looking back, moving forward

2016 was rough, which has been somewhat documented. But there were some good things, like that Dave signed his first job contract. Hooray! Light at the end of the tunnel.

November and December passed as uneventfully as the holiday season usually does. Dave was home a lot more, which was wonderful. We went to Rupert for Thanksgiving; it was the first time in 8 years that Dave spent Thanksgiving with his family. We went back a couple weeks last for Grandma's Christmas party - always a good time. Dave had a week off in December and we bummed around the house, celebrated his birthday, organized and decluttered cupboards, went to a movie together, and all around remembered how much we like we each other. Christmas was quiet and good. My sister joined us, the kids all seemed happy and then Dave had to work that evening.

And now it is 2017. It's going to be a good year. We are excited about the changes that are coming. As I have been thinking about resolutions, I admit I have been a bit discouraged this year. Most years my resolutions are variations of the same things. Most years I do really well for a while and then life happens and I forget or get out of the habit or go into survival mode with little energy left for change. Sometimes I look back and think that the only changes I see in myself are not for the better.

But we can't just focus on the past. All there is to do is move forward. And though it can sometimes be discouraging when we don't see progress that we want to see, that can't stop us from trying and reaching and striving. I do have a theme for the year, and I think it will be a good thing. I will write it down soon. Until then:

Happy New Year! Jan 1, 2017

Christmas Eve jammies

A picture I found on my good camera from homeschooling. Ana spent a day taking pictures and then made a slideshow. I must have snapped this one of her working on it.

Photo by Ana.

an unfinished draft

3 years ago today one of my best friends lost their 13 month old baby girl. It was truly one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever witnessed. Every year on this day, they send out an invitation to celebrate her life by doing good deeds and spreading "Eliza Jane Love." Today, as I thought about that family, my heart felt full and I wanted to share some thoughts.

1. I believe that, in general, people are doing the best they can.

2. I'm grateful for my children.  Their spirits, their energy, their smiles and their goodness. I am likewise grateful for the lessons they are teaching me. I can see how God is using them to help me be more God-like.

3. I am very grateful for Dave. More and more lately, I have had an increasing appreciation for our differences. The way we approach things, the way we react to things, the way we think and respond to things are so very different. But I am glad for it. I am pushy and forward moving and full of ideas. He is calm and deliberate and likes to plan and perfect. I need his calm reassurance and steadiness and I am more and more grateful for it.

4. I am glad the holiday season is coming. For one season, Heaven seems closer. Love abounds. The whole earth seems to take a chance to look deeper and find what really matters. I feel like the world, and my own personal world too, needs some peace and comfort and I hope we will find it this season.

empty/full

I have been running on empty.

Completely depleted. It has been a long, lonely few months. I have felt tired, inadequate and depressed. But mostly lonely and isolated. I prayed more for strength in the last few months than I ever have before.

One week ago I found out I was having a miscarriage. This my fourth, my last one being over 6 years ago.

Though there have been tears and pain and heartache, I have been amazed and overwhelmed at the love and support that has come to me. A couple of my sisters have shown up to clean my kitchen, buy me lunch and vacuum my living room. Other siblings have sent flowers and texts and made phone calls. Friends and neighbors have surrounded me with love and support and help. One came and picked up my kids for the day. We have had dinner provided, and hugs given. I am overcome with gratitude for the love I have felt from my people and my God. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do.

I do know this,  I have felt God's love for me through the love of those around me. I have heard words of encouragement and compassion. I have seen goodness. I have been reached out to and sought out and surrounded with kindness.

And for the first time in months, I feel full.

seeing beautiful

I think when I blogged more I was better at seeing the beautiful things. I looked for them. I took pictures of them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to put on a facade or paint a false picture. I am a naturally positive person, and I found a lot of real joy and satisfaction out of finding the beauty in an ordinary day. Not to say that everyday was always beautiful. But even recording those uglier moments felt peaceful somehow. Like it turned them from an unpleasant experience to simply an experience, and then time worked its magic and now even those ugly moments are beautiful.

Writing (almost) daily forces me to be present. Instagram does it a little. But mostly I post and forget. But to write about a small moment takes time and craft. I think about it. The words fill my head and trickle through the day as I think about it. It causes me to stop and watch and listen and think.

