on having the fourth

I survived the first week with Dave back to work. Hooray!

I have been so nervous about having 4 kids. There were so many times leading up to Charlie's birth that I thought, "I am so far out of control as it is. Why am I having another child?"

Luckily, or more accurately, Providentially, Charlie is such a good baby. He is pretty calm and not hardly fussy. He sleeps great at night-only waking up to eat and goes right back to sleep. He has a pretty regular schedule of wake and sleep times during the day and he is pretty content lying on the floor, or swinging, or even being carried around by his biggest sister who dotes on him like no other. I feel good and am amazed at my energy-especially considering my complete lack of it my entire pregnancy.

Not to mention that we have been so well taken care of by our friends and neighbors. I do not think it is coincidental. God is aware of us and takes care of us.

The other kids have been adjusting well. I don't feel like we are having any behavior problems that have arisen. Of course, we definitely have our issues, but they don't seem to have been affected by the baby. He is just absolutely loved and adored by his 3 older siblings. Ana dotes. Jack beams. Katie smiles and loves, and mostly leaves him alone.

My mother - with her 9 children- often has said that after 3 kids, adding 1 more was no big deal. That going from 2 to 3 was the most difficult transition. Then I had Katie and with Ana in school and Jack being such a mellow 3 year old and adding Katie was no big deal. Then I was expecting #4 and suddenly I was hearing from so many people (including Jim Gaffigan) that 4 was the hardest.

But at the risk of sounding like a know-it-all mom, which I most definitely am not, I am going to say that having 1 child is the hardest.

Maybe it is because of who my #1 child is. And maybe it is because my kids are more spaced out than me and my siblings are, (after all, when my parents had #3, they had a 3.5 year old and a not-quite 2 year old. Yikes.) but having 1 baby is hard.

I was talking to a new mother the other day who is struggling feeling back to normal after having her first a few months ago. As we talked, she said something that really, to me, sums up having that first kid. She said that her confidence had been rocked because she feels like she has no idea what she is doing.

THAT is what makes motherhood so hard. We are all just fumbling along, wondering if what we are doing is "right." When we have that first baby, we go from confident and independent to being needed all the time by someone who can't communicate what it needs, only that it needs something. We struggle to figure out nursing and when to take a shower. We wonder if we should work or not or let them fuss or not or if what we are eating is making them gassy. And the thing is, even the most experienced mothers can only help so much because ultimately WE are the one with the God-given stewardship over this body and Spirit.

And in a lot of ways that confidence-shaking aspect never really goes away. Because now I have an 8 year old who is dealing with school struggles and a 6 year old who hesitates to try anything new or uncomfortable and a 3 year old who is full of energy and there are so many days that I think "I have no idea what I am doing."

Yet here I am with 4 kids. And I have found my groove in some ways. I have my way of doing things that may not look like my mother's way or my sisters' ways, or anybody else.  Newborns fill the house with a sense of Heaven and peace. It is a joy to watch the kids learn and grow. Katie says ridiculously funny things. Ana and Jack are learning and growing and there is nothing better than watching them develop. I am not here to say that it isn't hard. From the first to the last, each child brings immeasurable worry and immeasurable joy.

So it's okay if you are struggling with your 1 new baby or your toddler or whatever.  Just keep going. If life has seasons, this one is summer. The time when we work and sweat and the fruits of our labors seem far off. But Joy comes. Not every minute or every day even, but there is an overarching feeling over time that we are doing a great work.  The harvest will come and it will be sweet.

on sacrifices

I was sitting in my rocking chair, a sweet little newborn to my chest. He was dozing off and I was perusing the internet via phone. I came across an article - I can't find it now - that struck a chord with me. The gist of it was this: A woman shouldn't have to sacrifice her career to have a baby. The author noted the plight of the American woman in the workplace, including high cost of child care, inadequate maternity leave, and the tendency of women to hold back from promotions or other job opportunities because of family life.

Let me be clear on one thing before I begin: I absolutely believe that women and men should be treated fairly in the workplace. I believe in equal pay for equal work/experience and that people shouldn't be discriminated against simply because of their gender.  Also, I realize single mothers don't have an option of staying home and the cost of child care and other struggles can be especially debilitating in these situations. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

But let's get one thing straight:

Having a family requires sacrifices.

