baby steps

It started out as a normal Monday morning.

Okay, that's not quite true. Katie kept coming into our bed last night because she was cold, and Ana woke up at 6:30 and didn't feel well and wanted me to lay by her.

But otherwise it was mostly normal until I went to get in the car and the back door to our garage had been left open and the wind blew snow into it all night. And then the door to the car was acting funny and wouldn't shut tight so the kids were late for school. Jack hates being late so he refused to go in. I walked him to class (while Katie and Charlie waited in the car) and he still refused to stay. But Katie was also late for preschool so he came with me to drop her off and then finally I talked him down and we drove back to his school. Then it was grocery shopping and picking Katie back up and Charlie fell asleep in the car for 15 minutes and I had been home from the store not 5 minutes (just enough time to get everyone unloaded and in the house) when Ana called sick from school. So I went back and picked her up and then Dave came home from lunch and his car wouldn't start back up when he went to leave. (We jumped it and that worked.) So here it is, 2:00 in the afternoon, and Charlie won't go back to sleep and I have bread to make and a driveway to shovel, and on and on. Things don't always go as planned - both in life in general and in the day-to-day.

But I keep thinking back to the 5 minutes I spent trying to get Jack to stay at school. I was pushing and pushing and he pushed right on back. I got frazzled. He got upset. I was angry! Why did he have to make such a big deal out of this? He was 2 minutes late. It wasn't that big of a deal. He made it 10x worse by refusing to go into his classroom and running out of the school as soon as I let go of him.  But then I calmed down. On the drive back to his school, I said to him, "Jack, guess what. I hate being late too. Whenever we are late for church [which is far too often], I get so mad. I just like to be on time. So I get it. You can be mad and upset. But sometimes things happen. Sometimes Charlie gets a poopy diaper right before we leave and I have to stop and change him. Or we can't find kids' shoes or we just woke up late. Sometimes you just can't help it." After a few minutes he said he would go to school. When we got there I walked him in and he sat down and started reading.

Calm and compassion always win. I know that. I really do. Yet 9 1/2 years into parenting and still my first reaction is frazzle and frustration. I am sure I have passed the 70x7 number of times of repenting for that particular flaw of mine: React first, think later. But where the calm/compassion/validation response used to not even be on my radar, now it is my second reaction, so maybe, just maybe, I am making some improvement. Maybe in another 9 1/2 years it will be my first response. I think if I make it heaven, it will be because my kids are forcing Christlike attributes upon me.

Charlie is starting to be interested in walking. It's a game to him still. He'll giggle as he takes a few steps between us and we all clap for him and laugh at his success. He will stand up on his own in the middle of the floor sometimes and will let go and balance pretty well for a couple seconds. But he's still a crawler. That's me. I try to be like God. To be compassionate and patient. I stumble and fall a lot. Most of the time I resort to what is easier and what comes naturally. God is probably not too worried. He knows that it will come in time. It we be easier and easier as I practice. He is probably pleased with my efforts as I try little by little. But He also keeps giving me opportunities to practice.

I will learn one of these days.

one

I can not believe this little guy is 1!

The last year went so fast and yet he fits in so well into our family that it seems he has always been here.

Here is a snapshot of Charlie at 1 year old.

*He babbles constantly. It almost sounds like he is carrying on a conversation. He also says Dada (For Dad) Da (For Jack) Ananana (for Ana) Ma (For mom) and anytime he drops something or sees something on the floor or wants to be put down on the floor, he says "Uh-oh"

*His little personality is starting to emerge and it is BIG. He already has thrown a couple of temper tantrums and yells when he doesn't get what he wants.

*He loves to laugh and laughs easily when he is being played with. Tickles, silly noises, being tossed around (gently of course), and peekaboo are some of his favorite games. 

*He adores all 3 of his siblings and they adore him right back.

*He crawls super fast and has very little interest in walking, though he does try to stand up in the middle of the floor. We have gotten him to walk a couple steps in between us a few times, but he mostly just does it for the applause.