I don't do that enough.

I was reading "Oh the places you'll go" to Katie tonight and I realized that I am in the "Waiting Place."

I am waiting for Dave's crazy schedule to lighten up.
I am waiting for us to move.
I am waiting til we can start seriously looking for a house.
I am waiting for such and such kid to get out of such and such phase.

Every day I am just waiting.

And some of those things I am looking forward to, but the answer to the slump-y, waiting, staying feeling is to be present. To watch as the kids learn and grow. To look Jack in the eye when he shows me how he got 100% on the test that he felt was pretty hard. To look at the pictures Ana takes with real attention. To pull Katie up on my lap and read her stories and tickle her.  To do puzzles with Charlie on the living room floor. My kids hear "just a minute" far too often, and usually for very unimportant reasons. Not only am I missing out, but they are too. They need their mother to see them in all their ordinary glory.  Writing makes me accountable for the day and the moments that I notice.

He started in the stroller, and I didn't think twice about his shoe-less, pantsless person.  Katie and Jack also joined us (running way up ahead).  Katie was in her nightgown and my flip-flops. Ordinary glory.

at the beginning

Of all the things people say when I tell them I am homeschooling Ana, the strangest to me is "I could never do that." It's strange because I used to say that, and yet here I am doing it. It's also strange because it gives off the idea that somehow homeschooling requires some type of "super mom" that seems to have it all together or that it is somehow superior to other types of education.

I don't believe that.

I do not believe that I am a better mom than other people because of this choice.

I do not believe that home school is superior to public school. 

I simply think it is the right thing for this particular child at this time. So despite the fact that I feel like I am not cut out for it and I am nervous and overwhelmed (and excited too) I am doing it. At least for now. We might figure out something else that is better and do that.

I believe mothers want what is best for their children. They do. Sometimes that means they homeschool. Sometimes it means public or private or charter schools or whatever configuration of education they decide is best. 

I also believe that while we are always a mother, we are not ONLY a mother. We are artists and musicians and accountants and teachers. We are intelligent, capable people with wonderful gifts to bring to the world. It is just fine to want time away from your kids to be your own person. It is fine if you breath a sigh of relief when you send your kids to school because you want time to write a book or go to work or volunteer or just be able to go to lunch with your girlfriends on occasion. It doesn't make you a bad mother. In some ways I believe that is what makes you a good mother. Some of the best mothers I know are women who do something outside of Mommy-ing. Some paint. Some write. Some serve. Some work. Most do things they enjoy simply because they enjoy doing it. They let their children see them loving something. It's good for kids to see their mom doing things they love. 

Everyone must decide that balance for themselves. Who am I to decide whose parenting or educational philosophy is "good" or "bad." I simply must decide for myself the balance of being Mom and being Erin. Some days/weeks/years it is definitely tipped on the Mom side of things. I think that's okay too. My mother used to often say "there is a time and a season." When kids are little, Mom wins out. But I must hold onto Erin, even by a thread, because there will be a time when the kids are grown and I want to know who I am.

Parenting looks different on everyone. And while I think there is value in reaching out for ideas and connecting with others, I think the best parenting advice comes from ourselves. Self-awareness is a powerful tool. Knowing what we are capable of, and doing it, is hard, rewarding work. It is the work of life and parenting and education and all the rest. We can do hard things. We were born to do hard things. 

(And homeschooling is hard.)

re-cap

Summer came and went.

I like slow summers. Summers full of otter pops and kids playing in the sprinkler. Maybe some camping and getting together with family, but mostly just hanging out at home.

This was NOT one of those summers.


Job interviews: We went to two. One in Northern California; one in Idaho. Both were delightful experiences.

Family Weddings: Dave had four nieces/nephews get married this summer. We attended two of the weddings and one of the other receptions. So, that was busy. They all looked so happy and it was wonderful to live close enough to attend.

Boise: Dave worked three straight weeks of the night shift which is basically the worst. We don't see him at all. Even his one day off a week he sleeps all day and then stays awake all night. Plus keeping all four kids quiet requires me to be much more helicopter-y than I am comfortable with. So the kids and I packed up and headed to Boise to be with my sister. It was a delightful, though short, visit. It is awesome that Dave's family lives half way there because it makes for a convenient stop along the way.