It just does. When you choose to bring a child into this world, you are choosing to sacrifice. For 9 months a woman gives up her body to house another living soul. After birth, a mother sacrifices sleep and time to keep this little thing nourished.  Every step of the way, we give things up. Late nights with friends are traded in for early bedtime. Fancy dinner dates are traded in for happy meals. Instead of buying new shoes for ourselves we are paying for piano lessons. The list goes on. And yes, our careers take a hit as well. Some of us choose to stay home instead of capitalizing on these prime career years. Some choose to work, but are passed up for promotions because of the time commitment. We all make sacrifices.

(Fathers make sacrifices too. A lot of dads pass up promotions so they don't have to move their families, or choose a career based on whether they can live close to grandparents. They, too, leave work early to attend concerts and basketball games. If a woman feels slighted because the bulk of the child-care responsibilities is falling on her shoulders, perhaps she should look no further than her husband, and figure out a solution that works for both of them.)

Anything worth having is worth sacrificing for. We give up time and money for an education. We go without stuff we want now for things we want in the future - like saving for a new car or a down payment on a house.

And nothing - no career aspirations or fancy cars or prestige - even comes close to this:

This is joy. Real, true, lasting joy. The kind of joy that is seeded in sacrifice and vulnerability and, above all, love and connection. To be a part of something bigger than yourself.

It is worth the sacrifice.

baby boy

One week ago this little boy entered the world.

I decided to be induced and from the time they gave me pitocin til he was born was less than 3 hours. It was quick. I would like to say it was painless, but my epidural only half worked. At least it was quick. My mom came down Wednesday night and took care of the kids while we were in the hospital.

 

 The kids and Granny came up to see the baby that evening. Nothing was sweeter than Jack holding his little baby brother and beaming. He was so proud that he was a big brother and that they were going to share a room and be buddies. It was such a tender moment.

I have so many kids now. It seems like a big jump to go from 3 to 4. Luckily Dave has work off for another week.  It has been so great having him home. Ana loves to help. She is always offering to hold him and change his diaper and feed him.

We came home on Friday. I couldn't sleep in the hospital. I just wanted to watch and snuggle my little baby. The first night home I could only sleep if I was holding him. For 9 months I could feel his presence and then suddenly, we were apart. I think I was having separation anxiety. I can sleep now though. With Dave home I am trying to get as much as possible.

Charlie is eating like a champ.  He nursed right away and hasn't had any problems since. We have also given him a couple bottles, just so he gets used to the idea.

There is nothing in this world better than having a sleeping newborn on your chest. This is my favorite way to nap.

Katie has been a great big sister so far. Just yesterday he was crying during a diaper change and she was by his side, gently patting him and saying, "Its okay. Your big sister is here for you." She loves being the big sister.

So far he is a sweet and mild little baby. The other day I put him on his tummy and he drifted off to sleep and slept for a couple hours. He is sleeping well at night and rarely fusses. I know he is just a week old, but we love the calm little soul that is now in our home.

I am amazed at the timing of everything with little Charlie.  I know God's hand is working in our lives. When we found out we were expecting, we didn't know what the paternity leave was like here or what rotation he would be on, but it all worked out perfectly. Dave got to take 2 weeks paternity plus his scheduled vacation is next week. We could not have planned it more perfectly. We have had an outpouring of love from all directions. Meals have been brought in, gifts, people taking Katie for a little while, and many more people who have just checked in to ask how things are going. It has been amazing. I am so grateful to know the Source of our abundant blessings.

I hope that Charlie grows up to be as smart and faithful and kind as the two men (Dave's uncle and my dad) that he is named for. We are so glad he is here!

reach out

I have written a lot about our wonderful friends that we had in Vermont. Our friendships with them was almost instantaneous. We were all far away from our family, and we needed each other. We did family dinners and swapped kids for date nights and went to the park. We saw each other multiple times throughout the week. We borrowed milk and eggs from each other. We called each other when we went into labor, or hurt our back and couldn't move or needed to vent or laugh or cry. It was a unique experience and I knew nothing like that would happen again.

