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Jack requested that I sing to him the other night. When was the last time I had done that? When he was a little boy he used to make sure we did “all the things” every night: jammies, brush teeth, read stories and then scratch his back while I sang what he called “ little man.” “Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams little man. Oh my love with fly to you each night on angels’ wings.” He is a big kid now. He will be 11 soon. And by the end of the months he will be done with elementary school. My little baby boy was on my lap, my preschool boy was asleep in the same room, and I sang to my big kid.  How did this happen? When did that little toddler with impeccable speech become my serious big kid? When was last time I sat on the floor and played cars with him? Have we already done that for the last time? I have 3 little men now. And 2 little women. And before I know it they won’t be little any more.

on gratitude

We talk of "expressing gratitude." This Thanksgiving, I've had a difficult time doing it. Not because I don't feel gratitude, but because I feel so incredibly grateful and humble and blessed that I find no words do it justice. 

Saying "I am thankful for my home" feels so insufficient. I am grateful for my home. But it goes so much deeper than that. I feel incredibly humbled and thankful for where I live. My home, my neighborhood, my town, my state. Idaho is a beautiful, bounteous place. I love it so. And for the fact that I can be here. That we have means and opportunity and resources available to us.

I can say "I am grateful for my family" but it doesn't do it justice either. I cannot express the joy and happiness I felt this morning when Charlie came into my bedroom, where I was reading on my bed, and said, "Mommy, can you get me some break-frast?" in his little 2 year old voice. I cannot express in words how my heart burst when I dropped Ana off at a birthday party a few weeks ago and realized how beautiful her heart is. She was one of only two that showed up, and I stand amazed at her ability to see others, and be a friend to everyone. I cannot express my love for my husband when he works so hard, and is sometimes weighed down by his responsibilities, wondering if he is doing right by the little people that he is entrusted with each day. I cannot say even a part of what I feel when I think of my little family. 

Or my larger family. My siblings who are my best friends and my support system. We can laugh and cry together and are fiercely loyal to one another. My parents who raised me in light and truth. My gratitude for them goes beyond words. And for my friends who have been like family to me through the years and our journey. They still continue to buoy me up and help me along. I am so so grateful.

This year, as I have had a more focused scriptural study, I have learned so much about God. I have felt His love and His goodness. I cannot express my gratitude for His shining influence in my life. I have had moments of profound humility and gratitude. Moments that have rendered me (ME!) speechless. As much as I love to talk and think and write and read, sometimes there are just no words. 

In the Book of Mormon, Ammon meets his brethren along a road after their missions are complete. He expresses joy in their blessings. One of his brothers said to him, "I fear thy joy doth carry thee away unto boasting."  His response is one of my favorites in all of scripture: 

 "I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; ... for which we will praise his name forever." (See Alma 26:10-12)

There is so much to be thankful for. 

on reading

Most weeks Dave has a day during the week where he is home. Whether it is because he is post-call or working the evening clinic, or gets a weekday off because he is working the weekend, he is around a lot more while the kids are at school.

He doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Years of having NO time for yourself sometimes means you forget what to do with yourself when you have a chance.

I went to bed sick on Monday, and he was on call that night. He was up at 5 a.m. with a call and stayed awake. He let me sleep and got the kids up and going to school and took care of Charlie. After school I took the cub scouts on a field trip and Ana had activity days so he took the younger kids to the store for a bit. That night he said to me "I feel like I didn't get anything done today."

I knew what he meant. That is how I feel most days. All the things I do get undone by the end of the day or need to be done again the next day. Some days it feels like I don't actually do anything. Because the work of a housewife is so much easier than in the past, sometimes it feels like I'm doing nothing at all. I load a dishwasher, or a washing machine. But I don't mend clothes or make butter. I don't often have a "product" at the end of the day. And I certainly don't have any sort of expertise that people need.  It can be frustrating and lonely and depressing.

But, I have read 42 books so far in 2017. I've read non-fiction and fiction - religion, social sciences, young adult and children's lit and classics and poetry. Not all the books I read are great. (I call those my "treat" or "junk food" books. Books that are just fun and light and easy and enjoyable, but not really substantial.)

People ask me how I have time to read so much. Now, four of those books were audio books and another 12 I read out loud to Dave. (We started doing that about a year ago and have really enjoyed our reading time together.) So 26 I have actually sat down and read by myself. That averages to 2.5 per month. I don't think that is all that much truthfully. But even if it seems like it, I make time because I need to read.