*He gets into the trash, unrolls the toilet paper, pulls books off of the bookshelf and generally likes to destroy things.

*He doesn't sleep through the night anymore. He usually wakes up once around 4 but goes back to sleep really easily. He is still hanging onto nursing before bed, though its only essential if I am putting him down. He doesn't seem to miss it if Dave does bedtime.


We celebrated his birthday with a cake and giving him his own cell phone. We're starting them young. haha! Just kidding. But really, we gave him a toy cell phone that is about the same size as mine and lights up when you press it. He makes a bee-line for my phone whenever he sees it and gets mad if I turn the lights off. He seems to like his well enough so hopefully it will help sway him away from mine.

I can't imagine life without our little guy.

weekend update

It happened in the front of the kids' school.

 I was there taking Ana her crutches she got for Christmas. (Yes, we gave our daughter crutches for Christmas. She loves them.) Her friend had hurt her ankle and Ana really wanted to let her friend borrow them. Ana called from the school and said that her friend was having a hard time walking and that it was okay with her teacher and everyone if she used the crutches. I told her "no" at first. I had a whole list of things I needed/wanted to do. But then I thought about how grateful I am for Ana's generous spirit and her thoughtfulness of her friend and how much I want to encourage that kind of behavior. And I thought about my New Year's Theme and how as part of "saying less" I want to really think before reacting and how I had not done that. So after questioning my parenting for a good 30 minutes, I decided to take her the crutches.

And then I wrecked my car.  I slid into the curb of the drop of lane and totally messed up the front wheel. It was undriveable. So I called my trusty insurance and a tow truck came and while they were pulling the van onto the truck it pulled the bumper off the front end. Not completely off, I guess, but enough that it looks really bad. We are now awaiting word from the shop what the verdict will be.

Sigh. In the words of my sister. "No good deed goes unpunished." Ha!

Saturday I went to the Temple and it was so grounding and peaceful. Then I spent the afternoon with my sister and some of her kids and we had a lovely time. And Dave had the whole weekend off (including today!) so that's been great.

Life sure is messy. We keep on trucking along.

thematic

In 2016 I resolve to:

SAY LESS:

*Don't just talk AT the kids. Make the words I say meaningful to them, instead of rambling and lecturing 
(Because I don't just want to talk. I want to say meaningful things.)

*Lower my voice. 
(Because things are loud around here.)

*Build relationships by listening and validating others. 
(Because what other people say is part of their story.)
*Be still. 
(Because not every moment should be noisy)

DO MORE:

*Run a 10k 
(Because I can.)

*Run up to the H-rock and watch the sun fill the valley. 
(Because the light-filling inspires me.)

*Read the entire bible straight through. 
(Because I never have.) 
*Read The Book of Mormon again. 
(Because it never gets old.) 
Focus on my theme while reading.

*Get rid of 40 bags of clutter. Donate it or throw it out.
(Because enough is enough.)

*Read, paint, sew, play, work, teach, study. 
In other words, DO THINGS.

It's going to be a great year.

homage to 2015

The new year is upon us.

2015 was quite the year.

Here are the happy highlights:

January: Our little Charlie was born. I can't imagine life without him.

February: We stayed home, sanitized our hands, and snuggled our baby boy.

March/April: California trip to see our amazing friends.

May: Dave and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary! And I turned 31, which was a big deal for me because it was my golden birthday and I had looked forward to it ever since I was a little girl and heard about Golden Birthdays. (It's when you turn the age of your birth date.)

June: Jack had his golden birthday and finished up baseball.

July: We spent the entire month in Idaho.

August: We tried to squeeze in as much summer stuff as we could.

September: An amazing visit from our awesome Vermont family.

October: Amazing trip to Arches National Park. Also, Star Wars Halloween!

November: Hosting my first ever Thanksgiving with my lovely sisters. (Also, I read the last 3 Harry Potter books in 1 week. Don't judge.)

December: Awesome Christmas celebrations.