My absolute favorite picture of some of my absolute favorite people on earth. May 2013

It is different here. I love our ward and neighborhood and all the wonderful people I have met. They are wonderful people who love God and are willing to help anyone who needs it. We had people willing to come over and watch the kids (or have the kids over to their house) during Dave's whole kidney stone issue and I have a list of people willing to come over when I go into labor. Everyone is amazing, really.

However, because most of those around us were born and raised here and all of those needs are filled by their family. At least, that is how it seems. So, I have spent the last 6 months feeling mostly unneeded.  Not like in a "woe-is-me" kind of way. More like in a matter of fact way. I have just gone about doing my thing and letting myself be wrapped up in morning sickness and kid stuff and Dave's crazy work schedule. But I suspect that, like me, there are those - someone I see at church once a week or walking their dog around the neighborhood - that actually do need something from me.

So my resolution for the year 2015 is to REACH OUT.  I want to focus on lifting others up and seeing their needs.

Now, I realize that it might take some time to get traction on this resolution of mine. After all, we are about to have a baby and I imagine I will mostly be staying home for a few weeks. So perhaps my goal should be first, to SURVIVE. Then focus on reaching out.

I always set resolutions, but truthfully, don't always do well with them. Last year held a lot of changes for us and so it wasn't a great year for keeping resolutions. I only made it Leviticus in the Old Testament. (Partly because after we moved I started teaching a different class so I had that material to study.) Once morning sickness hit all hope for a routine went out the window.  And though I still get snappy with my kids, I think I am improving (very, very slowly) at speaking more kindly.  But, lest I think I am a failure, 2014 was a year for growing a baby, establishing a new home, and supporting Dave. In fact, I think in the last one I could say it has been the best. I don't think Dave and I have ever been more in sync with each other. Our marriage is absolutely stronger today than a year ago. I am so grateful for him every day and all he does for our family.

 I still believe what I said last year about resolutions. As long as we are working towards something, we aren't failing. It is always good to have a goal in mind. Something to look to and reach for and climb towards. Giving up because we think we can't do it or because we tried and failed keep us from seeing the best things that life has to offer. So even if I set that resolution to speak more kindly every single year for 10 years, change can still happen. Sometimes it is slow and almost imperceptible. But we are always changing as individuals. It is up to us to determine which direction that takes place.

preschool

I wonder if when we say or think certain things God laughs a little. Or maybe I have always been quick to judge and form opinions and God wants me to stop it. I have put my foot in my mouth so many times. Like when I teased my roommate roommate's boyfriend about being from po-dunk Rupert Idaho. Ha! I love that little town.

I have come to another one of those times. I always swore that 3 was WAY too young for preschool. "They need to be home with their mom," I said. I didn't even like the idea of sending a kid to preschool at all. Ana didn't go at all. Though I did send Jack to preschool, albeit reluctantly.

And this week I sent Katie to preschool. At 3 years old. She still looks too tiny for it, but man she is ready.  After years of living right next door to her best friend, Kenzie, and always having a playmate in little Zach while I was babysitting him, the past 4 months she has been going through some social withdrawals. And while I am sure I am a fun playmate, I can't just play Go-Fish or Uno all day every day. And Katie is always right there with me. I can't walk out of the room she is in without her shouting (and I mean shouting) my name over and over and over and over until I come back in. And she even insists on sleeping with me - waking up almost every single night (sometimes more than once) to come and get me or get in bed with me. We need some space. 

She is a joy and so stinking adorable sometimes I just can't stand it. Like when she puts her hand over her mouth when she is giggling. Or today when she was getting out of the car for preschool and she said, "Thanks Mommy! Have a good day at home." But some time away is okay too. With the baby coming I think it will be so good for her to have her own thing to do and to feel like a big girl. She is a big girl.

She came home from her first day beaming with joy. I think we made the right decision.

january

I love January. After the celebrations of the Holidays, I love the chance to pack it all away and reflect on the goodness of God and the changes I want to make. ("The calm after the storm" as I recently heard it called.)

Last year was a roller coaster year - full of high highs and low lows. We had the excitement of matching in Salt Lake City and the sadness of seeing loved ones pass. Dave graduated from medical school and we left dear friends and wonderful Vermont behind. We have had the news of a new baby and Dave's kidney stone episode and much more. We miss our Vermont family dearly, and as we all spread out more and more I know it is the ending of a wonderful era of our lives. We will always look back on our time there with such fondness.  The year was an eternity and yet the blink of an eye.

