when i grow up

I've been reading a lot lately. So far this year I have read 10 books (and 2 half-books.) I keep track on my phone of books I want to read and books I have read. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something instead of wasting time.

Here are the books I have read/listened to so far this year:

Man's Search for Meaning
Carry-On Warrior
What's Math Got to Do With It?
Freakenomics
It's Just My Nature and The Child Whisperer
The Selection Series
Rising Strong
Better Than Before (Currently reading)
Global Mom (I read half of it)
A Walk in the Woods (also half)


I'm noticing a theme. With the exception of The Selection Series, it is all non-fiction. Specifically its kind of research-based/self-improvement type. (Early last year I was on a books about racism streak: Boys in the Boat, The Help, Go Set a Watchman, The Invention of Wings, March - all fabulous.)  This I can't seem to get into a novel. Even by the end of last year I started into it with Simplicity Parenting and David and Goliath.

Over the last couple years I have been exploring the question "what do I want to do when I grow up?" I have thought about going back to school for Public Health or Sociology and Economics. I really want to go back to school, I just don't know what I want to study. Last night, while listening to Better Than Before, it hit me what I really want to do: I want to write.

This makes perfect sense of course. I have been writing my whole life. I have written regularly in my journal starting at age 8. I still have old "manuscripts" of stories that I started writing. (One about a set of twins named Vikki and Nikki.) I wrote poetry and song lyrics. Letters to friends and missionaries. I was on my high-school newspaper and loved writing papers in college.  I would practice my handwriting just so I could write something. Anything.

 Yet lately, I don't write much. Its been months since I wrote in my journal. I don't write much here, anymore either. But they say that you can hardly claim that you are a writer if you don't write. So, I am back here again, hoping for some accountability to begin writing again.

If I could do anything, it would be to write a book. I'm not interested in being a novelist, though I do love novels.  I love books about observation and data. The interesting thing is about the authors that wrote these books is that the majority studied something else in college.  Law, social work, psychology, economics, mathematics, etc. (And in Malcolm Gladwell's case, journalism).  But they all wrote eventually. I guess I don't have a good answer still to what I want to study in college at some elusive future date, but at least I know what I want to do.

And I can do that write now.

(See what I did there? Winky-face emoticon)

*post-script: while I wrote this, Katie covered herself her marker.

the saguaro

Last month we spent a week traveling down to AZ to see my parents and some friends from college and the Grand Canyon. Oh, it was fabulous and sunny.

We spent one morning in the Saguaro National Park near Tucson. The desert is not nearly as barren as cartoons make it seem. The landscape was peppered with bright yellow and purple flowers, barrel cacti topped with blooms, tall spindly bushes with bright red flowers on the tips like a paintbrush dipped in color, and of course, the magnificent Saguaro rising above them all. It was incredible and beautiful.

We took a nature trail lined with information about the desert ecosystem and we found it all fascinating. For instance, we learned the Saguaro provides shelter and nourishment for wildlife and defends itself very well once grown. But in its infancy, it will often begin to grow in the shade of a nurse tree until it acclimates to the desert sun and heat. As it grows, the nurse try dies, both because of its age and because they compete for resources.

After that, I found myself noticing over and over again how often a younger cactus was next to a smaller tree. The older ones too often had evidence of such a tree nearby. Suddenly, they became as magnificent and beautiful to me as the towering Saguaro itself.

 I, too, am sheltering, nurturing, and giving my all to the development of others. It is exhausting. I bear the brunt of the wind and the heat to protect them and allow them to flourish. It is often thankless. The nurse tree is hardly the subject of photographs and paintings and poetry. But it is noble. Like the great cactus, they will be an intricate and vital part of their community. They will stand tall with greatness. They will be able to withstand the heat and defend themselves against those that seek to destroy. And that wouldn't be possible without the sheltering, life-giving, nurturing, quiet role of the nurse tree by its side.

an unfinished draft

*I found this today (April 7) in my drafts. Its incomplete, but I thought I would publish it anyway. *

My perennials in my flower bed are blooming. When I open my kitchen window I can smell the hyacinths and it makes me so happy.