These are the happy things. Sandwiched in all of that was Dave working like crazy,  the big kids' constant bickering, a lot of raised voices, and  Charlie getting 3 ear infections and learning how to get into everything.  And I went through a grumpy phase. (I think it was caused by, among other things, all the turmoil and angst I saw on social media that somehow seeped into my soul. ) (2015 was messed up on social media, amiright?)

I tried to stay focused on my goal to Reach Out. One thing I incorporated this year was reading that theme in my scripture study as well. It was so enlightening to me. There were times when I was really diligent about serving others and times when I wasn't. I will say this, it saved my sanity this year. The times when I focused on service were the much happier times in my year. I felt good. I felt productive and proactive. I felt like I was making a difference. In the busy-ness of the end of the year it seemed to fall by the wayside and I felt a difference.

And now I look forward. My love for New Year's resolutions is well-documented. It feels like a clean slate and fresh start. And I feel really good about my theme this year. But that will have to be for another day. Because it's midnight and tomorrow is back to the grind.

Here's to a New Year!

christmas

Sometimes I fall into the trap that if I don't take a picture then I can't document it. Because who wants to trudge through my wordiness without the reward of my cute kids' faces.

But I don't take too many pictures lately and Christmas was no different. I took, like, 2 pictures. And you are about to see them.

But it was a fabulous week. First of all, my youngest sister invited me to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert and it was fabulous. It made me happy being there and I was glad her 3 other friends couldn't make it.

Dave had 4 days off and it was lovely.  There were lots of tickle fights and laughs and cuddles and movies and treats and much more. Ana got a kindle, which she was not expecting at all. Jack got a Lego set he's been eyeing for MONTHS. (The Lego City Space port) Katie got new additions to her dress up collection and a bike basket and Charlie got overwhelmed by everything. (And a ball.)

This was the only picture I took of the day. This is Katie with her new blanket from Grandma. She loves it.

Dave got me some paints and Ana and I have been having fun!

Add caption

While the holidays are always filled with laughter and fun, I tried to focus our family on the reason we celebrate Christmas, Jesus Christ's birth and life. We read scriptures and stories often to remind us of that reason. There was one night during family prayer when Jack asked that we remember Jesus during Christmas. I felt the Spirit during that moment and was so grateful that perhaps a little bit was sinking in.

It was a happy Christmas.

old emails and happy thoughts

If my email inbox is indicative of my life, then I am a giant mess. I just spent an hour deleting almost 1500 emails. Most of them were old newsletters, coupons, or book/play/planning-group stuff.  I really need a better organization system I guess.


But there were a few worth saving:

Words of encouragement from a sister.

A note of love from a friend (or 2).

A poem I had written in 2003 that my mom found.

An invitation Ana had made a few years ago to invite friends to a church activity.

Photos of my kids people had emailed me.

Through all the mess there was interspersed happy thoughts and memories. (And a few tears too.)

Such is life I guess. We trudge through the mundane and check off to-do lists and sometimes get bogged down by the ordinariness of life. But the extraordinary is in there. It may be hidden or tucked away. And maybe sometimes we throw it out with the rest without realizing. But it is there. If we take time to remember those moments of extraordinary beauty, we can see it. The more we give of ourselves, the more we see it reflected back to us. In our children, our friends, our families, even in ourselves.

So maybe Sacrament Meeting today included kids sprawling on the chairs or crawling up the aisles. And maybe dinner tonight consisted of ramen noodles and scrambled eggs. And maybe a certain kid refused to go to bed because the sheets were too cold and there was NO WAY they would warm up and I had to bribe said kid with a quarter to get into bed with the promise to report back to me in the morning on the sheet temperature. And maybe Charlie won't sleep well tonight and a million other little things. I will keep wading through it all. The joy, the extraordinary, the thing worth saving and remembering, is in here somewhere.

don't worry, be happy

Isn't December a sneaky month. It always seems to show up on my doorstep and yell "surprise." Time seems to inch forward some days, but I blink and the weather is cold and Christmas lights go up. I just want to sit around a read books. Sometimes I think I don't read hardly at all, but I actually sat down and made a list of books I have actually finished  this year and it was more than I expected. The first part of the year it seemed many of the books I read were about race in one way or another. I reread the Harry Potter series. I read books for book club that I really enjoyed and I also read a couple of parenting books. I particularly liked one I read called Simplicity Parenting.  It was while reading this one that I realized something about myself that I didn't notice before.

