....Dave is home after finishing all of his 3rd year rotations. Coming up: studying for USMLE Step 2 and a rotation in SLC, during which we will all be traveling home. Yay! I somehow spend significantly less time on the computer when Dave is home. I don't know if it is because he is using it, or if I just want to prove my productivity (since the cleanliness of our home clearly doesn't prove that). Either way, we are here, hanging out together.
....I am spending a lot of time reading our book club book: The Gift of Fear. Very interesting and empowering.
....Katie had her 18 month check-up. She was approximately 22 pounds, (we couldn't get an accurate reading because she was screaming during the weigh-in, which really caught me off guard because she is generally a happy kid) and as soon as her diaper was on and she was let down off my lap, she put her clothes back on. She also eczema.
....I have been up in the night with a certain toddler. For whatever reason, she just isn't sleeping well lately. And her hair is permanently crusted in food. And her favorite word is "mine" or some variation like "MY cracker" or "MY seat" or whatever. But she is adorable and smart and generally happy.
*I do not actually swear or talk about swearing in this post. Just thought I would mention that
This has been mulling around in my mind for a while now. I've talked about it to several people, and in fact, the kernel of the idea came from something one of my sisters (was it Kelli or Karianne?) said to me months ago. I was lamenting some thing or other, probably housework, since that is my #1 lament, and going on about how I "should" do this or that, when something she said stopped me in my tracks. Essentially, it was:
"Should" is a 4-letter word. Either do it because it is important right now, or don't worry about it.
This thought has transformed the way I think about my tasks. So often I catch myself saying, "Oh, I should organize my life." Or "I should change my routine." Or "I should be doing the dishes." Or "I should not let my kids watch so much TV." Or "I should be more like so-and-so who does whatever perfectly." The list goes on and on. I see other mothers around me who do things differently than I do and somehow think that the way I do things isn't good enough. That I should be doing some different thing than whatever I am doing in the moment. Sometimes my list is so full of "should-dos" that it distracts me from really living in the moment, especially with my children.
The truth is, we can't do it all. In Relief Society this week, we watched this video:
It was a fabulous reminder of all the things we have access to - particularly spiritual things - that we don't take advantage of. Yet, as I sat there in that meeting, the thought occurred to me: Even if that man knew what was available to him, he could not do it all at once. He would have had to choose the best and wisest things to participate in.
I cannot do it all. Perhaps I could do more than I do. Perhaps unimportant things distract me from essential things. Even still, there are so many wonderful things I can choose to do, and for every "yes" to one thing, it is a "no" to another. Instead of getting caught up in the shoulds, it is okay to just say, "No, I am not going to worry about that."
I will never forget the day I brought dinner to a friend who had just had her newborn baby. She was telling me she wasn't producing enough milk and her baby was crying and she didn't know what to do because everyone told her breastfeeding was what she should do and yet it just wasn't working out. I told her that the best thing for a baby is a happy, loving mother and if bottle feeding will give him that, then don't worry about it. She gave me an enormous hug and through tears said, "thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that." It seems that, more than any other group, mothers are always comparing themselves to other mothers. We are always fighting for validation that our choice to breastfeed (or not), or cry it out (or not), or homeschool (or not) or work (or not) is the "right" choice and the one everyone "should" do.
I want to start a challenge to get rid of the shoulds. To stop comparing
what we are (or are not) doing with what other moms are doing. We can't
do it all, but we all can be loving, happy mothers in our own way.
That's what our children need anyway.
I have a couple posts sitting in the drafts because I didn't like how they came out of my brain. I feel a little foggy up there and I can't seem to form coherent sentences.
Having Ana home last week was wonderful. She was full of life and happiness (after she got over the barfs) and even when Friday was a totally disappointing day for her, she still managed to keep herself together. (That makes one of us.)
Last Thursday night Dave and I went to see They Might Be Giants in concert. Weirdly enough, I was nervous. I have only been to a handful of concerts and they were all country and that was 10 years ago, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Plus, I wasn't sure how well Katie would go to bed for the babysitter, and that made me a little extra nervous. Everything was great, though and we had a lot of fun.
Although I get annoyed and grumpy and frustrated at him at times, the man I married is such an example to me. His confidence, his calmness, and his ability to live in the moment are such a complement to my self-doubt, intensity and anticipation for the next thing coming. He teaches me so much. And the really wonderful thing is, he loves me just exactly as I am, from my most serious to my silliest moments, he accepts it all. I love him a lot. So do the kids.
