept coming up. I missed the sound of sprinklers on a field. I missed the flat farmland and the distant mountains. Vermont is rural, for sure, and there are many things my heart misses so much. But it isn't flat. And they don't need sprinklers to water the crops. And I missed it.

We are really happy we are here in Salt Lake. I love that there is a WinCo and a Target and a temple all within 15 minutes of my home. There are tons of hiking-trails and museums and parks. The sunsets over the city are amazing, and we truly love our neighborhood.

But the truth is, we are not city people. We love the country and the open spaces and the lack of traffic and the quiet.  Rupert reminded us of that. We headed back around bed-time and within an hour all 3 kids were sleeping soundly in the backseat, so Dave and I talked. It had been far too long since we had a talk like that. We talked about our kids and our future. We talked about opportunities and expectations.  We came back feeling much lighter. The country is good for our souls.

(As an aside, I just spent the better part of an hour looking at old pictures of my older kids. It is crazy how little I remember of how I felt about my job day in and day out. Instagram takes most of my photos these days, but looking through those ones reminds me I need to pull out my good camera and capture my kiddos in this stage of life.)

a post about my resident spouse

On the Red Butte trail watching the sunset. 

Everyone told us residency would be hard. For both of us in different ways. So I started by lowering my expectations for myself, especially since I am pregnant. We are now nearing the end of Dave's 3rd rotation.

Just as an interjection for those who may not know exactly what it is Dave is doing - He is working primarily at Primary Children's Hospital. Every 4 weeks he rotates through a different branch of pediatrics - adolescent medicine, cardiology, etc. He also has outpatient clinic every week. At the end of 3 years, he will be a licensed pediatrician. Or he can continue on a do a 1-3 year fellowship in a specialty. He will apply for those during 2nd year if he wants to. Also sometime during this year, he has to take (and pass) Step 3 of the United States Medical Licensing Exam, which is a 2 day test. 

His first rotation was a pretty easy schedule, but he decided to get Step 3 out of the way right away so he was studying for that. We found out recently that he passed, which is awesome and he is glad to have it out of the way. The next rotation was "wards"  which is what most people generally think of as residency - long hours at the hospital almost every day. It was long and it was stressful, but I felt like I came through it all right.  Most of the time I felt like I played the role of the supportive wife pretty well. He worked hard and I did what I could to be his supporting cast.

I noticed something amazing about my husband too. When he had such limited time off, he wanted to make it count. He would take a kid to the library or to the store. He would come home for just a minute and ask if there was anything he could do for me. And even if he was really tired, he would curl up with the kids and watch a movie with them. It was amazing.

And then I got all full of myself and thought, "Okay, I have got this. I can do this resident wife stuff."

This rotation is split it two; the first two weeks were called Safe and Healthy Families which pretty much means you are dealing with families who are NOT safe and healthy. (Abuse, mostly.) But the schedule was pretty easy. The last two weeks are night shift at the hospital - just like wards but at night.

It has been rough. I don't do well with the night shift thing. Once I am asleep I am okay, but I am totally unmotivated to get myself there. And there is the what-to-do-during-the-day-while-daddy-is-sleeping issue. The older kids are in school, so that helps. Truth be told Dave is a pretty deep sleeper so that is good. Still it changes routines and schedules and trying to figure out when to eat dinner and what to fix and all of that stuff has been really stressful.

Then last night, while working his night shift, he started with some pain that got so bad that he ended up dragging himself to the ER. He has a fairly descent size kidney stone. They sent him home with some pain meds but he couldn't keep them down and when he did they didn't seem to be working. So tonight, though it was supposed to be his "night" off, he is up at the hospital again, as a patient.

Luckily for me, we landed ourselves in an amazing ward. We made one phone call and had someone over to give him a blessing.  My visiting teacher came to my rescue to watch my kids while I took Dave up AND fed us an amazing dinner. We are so lucky to be here.

As I sit here and type this all out, I feel really, amazingly blessed. Dave is such a smart, hardworking husband and I am so lucky to have him. He has such a strong desire to be a good dad and husband and to be an example of a Christian.  Even though the last couple days have been stressful and a little crazy, the Lord sends his tender mercies in simple things like a text from a sister saying that she understands, and the chance that my friend was home this evening when usually they eat Sunday dinner with extended family. God does not forget us.

Isaiah 49:15-16

 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.