Logan: The last week of summer vacation I went up to Cache Valley and convinced my sister to play hookie from her job to hang out at the lake. Perfect ending.

We (minus Dave) also went to my Mom's family reunion, which was quite delightful and Ana got to spend a few days at Grandma's house all by herself, which made her feel quite grown up and also homesick.


Now school has started. Katie was so excited for the first day and it did not disappoint. ("It was the perfect first day!") Jack was nervous, but his teacher is good so far and he likes it. Plus his best friend is in his class, so that helps a ton.

Ana and I are beginning home school. Everyone said to spend time "deschooling" and so we have spent the first week taking it slow. Baking, shopping, cleaning, reading, playing (educational) games, and getting lots of physical activity. I am kind of making it up as I go along. I do have a list of the standards to guide me, but when I looked at curricula nothing felt like the right fit for us. The night before school started when the kids got their back to school blessings, I asked for one too. It brought me a lot of peace and comfort. Ana and I have always butted heads a bit, and that has always made me hesitant to home school her. But I know this is the right thing for us at this time. I don't know if it will be a forever solution or just for right now, but I'm glad that I know this is the right choice. It will help me when things get difficult to know that this is what God wants for us right now. I am confident that it will strengthen our relationship.

So here we go into a new school year. There are things to be nervous about and things to be excited about and even things to be sad about since this is our final year in Utah.

Sometimes I do get nostalgic, especially when I look at pictures of my kids when they were littler, but for the most part, I am always excited to watch my kids grow up. I don't think it's sad and I don't really think "stay my babies forever." I usually think "Grow. Learn. Change. Do Amazing things. Live." A new school year always reminds me that they are doing just that. I'm happy with the people they are becoming.

first day of kindergarten

*this is an unfinished draft I decided to publish. I also added the picture today.

The kids started school today.

Katie had a great first day at kindergarten. Kindergarten! She was so ready and she loved her first day. In her words, "It was the perfect first day."  I don't remember having a hard time dropping my kids off at kindergarten. Today was no different. Katie was bright and happy but still calm. She is so ready for this new experience and I have always been excited for my kids to jump in, to start learning and growing. It hasn't been a sad experience for me at all.

getting off the bus

a decade later

Ana is 10.

10! A decade! Do you know how long that is? I mean, in another one she will be out of the house. Where has time gone? They say that you don't become an expert at something until you do it for 10,000 hours. Well, I have been parenting approximately 87,000 hours, so I should be an expert. Yet, I am so not.   I suppose its because kids change and grow and so your parenting has to, too.

It is an interesting process watching children through that changing and growing process. Some of it is painful (tantrums, sassiness) but when you step back and look at the big picture, it is always beautiful.

Ana is such a beautiful girl and we have had beautiful moments together.

Like the time a few months ago, when she saw some people begging by the Wal-mart near our house. When we got home, she got some money and then asked me to take her back so she could give it to them. She is always looking for ways to help people who have less.

And how she helps me with Charlie any time I ask. She is such a good sister to him. She takes him outside, plays toys with him, or tickles him. It is such a blessing for me.

I am homeschooling her next year. It has been something I have considered off and on for years, but always ended up sending her to school to "see what happens." Finally, after a tough year socially and academically, I decided it was time to do something different It will be an adventure for sure. We have been known to butt heads. We both are very reactive and high energy. Plus, I am building my own curriculum thanks to my teacher friends, the internet and the library so that will be crazy fun. But I am truly looking forward to having her home and spending time together.  She is fun and has big ideas and I really enjoy her independence and determination.

"To Live is to Change and Grow." She is changing and growing right before my eyes and I'm so glad I get to be her mother while she lives.

the day after independence day

This morning Katie and I were talking about talents. It's an interesting idea to talk to a 4 year old about because it's not something I quite understand. Is a talent something you are born with or something you develop? I think its a little of both. I don't think I could have worked hard enough to be a professional basketball player, considering I only grew to be 5'2". Anyway, Jack had said something about how you only can have one talent and it's the thing you do the very best. I interjected and said you could be talented in anything if you work hard for it. So, we decided a talent was something that you work at until you get good at it. Katie was satisfied with that definition so we started talking about the people in our families and what they do well. When I asked her what my talent was, she told me ....