I worry a lot.

I never really thought of myself as a worry-er. I am generally a go-with-the-flow, up-for-anything type. But as a parent, I worry.

Are they doing good enough in school?
Am I teaching them what they need to?
What is the deal with this bad attitude?
I don't know what I am doing.
If I let them get away with this then they will be spoiled for life.
I need to do ______ better or they will never ______.
If I do that then other parents will judge me.
If they do that then they won't have any friends.
Am I doing all I can so my kids can be extraordinary? so that they can be happy?

My worry defines my parenting.

I don't want it to. It is exhausting and it saps me of joy and happiness. It is driven by fear and doubt and ingratitude. I've always considered myself a person with strong faith, yet my actions and attitudes towards my kids portray a lack of faith - in myself, in them and in God.

But I want JOY to define my parenting. Real deep meaningful joy. And Joy only comes when we allow ourselves to fully commit to the moment we are in. I forget sometimes that the way to teach my children to have faith is by having faith IN THIS MOMENT that God will guide me each step of the way and that he can guide them too.  The way to teach them happiness and kindness is by being happy and kind even IN THE MOMENT when they are acting in unloving ways.

I've had some interesting experiences with Gratitude lately and I feel like that is the key to unlocking the Joy now.  And I don't mean gratitude in a "count your blessings" way, but gratitude in the moment. What does this moment show me about God's love?

I hear a Charlie waking up from his nap and Jack and Katie playing the Mario Brothers. Ana is at a friend's house. It isn't a perfect moment. Jack is annoyed that Katie keeps dying. Charlie is sick and hasn't slept much the last few days. But I can choose to see God's love in it.

Time to step into the moment, worry free.

thoughts on parenting and God

*Both of my kids have nightly homework. My 4th grader, who has to work a little bit harder to understand certain concepts and to read fluently, is required to sit and finish her homework. Then I go over it for mistakes and she redoes the problem until she gets it right. I often will read the instructions to her out loud because it helps her understand what is being asked. I also have her read aloud to me several times per week. This isn't because she has made bad choices and I am punishing her (though sometimes she views it as such). It is simply because her circumstances require it. My 2nd grader, on the other hand, is different. The academic portion of school comes very easily for him, but as a little introvert that he is, I recognize the need for him to have more down time. I set the timer for 20 minutes and as long as he is working diligently, he can be done with his homework when it goes off. He reads every night too, but mostly to himself after he goes to bed. It may seem that I am partial to one child. It may seem that I am punishing one child for something that isn't her fault. But as the parent, I have a deeper understanding of the needs of my children, and I require different things because of it. That being said, the standard is the same: they must learn reading, writing and arithmetic. That won't change, even if my homework policy seems inconsistent.

*Charlie, after being a fabulous sleeper from day 1 and sleeping through the night for the first 6 months of his life, starting waking up 2-3 times a night and I had to nurse him back to sleep. So, we are having him cry-it-out at bedtime. Every few minutes we go in and check on him and comfort him. The first night it was torture. The 2nd was slightly better. But by last night (night #4) he fell asleep after only 15 minutes and slept all night long. Despite having 4 kids, this was a new experience for me. I let Ana cry in the night once and after that she slept all night. When I tried it with Jack he would scream so hard he threw up and I couldn't do it anymore. Katie was such a snuggly nurser that I got a lot of joy and satisfaction of nursing her to sleep and I brought her to my bed if she woke up in the night. It wasn't a big deal. Our particular circumstances allowed for that, so it worked. But with 4 kids and Dave gone a lot at bedtime, I simply can't spend 40 minutes nursing Charlie to sleep and anyway a lot of times he doesn't fall asleep nursing. Of course, I love all of my children the same. I don't love Katie more because I rocked her to sleep or love Charlie less because I don't. Different circumstances call for different actions. I love all my children.