I make time to read because I love it. I make time to read because it uses my brain in a meaningful way.  I read to be entertained, to escape, to explore, and to learn. I read to know I am not alone,* to know that I am connected to a larger, intricate world. In reading I understand myself better, I find compassion for others, and I learn about God.

I read because it accomplishes something. It cannot be undone. At the end of the day, when there are dishes in the sink, and laundry in the baskets and toys on the floor, (even though I washed dishes and folded laundry and picked up toys), I finished something. Or at least got closer to finishing something.  I learned. I grew. My understanding of the world expanded just a bit. That's worth it to me. That's why I read.


*this idea is based off of a quote from the movie "Shadowlands" about CS Lewis. "We read to know we are not alone." I watched that movie years ago and I think about that idea often.

i want to remember ...

... the conversation I had while walking the dog with Katie last week. She mentioned that people often tell her she is cute. I asked her if people tell her she is nice. "Yes." Friendly? "Yes." A hard worker? "Yes." "Good," I said. "I always want to hear that you work hard and are nice to people." She then said something that I think is really profound. "But, Mom, sometimes my feelings take over."  Yes, I thought. Sometimes my feelings take over too.

... Charlie requesting "Edelweiss" for his bedtime song and singing it frequently throughout the day.
(I have an adorable video of this, but don't have it uploaded yet.)

... Ana telling me that even though some people drift away from their parents as they get older, she feels like she is the opposite.

... that Jack always has friends coming over to play.

We are so lucky to have landed here.

catch-up

Hello, world. I have missed writing and remembering. There have been a million things going on in the last 4 months, but finally things have settled. We are in our new home. Dave put in the sprinkler system and sod and started work. He's really a doctor! I can hardly believe it. And yet, after the last 7  years, I can absolutely believe it.

Summer has been full of birthdays (Jack -9, Ana-11, Katie- 6), a wedding and a baptism, family and friend reunions, and a lot of driving. It has been wonderful and a little stressful and money-sucking and fun!

School starts in a week and a half and I am ready for a schedule and quiet but I'm not ready for fall.

Time flows and things change. I am grasping at sand as it flows between my fingers. I sometimes get a somewhat frantic feeling about it. Someone once told that the key is gratitude. And not just a "count your blessings" type of gratitude, but moments where you just look at your children and your life and feel gratitude and love for them. It helps. I am trying to look the children in the eye more often and see them and smile at them.

Jack turns 9

Jack digs a hole in our new yard

The view from our new neighbhorhood

Dave's last day of residency (with co-resident and friend Jacqui)

I really like our view

Ana turns 11

Harry Potter cake for our 11 year old girl

Vermont friend reunion in Utah

Eli Morey and Dave and John Hedges

Jessika Hedges, Sara Morey, Christy Clark and me.

Dave's first day of work at the clinic.

My parents and all my sisters at my niece's wedding.

Katie turns 6 at the family reunion

We are loving our new life in Idaho. Really and truly. It is so wonderful to finally be "settled." I will write more on this later.

a walk

Yesterday I took Charlie outside for a few minutes after lunch and before his nap. It had rained in the morning, but by lunch it was sunny and the weather warm. We began kicking the ball around with our dog, Ivy (did I mention on here that we got a dog?). Soon Charlie noticed that he could hear the garbage truck and we decided to leash to dog and go and look for it. We opened the fence and started walking up our street. Charlie's 2 year old pace was an exercise in self-control for our high energy mutt, but I didn't mind. He is particularly enamored right now with the multitude of firebugs that emerge during Utah's spring. He would stop and lay his tummy on the side-walk and watch them crawl around. He picked dandelions and tiny grape hyacinths that grow in the grass. He picked up sticks, which reminded me so much of his older brother at that age. Eventually we circled back to our house, and begrudgingly he went inside for his nap.  I don't know why this walk struck me as significant. It's not, really. Just an ordinary moment in an ordinary day full of laundry and dishes.

holy bondage

I keep thinking I need to "catch up" in order to write. I need to write about our trip to New Orleans and the fact that we bought a dog and a house the week we got home.

But I'm not going to. If the idea of doing it "right" stops me from doing it at all, then it is no longer the "right" way at all, is it. You know the adage "if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well." I disagree. "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing just barely." Not that we should pride ourselves on shoddy work, but there are a lot of things that are worth doing, even if we can't do it perfectly. We are imperfect people and the pursuit of perfection should not stop us from the good.