Katie is started to exert her 18 month old will. She wants to pick out her own clothes. She doesn't want to wear a diaper or get dressed in a timely fashion. She says "Mine" about everything that her little buddy, Zack touches. And she doesn't sleep. If she naps past 3:30 pm, she will be up till 11. If she wakes up in the night she is up for at least 2 hours. She screams and screams if I put her in her bed awake, which is turning into screaming when I am rocking her prior to putting her in her bed. I am wondering if she is ready to give up naps. (Ana did at 18 months also.) But driving kids to and from places isn't very conducive to cutting out naps. So, I'm trying to figure it out.
Despite her lack of sleep, she is pure smiles! The other day, Ana was crying at bedtime. Katie and I were downstairs and Katie looked at me with concern in her eyes and said, "Ana sad." Then she perked right up and said, "Loves" and crawled off my lap to go give Ana a hug. Every time we pick Jack up from school she says, "Jack" and runs over to give him a hug. She is so cuddly and sweet, except at bedtime.
So, what are we doing to occupy ourselves on these cold, wintery days? You can bet it involves making a mess.
Zach is the king of mess-making. But we love having him around.
This project was slightly more frustrating than we anticipated, but he was still happy with result
Katie and Zach like to pull all the toys out of the locker to play.
Today I gave Katie some beads and a pipe cleaner. She liked the project, and didn't object when I went upstairs to shower.
Ana has this week off of school, but our fun has been slightly curbed due to colds and Ana's stomach bug. Hopefully we can see the sunlight at some point this week. I do love relaxing at home though. That is priceless!
Now is the time when Dave actually should have an answer (more or less) to the question, "What kind of doctor do you want to be?" I mean, besides, "a good one." 4th year is the time when you set up rotations based on what you want to do and where you want to go for residency, which we apply to in September. Rotations start in April, and he is getting them all set up right now. I can't even tell you how many times we've talked about what we want to do and where we want to live and what residencies we're interested in.
Because of that, it is really hard not to get a little "trunky." A little anxious to know where we are going, for residency and beyond, and what life will be like for the future, and a little restless to get there. Plus, it is February. And February is hard.
We love Vermont and the friends we have made here. When I really stop to think about it, I know that I will miss this place so much, just like I miss my friends in the other places we have lived. Each time we have moved away, I have said, "I want to move back here someday" and I am sure I will say the same about Vermont. I need to focus on living in the present and making memories here.
But still, it is February. And February is hard.
Ana is taking ice skating lessons and loving it!
Just one of those things to keep our sanity here in the
Every once in a while, things in my home just feel right.
Monday night was one of those times. It was a quiet evening. Ana
requested a math worksheet to do. Jack helped me do the dishes. Katie
sat in her high chair happily eating/bathing herself in yogurt.
It was a perfectly ordinary and perfectly happy evening. I am so glad I get to be a mother.
I do math problems in my head when I run. I analyze everything and notice patterns and like to chart and graph things. Yesterday when my kids asked me how many Empire State Buildings would lay across the state of Texas, I was actually excited to figure it out. And I also did Vermont, too, while I was at it, even though the kids had mostly lost interest.
The funny thing is, it has been a very slow realization just how much I like math. Despite the fact that my favorite class in college was epidemiology (health statistics), up until the last year or so, I not only thought I didn't like math, but I thought I wasn't good at it. Which is weird, because I do like it, and I am good at it.
So that got me wondering why I had such a negative view of math all of my life. In a conversation I had with Dave a while back, I realized that I had a few specific, math-related, negative memories of my schooling. Like Pavlov's dog, those experiences made me associate math with negative emotions. But the icing on the cake, I believe, was during the year I took off before college when I took an independent study college algebra class. I didn't do well, and I didn't finish the course. And from then on I thought that math was a weakness.
Looking back now, I can see that it was all a big misunderstanding. The real problem with that independent study class was not math; it was my reading comprehension. Even though I had issues on reading tests all through school and even though it was my lowest ACT score and even though I read most of Pride and Prejudice once and had no idea what was going on, I loved reading and so I never even realized that reading was a weakness. For years I confused one weakness with another. So I didn't do well in an independent math class because I had a hard time understanding what I was reading.