Dave has been on easier rotations the last few months. Saturday we took a family bike ride and played outside and went to the library. I love spending time with my little family. 

i can see it in your eyes

Today is laundry day. Which means we stay home and hang out in the basement while I pump laundry through the washer and dryer. So while I have been spending far too much time today dreaming of my dream house and texting friends, I thought I would use this opportunity to write.

I read recently that when we read we inhale, when we write we exhale. I've been holding my breath and this week I realized my need to exhale.

don't judge. it's laundry day

Katie is sitting next to me on the floor. She is playing playmobil. I love listening to her little guys talk to each other. I can hear her working out her perception of the world while she does it. She is such a delightful girl. She says funny and inspiring and adorable things. The other day were were joking around a little bit and I said something that wasn't true and she called me on it.

"Is that true Mommy?" she said.

I looked right at her and said, "what do you think?"

"No. I can see it in your eyes." I laughed and gave her a hug. She wants so much to do what is right. She is my peacemaker through and through. In Primary on Sunday, Jack was up at the front and on his way back to his seat she gave him a big hug. They are unacknowledged best friends.



Now Charlie is awake from his nap and is calling for me. But I did want to show my mother-in-law Charlie's and my new haircuts.  I feel like a new woman.

ordinary

Today was a lovely day. 

I (somewhat reluctantly) pulled myself out of bed at 6:15 and went to the gym to run. On the way home, the full moon was setting as the sun was rising and I couldn't resist driving up to the H-rock to see the valley for a minute. The tips of the western mountains were just beginning to shine pink in the rising sun. The street was quiet except for a few chirping birds. The sky was a beautiful shade of sky-blue pink. The moon glowed impressively. It was breathtaking!

It was also cold, and I had kids to get ready for school so I didn't stay long. 

I showered and got the kids up and ready for school. I should note that MOST days I do not shower before taking the kids to school. I usually do drop off in my jammies/yoga pants/workout clothes. Occasionally I will throw on yesterday's jeans, but really that's a stretch. But today I did shower because after dropping Katie off at school I had a haircut scheduled. That's right, my friends. I actually got my hair cut. The last time was right after Charlie was born. And he is a year old. So..... yeah. It was time. I like to think that this is abnormal, but who am I kidding. I always wait that long between cuts. Anyway, I love my cut. It is light and actually feels like my hair has a style. And I have bangs. I haven't had real bangs since the 8th grade, people.

Then I picked up Katie and Charlie and ran to the store and then met Dave for his lunch break. 

The afternoon was fairly normal: snacks, homework, Jack and Katie played, Ana practiced violin, then dinner and chores and now the kids are tucked into bed. But it just felt good. 

Most days lately I feel frazzled and wonder why things are not going the way I always imagined they would. Today was a rare day when I thought, This is what I always wanted.

It was normal. It was average. It was extraordinary.

Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

-William Martin

energy

Sun. Warmth, joy, light.

Stormy clouds move in, and swift

the wind whips. Rain beats fast,

then slower until the storm lifts.

What is the sky but a mirror?

The clouds circling, full of energy,

or a clear blue and calm.

From cold torrent to dog days lethargy

We expect sunshine, shame the storm.

Yet both are needed for growth in truth.

I see my soul in the darkened clouds.

Today's storm with yield summer's fruit.

I was obsessed with the sky on Thursday. I love the view of the valley as I drive Katie to school and the effect the sky had on the entire valley had me entranced. It was cloudy on the east side, but the mountains on the west were all aglow in the sunshine. My view of downtown also had it lit up. When I went back to get Katie the sun was trying to force its way through the clouds and I put on my sunglasses. But as I turned around and headed back home, the buildings of downtown were shrouded in darkness from ominous storm clouds above. Next thing I knew, the lights flickered on and off in our house, thunder and lightening began, and we got a downpour of snow. We got about 3 fresh inches. The sun struggled with the clouds all afternoon and it finally won just in time for sunset. The sky was a lovely pink and all was calm.