Today I want to write a sort of "stream of consciousness." Things I have been thinking and mulling over and it always helps me to write/talk it out.


In 3 1/2 months, Dave is done with residency. That is not very long. Our entire married life has been a series of stepping stones: Bachelor's Degree, a couple interim years, Med School, Residency.  It has been a wonderful journey so far. We have made dear friends and had so many wonderful, unique, meaningful memories. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been good. I think the most difficult thing about residency for me has been that it felt like a "waiting place." Med school/Vermont was an adventure.  This has been a time of long hours, a time of stretching myself (and often coming up wanting) and a roller coaster of emotions. And for my busy, energetic sense, it has felt like lethargy. Like I'm trying to get somewhere and I'm walking through mud and I just have to wade through it and there isn't any other way.  I have found myself living in the future way too much.

"When we get through this first year, then I'll be happy."

"When I know where we are going to move, then I'll calm down."

"When we get through this hard stretch, then things will be better."

"When we buy a house, then I can be present."

But, here I am, knowing exactly where we are going to move and I have found, much to my dismay that I'm still just waiting, still desperate to move on, still aching for some future thing. "How do I want to decorate my house?"  "How do I want to design the landscaping in the backyard."  "What do I want to study when I go back to school?" All of these future decisions keep me from living the moments right now.

At the same time, thinking of my decade old daughter and how middle school is looming and I'm all like "what? No! Time, slow down." My "early motherhood" years are slipping through my fingers like sand and the tighter I grasp the faster it seems to move.

These two things, seeming to contradict each other, taking up space in my head and heart and making me, frankly, dissatisfied and angsty and unmotivated. 

I heard THIS song and reread THIS poem this week.  They have, in some ways, reset my heart a bit. Holy Bondage. That is what I have chosen.  Someone said to me recently that the key to this contradiction in my head and heart is gratitude. I think she is right. Gratitude for the moments and experiences that I have today.

I am not there yet.  I still feel dissatisfied and angsty and unmotivated. But there have been moments where they melt away and I feel gratitude and joy.

And now, the laundry awaits.

catapults and privileges

Jack has a school project due tomorrow. They were supposed to build something using simple machines. He designed a catapult, and he and Dave built it. It works fabulously.  He is so proud of it.

Jack and his awesome catapult!

I guess some kids brought their project today. At dinner time Jack was telling us about how some other kids also did a catapult. "I liked their designs, but they didn't work as well." He then told us all about the other kids' catapults and what their designs were like and what he liked about them and what went wrong. He wasn't insulting them, just being honest. He was generous in his praise of their designs and structure.

I thought about how Dave was there to coach Jack on his design, to help him buy wood, to call our neighbor to cut the wood, and then to work side-by-side as they built it together. I thought about what would have happened if the project was due a few months ago when Dave was working so much we were all exhausted and what it would have been like if I would have had to do it with Jack. I thought about other kids whose parents maybe didn't have the time or inclination or skill to help them with each step. It made me grateful that my kids have such a great dad. Part of me felt guilty - that maybe he should have done it all on his own. But then I realized how much he learned by having his dad help him. Dave has a gift of perfection and precision (one that I lack) and Jack learned a lot about how to help it be more stable, and how to drill a little hole so that the screw goes in better and how to measure it just right. Those are all things he needed, and truthfully, I could not have provided it for him. In that moment I realized just how lucky we are.

And then we talked about it as a family. We talked about how so many people don't have the opportunities we have and I asked the kids what they think our responsibility is to those who are less fortunate. Jack's first thought was "don't brag." A valid point, for sure. We should be humble and realize that what we have isn't just because of our hard work, but of so many circumstances that we lucked into.

We talked about how we have an obligation to help lift and bless those around us. It is our responsibility.  Dave read from the Book of Mormon when Moroni wrote to Pahoran, scolding him for not taking better care of the people. "And now, my beloved brethren - for ye ought to be beloved; yea and ye ought to have stirred yourselves more diligently for the welfare and freedom of this people. ...  Behold, could ye supposed that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the exceeding goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you?" (Alma 60:10-11)  We are privileged and blessed, and "Because I have been given much, I too must give."