Eating.

That's right. My 4 year old says I am a talented eater. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I do practice A LOT! And I thoroughly enjoy it. I can eat one handed. I can eat quickly or take my time. I have many styles and techniques. I can snack all day or stuff myself full. It takes dedication, and I am dedicated to my art.


In other news, we had a fabulous holiday yesterday. We had a neighborhood breakfast, friends over for grilled kabobs and hot dogs, and fireworks on the nearby golf course.

neighborhood breakfast. i really loved Ana's firework face paint.

who doesn't love this?

waiting for the fireworks with a gorgeous sunset.

I love America.  It is a physically beautiful place.  The red rocks of Southern Utah. New England in the fall. Hidden waterfalls. Wheel line sprinklers on a green field. A cactus rising above the desert. Beauty is everywhere.  There is beauty in its history too. Not all of it, but much of it is. I truly believe the ideals it was founded on changed the world for a better.  I love its diversity of perspectives and experiences and people. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have because of where I am from and for the opportunities my children will have as well.

God Bless America.

Land that I love.

Stand beside her, and guide her

through the night with a light from above.

it's a good time

Summer has arrived.

...sigh of happiness...

I love having the kids home. Pretty much everyone I talk to is all like "I have/want to have a good routine for the summer and the kids will do chores and homework" and I'm all like "yay! no routine! no homework!"

That's how we roll around here. But it's not like they sit around watching TV all day. They have chores (but it's more along the lines of "Ana, go pick up the living room" or "Jack, clean out the dishwasher") and they still read and play and whatnot. I love summer so much, though. Warm weather. Popsicle smiles. Running through the sprinklers. Going on hikes. And sometimes, sitting at home doing nothing.

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far.

*I turned 32.  I like being 32 so far. Actually, I love being in my 30s. I think it is my best decade yet. I actually feel like I totally like who I am. That I have talents and gifts. That I can do good things and make improvements and what not. It's very liberating.

*Jack turned 8 and then got baptized a few days later. It was a fabulous day and so far, I can tell he is taking his new responsibility seriously. Earlier in the year he was really having a heard time and I struggled to know what to do to help him. But he seems to have gotten past whatever it was and he has been wonderful lately. He also went to his first cub scout day camp and had a great time.

*Dave has had an easy schedule this month and it's been great to see him so much.

*We went on a family trip to Northern California to interview for a job there. It's a long story of how and why we ended up interviewing there, and I won't get into the details. But the town was delightful and gorgeous, the people were humble and kind, and in general we left with a very good impression. We still have a few more jobs that we are looking into, but NoCal was fun to explore a bit. It was beautiful. We even took a slight detour off of I-80 to go to Lake Tahoe and we loved every minute of the hour we were there. Okay, I didn't love pulling Charlie away. He was having too much fun throwing rocks in the lake and NOT being in the car. We also swung up to Rupert for a day to visit Dave's parents.

*Charlie is starting to talk more and more. It seems like it has taken him a lot longer than the other kids, but that might just be my imagination. This week along he started saying "some" (when he wants something) and he will sign please. He says "thank you" any time you give him something and it is adorable. He can be a little pill sometimes because he is busy and determined, but he has a charming smile that wins me over every time.

*Ana has been such a delight to have home. She plays with Charlie so much. I don't know what I would do without her. In general she is willing to do what I ask and she is so helpful. I'm going to homeschool her next year and I'm really looking forward to building that relationship.

*Katie is hilarious and as fun as ever. She is so ready for kindergarten. And this week she learned how to do the monkey bars. I am blown away by just how big and grown up she is getting. Today I was talking to her a little bit about being safe and what do if she gets lost, etc. After a few minutes, she said, "Mom, can we stop talking about this. I'm starting to feel a little sad." She has such a tender heart.

I love this life that I have. To quote Andy Dwyer (from Parks and Rec) "My whole life is a giant mess and I love it." That's pretty much how I feel. So if you stop by this summer, you will likely see toys in the yard, crafts of the table, dishes in the sink, and me doing the crossword puzzle while Charlie runs around in a diaper. You are welcome anyway. It's always a good time.