We have tried the make the most of living close to family. We have traveled to Idaho for Thanksgiving and Grandma's Christmas Party/Dave's birthday and again for New Year's Eve. It has been so wonderful!

As per our tradition, we stayed home for Christmas. We played with Jack's new helicopter and read books and Ana painted and Katie flitted around the house and we all went sledding and played endless games of Uno.  I thought it might be weird doing dinner alone since we have done dinner with friends the past few years, but it ended up being really nice.

My favorite Christmas scenes:

New Jammies

Katie took her role as Mary so seriously. It was the most precious thing I have ever seen

Christmas!

Painting with her new art set

Love the new robe from Grandmas

Reading. I have learned since she got this book that she likes graphic novels. She has read it twice already.

Fresh Christmas snow. Hooray for a white Christmas.

This year hasn't been my best for writing. I haven't journaled or blogged much.  I want to keep doing it.  It requires stillness and forces reflection. It requires that I focus on the good (or at least the humor) in every situation. I don't want to be so consumed with busy-ness that I neglect my need for stillness and reflection. It seems a mother's day is a day of "hyper-vigilance" - managing crises and functioning in a state of urgency. Much of that comes with the job. Writing, reflecting, being still, and focusing on things that matter most often get pushed aside, to the detriment of everyone involved.

While I haven't officially made my list of resolutions, I know that they will involve more pro-action. More time to be still. More time to write down thoughts and ideas. More slowing down and simplifying.

The baby's room is ready, and so as long as he stays put until Dave is done working his night shift rotation, we will be alright.

Hello, 2015.

to sophie

I have started a couple posts over the last week but not much seems significant. About 10 days ago, Sophie Fellows, the 9 year old daughter of some good friends of ours, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She is at Boston Children's Hospital and today will be going in for a 2nd surgery. The first one was on Friday and they didn't quite get the whole thing, so they are going back in.

Often at Christmas we get caught up in the business of pressure of buying gifts and sending cards and going to parties and giving goodie plates to the neighbors and a million other things. There is nothing wrong with that. We want our children to have wonderful memories of Christmas and the "magic" that seems to hang in the air every December. We want them to remember traditions and feel love and happiness. We want to keep in touch with friends and reach out to those around us. 

What matters most is love. All those little traditions, when done with love, add to the Spirit of the Christmas season. It's when we forget why we do them that we lose that Spirit. I hope the Fellows family feels so much love from across the country this holiday season. They have already seen so many miracles and I will keep praying that they can witness many more miracles this Christmas. Mostly, I hope they feel peace from the Prince of Peace whose birth we are celebrating.

Simon Dewey's Prince of Peace

You can follow Sophie's story HERE.

behind the scenes

Last night I felt super frustrated as I glanced around my house. I felt guilt over the mess.  I was emotionally drained after dealing with emotional needy children all afternoon. I was tired yet restless. My body ached yet I couldn't sit still.

This morning I woke up and got to work. I was determined to make a dent in the post-traveling and pre-Christmas state that currently held my emotional sanity captive. By 11 a.m. I had folded all 9 batches of laundry and vacuumed my entire downstairs (even the stairs themselves) which, of course, had required that I actually clean up the floor, too. All while Katie watched Team Umi Zoomi and played "family" with me. (Which meant she called me Katie and pretended to go to the store and buy stuffed animals for me.) (And by the way, I always called that game "house" growing up.  Interesting.)

Then we lunched and showered and Targeted and Costcoed. The kids' came home and got right to work on their homework so that right after dinner we could go up to the Zoo to see the lights.

And now the kids are tucked in and my front room still looks like this:

Which is about what it looked like last night. And my kitchen isn't any better.

And I am okay with it.

Mothers worry so much about how we present ourselves, our children, and our homes to others. But we forget that the majority of our work is behind the scenes. It's in folding laundry, grocery shopping and paying the bills. It's in trying to teach a 3 year old that when you dump out goldfish, or water or a bag of buttons (or all 3 in one day) that they need to clean it up. It's in trying to get your allergic-to-everything baby to eat something - anything - besides breast milk. It's in reading to your children, even if it puts you to sleep, or letting them do a craft all over the kitchen floor because that's where you are. It's helping your kids understand their homework when they are struggling to understand it.  Though very little of what we do is seen, it is always important.

identity crisis

Katie isn't really herself these days.