Perhaps this is all a very convoluted. But, I think I have done that with more than just school subjects. There are other areas in life where a weakness in one area has made me believe that I had a weakness in another. I often confuse my lack of organization or my passionate, intense personality with my mothering skills, thinking that if I can't possibly be good at mothering if beds weren't made every morning or if stacks of papers littered every flat surface in my home. But my weakness is organization does not mean I am a bad mother. In fact, not only do I love being a mother, but I am good at it. (Not perfect, but still good.) I enjoy my children. I read to them and snuggle them and kiss them and make them cookies and 100 day shirts for the 100th day of school. I do what I can to help them be happy and healthy and loving. And I am constantly striving to be a better mother.
Ana really wanted a 100 shirt for the 100th day of school.
That being said, realizing that I didn't have great reading comprehension didn't make me stop reading. In fact, as the years pass and I read more and more I realize that I am getting better. So it is with my other weaknesses too. Over the years as I strive to be more organized or calm or whatever, I have hope that eventually I will look back and say, "Hey, I have gotten better."
Maybe I will find other talents too, that are hiding behind my weaknesses.
I've been collecting data over the last few weeks and have used the information to compile the following graph:
As you can see, the comfort of the clothing I am wearing is directly related to my level of productivity as related to in-home activities such as dish-washing or floor scrubbing. Of course, if I get too comfortable, then I just want to sit on my couch and read a book, so my productivity drops off. (Also I have noticed that no matter how comfortable I am, I am never perfectly productive. )
So if you come by, just know my house is a mess because I got dressed that day.
By the way, I created the graph using THIS website.
Katie is sick. Tuesday she went to bed healthy (I thought); Wednesday she woke up at 4 a.m. with a fever and chest congestion and a barky cough. All day Wednesday she wanted to be held. My already slightly messy house turned into a disaster. But I didn't mind a few minutes to snuggle my baby and read a book while Jack was at preschool. I'll take that as an excuse any day of the week. Yesterday was better, but she still didn't want to sleep in her bed for a nap. Finally last night around 11 she was in her bed for good and she is still sleeping. Poor Jack had to miss out on some fun stuff yesterday because of the sick babe, but he was a good sport about it.
I still talk about her as a baby, but Katie is 18 months old now. 18 months. Wow! That has flown by. Usually this means that this Sunday would be her first Sunday in Nursery class. But our nursery is small (5 kids) and she was getting to be a little stinker when I was teaching Sunday School, so my friend, who was also the nursery leader, let me take her to nursery 3 months ago. She did so well and we've never had any problems. In fact, as soon as Sacrament meeting is over, she walks over to her teacher and she takes Katie to class.
Now is the time when I commence into "record for posterity and for Grandparents" bragging mode. I don't want to forget what she like as a little toddler.
I can't even describe the light that this little girl brings into our lives. She is so sweet and good-natured. I can tell she will be one of those people that draws others to her. She's been that way since she was a baby. There have been times when either Dave or I have been upset, and a smile or a snuggle from Katie melts it away. What a gift this is that will bless her life and ours.
Katie is talking well, and rarely throws a fit about stuff. Sometimes if she doesn't get what she wants she will throw a pouty face or whine a bit. Sometimes she'll even lay down on the ground like she is going to throw a fit, but she moves on pretty quickly. She loves to sing and dance. "Popcorn Popping" is probably her favorite song, and it is hilarious to see her do the actions.
This isn't to say that everything is perfect. She isn't a great eater and getting her to sleep every night takes considerable effort. She also likes to watch TV. I know, not my proudest parenting moment. She'll come up and pat me on the leg and say, "Mom, Mom, Mom, ... show." And because she is so darn cute, I have to give in. Her favorite is Signing Time (when we have it from the library) or Mickey Mouse. She also gets excited when we're watching football and basketball. (I am proud of that, though.) Also, she has a mullet. But her hair looks so darn cute in piggy tails that I can't cut it. Also, she is hooked on her pacifier, or her "Poppy." It is weird because she didn't like it at 2 months or even 6. She picked it up at 9 months as a toy, and then when I weaned her at 15 months it became the replacement.
First time playing with playdough!
Toddler-hood is my favorite stage, and I am loving this little one right now.