*My kids love to watch this one channel on TV that has some ridiculous "as seen on TV" commercials. It is a kids' station, so all of the things are geared towards kids. They are always asking for the stuff. In fact, I think 95% of my interactions with my kids is them asking me to buy them junk. Of course, I don't just give in. They are harmless things, perhaps, but certainly giving them everything they want when they want it isn't the best way to raise them. Sometimes I will give them a treat at the store or let them earn a toy from the dollar store. But I certainly don't let them eat candy for breakfast or spend all day watching TV or let them hit each other, even if they say I'm mean and unfair and I must not love them.

*Being a parent has taught me so much about the way God works in our lives. He is, after all, our Heavenly Father. He is a father, first and foremost. He knows us. He knows our needs, as individuals and collectively. I don't pretend to be a perfect parent. I don't always act in the most Godlike ways and many times I question my own methods. But I do love my children in a way that is perhaps a shadow of the way God loves us. We don't always understand his methods. We may think his standards are too high. We may not think it is fair that we have to work so hard when others seem to have it easy. We probably cry in our beds and wonder where he is, when what he is doing is teaching us an essential lesson that will help us eternally. Are 95% of my interactions with God asking for things? Maybe even things that the world has packaged to look enticing or harmless or fun or even good, but that are not eternally good for us.

*These 3 scriptures have come to my mind a lot lately:

*Ephesians 4 :14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

 15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

*1 Nephi 11: 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

*Proverbs 3:  5 ¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

i love candy

I have a love-hate relationship with Halloween. I love dressing up. I love making my kids costumes. And I love, love candy. But I don't really love scary things. And I don't love having candy in the house. Well, I do, but I know I shouldn't eat Butterfingers for breakfast and that's what I end up doing. 

My favorite part is making the costumes. I honestly get a lot of creative satisfaction out of it. Late September, Ana came home declaring that she wanted to be Darth Vader for Halloween. Up until this point, Jack had wanted to be Mario, but we convinced him to instead be Luke Skywalker and all we had to do was tell Katie she was a princess and she was sold.

A few weeks ago we watched Star Wars: the original trilogy with the kids. They loved it! The entire movie, every time Princess Leia came on Katie said "There I am." Or whenever a storm trooper got shot she said, "You died, Mom." It was kind of hilarious.

Truthfully, Charlie wasn't thrilled about wearing a hat. Usually he pulled it off right away. But if I gave me a cracker or something right after I put it on, he sometimes forgot about it long enough to take a picture.

He also got to eat a sucker for the first time and this made him happy. (Remember how Ana didn't have a sucker until she was 18 months old and I didn't let anyone give her candy? I guess that's the difference between your first and your 4th kid.)

Star Wars was a popular theme at the elementary school parade this year. Jack's friend in his class was also Princess Leia.

Dave and I decided to join in the costumes too. Ana really wanted someone else on that dark side, so I went with a storm trooper and  Dave went as Obi-Wan Kenobi

I spent most of the day on Halloween finishing up costumes. Jack wanted to carve pumpkins. He finally got impatient enough that he did his all on his own. Then when Dave got home he helped the girls with theirs. And then I couldn't find our tea lights so I used birthday candles and they smelled funny. But, hey, at least we carved pumpkins. And I sort of love that Jack did his by himself. He traced his pattern, cut off the top, scooped out the guts and everything.

The kids made out like bandits. We have so much candy in our house. Seriously, its ridiculous. Ana keeps asking me if I will buy all hers for $50 so she can buy a Kindle. (Um... no.) She did save her Reese's Pieces and Almond Joys for me and her Reese's PB cups and other good stuff for Dave. Gotta love that generosity.

So another Halloween is in the books. Next year Jack says he will be Mario for sure and he wants Charlie to be Luigi. We'll see if he stays with it.