I don't know if the kids were paying attention or not, but it struck a chord with me. I hope to do a better job at teaching them how to be a influence for good in the lives of others.

two years

 Today were printed some pictures of Ana through the years for a project she is doing in school. We were looking at them and trying to remember what things were like when she was 3 and 4 and it was hard to remember.  It made me feel glad I wrote so much of it down, and also sad that I haven't kept that up because who knows but in another 5 years I will look back and think "what was Charlie like when he was 2?" I don't want to forget, but I probably will, so all I can do is take the time right now to write about it. And since Charlie just had a birthday, I thought I would start with him.

The past two years have flown by, really. I can't believe he is two already! We celebrated last Sunday with a piggy cake, and gifts and teaching him to say "TWO!" when someone asks "how old are you?" 



I was pregnant with Charlie when we moved from Vermont, though I didn't know it. We were not really anticipating have a baby in the first year of residency.  God must have known how much we needed him in our family. He has been the sweetest, easiest kid in the world. He was a calm baby, and a good sleeper and eater from the beginning.  As he has grown it has been more of the same. He has always been a good sleeper and eater. He is happy and easy and sweet. He took a bit longer to start talking, but now that he has started, he doesn't stop. He says everything. He is eager to learn - colors and shapes and names of things - and he picks up on it fast.

That isn't to say everything is easy. He gets stubborn and if he wants something there is NO distracting him away from it. And if you offer him anything but exactly what he wanted he will throw it. He also yells if his siblings start to bug him. (A habit I think he picked up on from his siblings.)  He is also small, which perplexes Dave. Most of his clothes are 18 month size. He's barely 24 pounds.

We bought two identical sticker books for Ana and Jack when we moved TO Vermont (almost 7 years ago.) They were 1000 stickers and each page had 8 or 9 stickers on it and each sticker has a very specific spot. The other kids used them occasionally, but Charlie has loved them! Finally this month he finished them off. We went on Amazon and bought the exact same one for him to do. He loves sticker books, especially if each sticker has a spot.  He also is very good at cleaning up after himself. (A habit he did NOT pick up from his siblings.) I am trying to capitalize on it now.  I want to remember that about him. I also want to remember how reverent he is when we say prayers and how much he likes going to nursery at church. I want to remember how he likes to eat "cado-cado" (avocados) and he says "Thank you" and "please" and asks to watch Daniel Tiger all the time.  He loves to color and paint and do puzzles.

Mostly, I want to remember his smile. He lights up a room with that grin. It happens quickly and easily and everyone loves him for it.

Here are some pictures from the last few months that I just adore.

horizon

When I was young, I lived in Virginia and was good friends with a girl named Annie. She was kind and fun. Her dad drove what I thought must be the coolest car ever (a red convertible Mazda Miata. I'm sure it was the nicest car I had ever seen.) and she had a big cardboard cut out of the Land Before Time in her basement. Her birthday party was the first time I went to Chuck E Cheese, and her name is listed as someone who came to my baptism when I was eight. We both moved away and wrote letters for several years. After a while we lost touch.

Enter Social Media. I think it's only redeeming value is the fact that it brought me and Annie in touch again after years of separation. Today she is just as kind and cool as she was when we were 8. She is also a very talented artist. She paints homes and communities and mountains. Last year, she did these pie charts where she explored how she spent her days.  Every November she does a painting every day for the month and the theme for 2016 was "Where will you go." It was a series of Horizons and I fell in love. They reminded me of her pie charts and I couldn't get this idea out of my head. This idea that daily acts and the lifelong journey are inextricably connected. And then day 20 she summed it up so perfectly, it went right to my heart.

"What sets our direction if not the things that make up our days."

I've thought about this so much. I've looked at how I spend my days and have wondered where I could do better.  Where do I want to go? Do I spend my time on things that will get me there?

So this is what I resolve in 2017: I resolve to spend my time on things that get me where I want to be.  Not just by the end of the year but the summation of a life. A life of choosing to be a student, a creator, a nurturer, a friend, and a disciple of Jesus Christ. That is where I want to go, and what I do on a daily basis is what will get me there.

So my goals this year are to that end - exploring how I spend my time. 

I do have some specific goals too. I am studying prayer in my scriptures this year. I have books on my shelf that I have had for years and I am determined to read 3 of them. And I have been doing yoga every day so far this year (except Sundays). I didn't set out for that to be a goal, but it has been really good for me. I am spending significantly less time on social media, too.

I don't anticipate 2017 being particularly easy, with the house-buying and moving and what not, but I think it will be a learning and growing and stretching year. It will be good.

(I bought this print from Annie and hung it up in my hallway. I love it so much!)