Dave says I have a "swirly brain." Boy, is it ever swirly lately. I can't concentrate on mundane tasks, so I fill my time with things that mimic the thrill of mental and social engagement, without the actual satisfaction - word games, social media, dollar bin shopping at Target, looking at house plans or houses for sale in random locations, etc.  I finish feeling just as empty. What I need is an Endeavor. A quantifiable goal that engages and satisfies my mind. Something that uses all this pent up energy and channels it into something worthwhile. I am like a fidgety child who needs to run wild a little bit every day so that I can return to my tasks with renewed focus and energy.

The sky reminded me of that this week.

baby steps

It started out as a normal Monday morning.

Okay, that's not quite true. Katie kept coming into our bed last night because she was cold, and Ana woke up at 6:30 and didn't feel well and wanted me to lay by her.

But otherwise it was mostly normal until I went to get in the car and the back door to our garage had been left open and the wind blew snow into it all night. And then the door to the car was acting funny and wouldn't shut tight so the kids were late for school. Jack hates being late so he refused to go in. I walked him to class (while Katie and Charlie waited in the car) and he still refused to stay. But Katie was also late for preschool so he came with me to drop her off and then finally I talked him down and we drove back to his school. Then it was grocery shopping and picking Katie back up and Charlie fell asleep in the car for 15 minutes and I had been home from the store not 5 minutes (just enough time to get everyone unloaded and in the house) when Ana called sick from school. So I went back and picked her up and then Dave came home from lunch and his car wouldn't start back up when he went to leave. (We jumped it and that worked.) So here it is, 2:00 in the afternoon, and Charlie won't go back to sleep and I have bread to make and a driveway to shovel, and on and on. Things don't always go as planned - both in life in general and in the day-to-day.

But I keep thinking back to the 5 minutes I spent trying to get Jack to stay at school. I was pushing and pushing and he pushed right on back. I got frazzled. He got upset. I was angry! Why did he have to make such a big deal out of this? He was 2 minutes late. It wasn't that big of a deal. He made it 10x worse by refusing to go into his classroom and running out of the school as soon as I let go of him.  But then I calmed down. On the drive back to his school, I said to him, "Jack, guess what. I hate being late too. Whenever we are late for church [which is far too often], I get so mad. I just like to be on time. So I get it. You can be mad and upset. But sometimes things happen. Sometimes Charlie gets a poopy diaper right before we leave and I have to stop and change him. Or we can't find kids' shoes or we just woke up late. Sometimes you just can't help it." After a few minutes he said he would go to school. When we got there I walked him in and he sat down and started reading.

Calm and compassion always win. I know that. I really do. Yet 9 1/2 years into parenting and still my first reaction is frazzle and frustration. I am sure I have passed the 70x7 number of times of repenting for that particular flaw of mine: React first, think later. But where the calm/compassion/validation response used to not even be on my radar, now it is my second reaction, so maybe, just maybe, I am making some improvement. Maybe in another 9 1/2 years it will be my first response. I think if I make it heaven, it will be because my kids are forcing Christlike attributes upon me.

Charlie is starting to be interested in walking. It's a game to him still. He'll giggle as he takes a few steps between us and we all clap for him and laugh at his success. He will stand up on his own in the middle of the floor sometimes and will let go and balance pretty well for a couple seconds. But he's still a crawler. That's me. I try to be like God. To be compassionate and patient. I stumble and fall a lot. Most of the time I resort to what is easier and what comes naturally. God is probably not too worried. He knows that it will come in time. It we be easier and easier as I practice. He is probably pleased with my efforts as I try little by little. But He also keeps giving me opportunities to practice.

I will learn one of these days.

one

I can not believe this little guy is 1!