She is anybody or anything else. 

Every day holds a new identity. 

Some of them are well-known. 

A Bee:

 Or Tinkerbell:

Some are more obscure.

A sword-wielding, sunglass-wearing, super-hero wal-mart shopper (?):

 

Sometimes she gets very specific.

Like Elsa WITH GLOVES:

 Rapunzel must have Pascal on her shoulder:

 And Fix-it Felix has Short hair because he is a boy:

Sometimes, though, she is just Katie. But she still needs a spin-y dress for all occasions.

Like eating breakfast:

Or drowning her sorrows in chocolate milk:

 (She was very distraught that her friends had to leave before she could share her bike and helmet.)

 

 

Or playing in the sandbox:

 

She keeps us smiling and laughing, that's for sure.

The only identity I object to is that of a spider monkey, but only because she insists on using me as her personal jungle gym. But she doesn't seem to be giving that one up anytime soon.

this week

Katie spelling with her blocks. OPS=Octopus. :)

I have been a little grumpy this week. I can't quite account for it.

It might be that Dave has had a few hard rotations right in a row that mean long hours.

It might be that Katie gets in bed with us every. single. night. and I am just not sleeping well.

It might be that I feel like I haven't been "caught up" on housework in about a month.

It might be because I don't have energy to do anything. And by no energy, I mean, I get winded going up the stairs, tired walking down the street, and the thought of folding and putting away the mounds of laundry makes me want to take a nap. (I found out at my doctor's appointment this week that I am slightly anemic. That may have something to do with it.)

It also might be that Katie is super clingy. Like, I can't leave the room she is in without her yelling calling my name incessantly until I come back. Clingly, as in, she insists on climbing all over me like I am her personal jungle gym at all times.

And, of course, there is the mommy guilt that makes me grumpy. The constant thought that: for heaven's sake, I'm not bedridden or throwing up anymore just get off the dang couch and enjoy these last few weeks with just you and Katie during the day and take your multi-vitamin and do I really need to check Facebook again?

Typically when Katie and I get home from walking the kids up to the bus stop (which is a 2 minute walk), I sit down and veg on my phone for a few minutes until I get the energy to get up. But this morning was different. For one thing, I was asleep before 10 last night. That is a miracle. Not because it isn't possible every night, but because I just don't do that. My body wants to sleep from 12-8. I usually don't feel ready to sleep until then. But everyone crashed last night and so did I. And Katie didn't get in bed with me until 5. That is 7 un-squished, uninteruppted,  blissful solid hours of sleep. She is still asleep, and I did start playing on my phone for a minute when I decided to study for my lesson on Sunday. Everything was still and quiet as I read the account of the First Vision. Then baby started kicking and squirming like crazy and it made me really happy. And I took a minute to enjoy him moving inside me and I felt very grateful.

I am so glad that this baby is growing and is healthy and will soon join our family. I don't feel nervous about it. I am just excited for baby snuggles and quietly rocking him in the middle of the night and watching the kids love him. I just know they are going to love him. The other day we were all watching a movie together as a family and he started kicking and all the kids felt him. They love him already.

I am grateful that, so far, I have handled this resident-spouse thing pretty well. I was nervous about how the stress would affect our marriage and our home but so far, I feel like I have been alright. There are definitely stressful days, but I have managed to deal with things pretty evenly so far. I am not trying to say how awesome I am. I truly think it has been a blessing from God.

I am also glad that, somehow, when I drove to Logan to see my awesome sister perform in a melodrama and Jack barfed all over the car and Ana's knee started bleeding and Katie peed her pants all in about a 30 minute period, that I was able to laugh about it. (It helped that my mom was there to pick up cleaning supplies at Wal-Mart for me since I had absolutely nothing in the car.) My sister performed beautifully, all my kids survived and loved the play themselves and I had a good nice chat with another sister on the way up and back so it was all worth it.

Life is good. Yes, it is challanging at times and, yes, I don't always handle everything with the calmness and grace that I aspire to, but, truthfully, it is good.

And now I think I will tackle the laundry.