The last year went so fast and yet he fits in so well into our family that it seems he has always been here.

Here is a snapshot of Charlie at 1 year old.

*He babbles constantly. It almost sounds like he is carrying on a conversation. He also says Dada (For Dad) Da (For Jack) Ananana (for Ana) Ma (For mom) and anytime he drops something or sees something on the floor or wants to be put down on the floor, he says "Uh-oh"

*His little personality is starting to emerge and it is BIG. He already has thrown a couple of temper tantrums and yells when he doesn't get what he wants.

*He loves to laugh and laughs easily when he is being played with. Tickles, silly noises, being tossed around (gently of course), and peekaboo are some of his favorite games. 

*He adores all 3 of his siblings and they adore him right back.

*He crawls super fast and has very little interest in walking, though he does try to stand up in the middle of the floor. We have gotten him to walk a couple steps in between us a few times, but he mostly just does it for the applause.

*He gets into the trash, unrolls the toilet paper, pulls books off of the bookshelf and generally likes to destroy things.

*He doesn't sleep through the night anymore. He usually wakes up once around 4 but goes back to sleep really easily. He is still hanging onto nursing before bed, though its only essential if I am putting him down. He doesn't seem to miss it if Dave does bedtime.


We celebrated his birthday with a cake and giving him his own cell phone. We're starting them young. haha! Just kidding. But really, we gave him a toy cell phone that is about the same size as mine and lights up when you press it. He makes a bee-line for my phone whenever he sees it and gets mad if I turn the lights off. He seems to like his well enough so hopefully it will help sway him away from mine.

I can't imagine life without our little guy.

weekend update

It happened in the front of the kids' school.

 I was there taking Ana her crutches she got for Christmas. (Yes, we gave our daughter crutches for Christmas. She loves them.) Her friend had hurt her ankle and Ana really wanted to let her friend borrow them. Ana called from the school and said that her friend was having a hard time walking and that it was okay with her teacher and everyone if she used the crutches. I told her "no" at first. I had a whole list of things I needed/wanted to do. But then I thought about how grateful I am for Ana's generous spirit and her thoughtfulness of her friend and how much I want to encourage that kind of behavior. And I thought about my New Year's Theme and how as part of "saying less" I want to really think before reacting and how I had not done that. So after questioning my parenting for a good 30 minutes, I decided to take her the crutches.

And then I wrecked my car.  I slid into the curb of the drop of lane and totally messed up the front wheel. It was undriveable. So I called my trusty insurance and a tow truck came and while they were pulling the van onto the truck it pulled the bumper off the front end. Not completely off, I guess, but enough that it looks really bad. We are now awaiting word from the shop what the verdict will be.

Sigh. In the words of my sister. "No good deed goes unpunished." Ha!

Saturday I went to the Temple and it was so grounding and peaceful. Then I spent the afternoon with my sister and some of her kids and we had a lovely time. And Dave had the whole weekend off (including today!) so that's been great.

Life sure is messy. We keep on trucking along.

thematic

In 2016 I resolve to:

SAY LESS:

*Don't just talk AT the kids. Make the words I say meaningful to them, instead of rambling and lecturing 
(Because I don't just want to talk. I want to say meaningful things.)

*Lower my voice. 
(Because things are loud around here.)

*Build relationships by listening and validating others. 
(Because what other people say is part of their story.)
*Be still. 
(Because not every moment should be noisy)

DO MORE:

*Run a 10k 
(Because I can.)

*Run up to the H-rock and watch the sun fill the valley. 
(Because the light-filling inspires me.)

*Read the entire bible straight through. 
(Because I never have.) 
*Read The Book of Mormon again. 
(Because it never gets old.) 
Focus on my theme while reading.

*Get rid of 40 bags of clutter. Donate it or throw it out.
(Because enough is enough.)

*Read, paint, sew, play, work, teach, study. 
In other words, DO THINGS.

It's going to be a great year.